Game of Thrones

Due to a series of unforeseen events and a lack of movies to watch, no mindless movie was seen this week. Well, I'm sure many mindless movies were enjoyed (or deplored, depending on taste), just none by us. So I decided to get a cinematic experience on the small screen by watching HBO's Game of Thrones.

Game of Thrones is a ten part miniseries based on the first book of A Song of Ice and Fire. There are currently three other books, with another coming soon, and probably more on the way. There are also prequels (and spin-offs, I'm sure). Only the first two episodes have aired so far, but I’m sure HBO is already raking in the cash.

Anyway, it opens with three people exiting a huge wall into a frozen land. Not a wasteland, actually, as there are plenty of trees. But dangerous enough, because two of them get killed right away. The third flees south, abandoning his duty at the wall.

He flees to the land of Lord Eddard "Ned" Stark, played by Sean Bean. He has a number of kids, most of them by his wife. There's one bastard, but he actually seems to be a pretty good guy. In fact, most of Stark's children seem to be on the protagonist side of things.

In another part of the kingdom, the King is laid to rest. But the king was old, so it's not a big surprise. The new king travels up to Stark's lands to ask him to be his "Hand," which basically means help run the kingdom. It's revealed that the new king and Stark go way back, as the old king was something of a father to Stark. The queen is a little hesitant way up north, because it's a little rustic there. There's also the queen's twin brother, who's fairly arrogant, and their other brother, who's a dwarf. Finally, there's the new king's son, who's just into his teens.

Everyone seems kind of arrogant, except for the Starks and the new king. Well, the dwarf can be jerkish, but I think it's mainly because he's had to endure his whole life not having much respect. He may be crude, but he's often right.

Across the sea to the East, a brother and sister live. They fled from Westeros when their father, the king, was deposed with the help of Stark. Now, the brother is marrying his sister off to the leader of a barbarian horde in order get an army to conquer his homeland.

So, the king comes to visit, and a primitive marriage takes place. All that for an hour of programming. I get that there needs to be setup, but by golly, there should be payoff as well. Yes, there's a decapitation all of five minutes in, and another one about ten minutes later. But if that's what constitutes action, I may have to beat someone to death with a dictionary or the extended, deluxe, Blu-Ray copy of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. That's how you do action in a fantasy world. Not by taking out all the action and fantasy.

On another note, there are three reasons to air something on HBO (or similar channels) - violence (two beheadings), language (F word's here and there), and sex. And it's the last that I have a problem with. I don't have a problem with sex in general. Actually, any time you show anyone on screen, you've pretty much implied they've been conceived. And I don't have a problem with implied sex either. It's a normal part of marriage, it can raise drama or cause reason for revenge if it's non-consensual. No, the reason I have a problem with it on HBO is because they feel the need to show it. Kind of explicitly. As if their first question to potential actresses was if they had a problem taking off all their clothes.

So the dwarf is shown having his "needs" fulfilled (his stature might be small, but his appetite isn't). The brother is shown selling his sister into marriage. And another pair of siblings have a secret shown at the end of the episode.

One article argued that the sex was necessary. That's true, but you can imply an awful lot without actually showing any naughty bits. There was another article that suggested the sex was added to draw in the female audience, but I don't think that's the case here. After all, I don't think the target audience for naked women is other women. I think the sex was shown to draw in that part of the male demographic that doesn't usually watch swords-and-sorcery type of things. The jockish types, or NASCAR types. "Hey, look at us! We have boobs!" As if HBO has never heard of the internet.

So nothing happened but a lot of setup and a bit of sex. Which I'm sure makes a great honeymoon, but not so much for a TV show.

The second episode is better. I think it's because some stuff actually happens (not a lot), but also because some of the names are starting to stick. Of the brother and sister across the sea, the sister's name is Daenerys (or something like that). Stark's bastard is named Jon Snow (he doesn't even get his father's name), his youngest daughter (a precocious tomboy) is named Arya, and his youngest son (who fell out of a tower last episode) is named Bran. That's all that I can remember, so now it's time to hit up IMDB.

Stark's wife is Catelyn, his two older boys are named Robb and Benjen, and his other daughter (who's probably going to marry the prince) is named Sansa.

Meanwhile, the new King is Robert, his wife is Cersei, their son is Joffrey, Cersei's twin is Jaime, and their brother (the dwarf) is Tyrion. Daenerys's brother is Viserys, and they have one loyal subject from their old land, Jorah. I know that's a lot of names, but it sure makes it easier than "And then Stark's third son goes off to find the brother-in-law of the king, but instead finds ..."

So what happens in this episode? Some travelling. King Robert ends his royal trip up north to ask for Stark's help, and so they go back down to the capital. At the same time, Jon gets fed up with being a constant reminder of his father's infidelity and decides to join the Night Watch. The Night Watch is the group of people that forswear friends and family to patrol The Wall, which is the wall that protects the kingdom from whatever nastiness is on the other side, including wildlings (more barbarians. It's like they're everywhere!) and the legendary White Walkers, who are as evil as evil can be, but are also said to be extinct (we'll see how that goes for you there, Mr subject-of-foreshadowing).

After they've gone, a madman attacks Bran while he's still in a coma. Catelyn delays him, but it's Bran's wolf (sorry, Direwolf. It's a fantasy world, with its own name for everything) that ends up tearing the attacker's throat out. We get to see the gruesome aftermath in closeup, because hey, it's HBO. Catelyn goes out to the tower where Bran falls, and finds a strand of long blonde hair. From this and the attack, she determines that Bran didn't fall, but was pushed, and is now the target of assassination. We know why, but they'll have to wait for the next episode. Catelyn ventures south to tell her husband.

Across the sea, Daenerys takes charge of the sex in her marriage. No longer is she an unwilling participant, but now she tells her husband how to do it, after she receives some private tutoring from one of her handmaidens. And if that's not the plot of a late-night Cinemax movie starring a washed up actress who can only get work by showing off her goodiebags, I don't know what is. I think the whole scenario is supposed to be empowering. And it would be, but her authority stops of the edge of the tent.

The other major plot takes place near the end of the episode. Arya and Sansa have travelled with Stark to the capital. Along the way, they stop in some village for the night (or for a vacation, or something). While there, Arya is mock-sword fighting with a commoner (horror of horrors!) Sansa and Joffrey happen upon them, and the prince decides to teach the commoner a lesson about fraternising with girls above his station. Arya defends her friend, and when Joffrey turns on her as well (while the commoner flees), her direwolf takes a bight out the prince's arm. He goes crying home to daddy, making up stories about how Arya and a commoner set a wolf on him and beat him. The truth doesn't come out, but both the King and Stark can surmise enough to punish their own children. Unfortunately, the Queen (who's a giant bitch) demands some punishment for the direwolf for injuring her son. However, Arya told the direwolf to run off, certain that it would be killed if caught. Unhindered, Cersei demands that Sansa's direwolf be killed instead (each of the Stark children has a wolf, taken as pups from their dead mother found in the first episode). Stark says he'll do it himself, if the death is the king's wish. So he's sad about that, but does it anyway.

In the end, Cersei is a huge bitch. Jaime is arrogant. He reminds me of Kenneth Branagh whenever he plays a villain, or the blond villain in The Mask of Zorro. Also, Viserys comes across as an even bigger dillhole than the previous episode. Jorah, while serving Viserys, actually seems to be a pretty nice guy, truly caring for Daenerys's welfare when even her brother will not.

I think the amount of bitchiness and dillholery is the biggest problem. If something bad doesn't happen to these people to restore the karmic balance in the universe, I'm going to have to stop watching out of frustration. The amount of things bad people are allowed to get away with is going to drive me crazy, or at least to more satisfying entertainments. Like Transformers.

Source Code

Apparently, the machines took over a few days ago. I gather this was the day Skynet went live (from the Terminator TV show. The date from the movies is different, and it changes each movie). Appropriately, Evan and I went to see another movie centered around computers - Source Code.

It didn't start off well. Only one preview was on our list (Thor). The rest ranged from forgettable to awful (Real Steel, anyone?) and beyond. Yuck. But movie studios are pushing them hard, I guess to get a huge first weekend audience before word of mouth spreads. Like Patient 0, only for entertainment.

Anyway, the movie opens with a bunch of shots of a train moving through various locales, later identified as parts of Chicago. Eventually, we get to see inside the train, although the movie sure takes its sweet time getting there.

Jake Gyllenhaal wakes up in a seat facing Michelle Monaghan. She tells him she followed his advice, and he's utterly baffled. It's apparent that he's baffled by more than her though. He has no idea what he's doing on a train. He looks around in perplexing terror, finally managing to stumble into a bathroom and look in a mirror. A complete stranger looks back at him (seriously. They get a different actor to stare out of the mirror). He exits the bathroom really, really confused, and then Monaghan tells him that they'll figure out what's wrong, and everything will be alright, except that's the point where the train explodes. Whoops.

Gyllenhaal wakes up again in a chamber of some sort. Again, he's baffled. A woman on a monitor asks him some questions, but he can't answer. He doesn't know. Eventually, the woman reads off two short, weird stories, which triggers something in Gyllenhaal's mind. He's still confused, but he's able to answer her questions. They send him back, and he wakes up on the train. What the hell is going on?

That's the mystery that drives both Gyllenhaal and the movie. And it certainly hooked me. Eventually, he learns what's going on. Apparently, the military is able to sync up with the last 8 minutes of certain people's lives (the people doing the syncing and the targets have to have the same sort of synaptic connections). So Gyllenhaal is able to jump into this one person's life (multiple times) right before the train explodes, and he's supposed to figure out who planted the bomb, because there's another bomb out there, and it might be nuclear.

The major plot hole I thought of was if we're able to jump into other people before they die, we shouldn't be able to move independently. They still have control of their actions, so we'd just be looking through their eyes, and listening through their ears. And of course, if you can do it after they die (they liken it to the afterglow of a light bulb when it's turned off), why not before someone dies? And of course, can you jump into someone who then gets into this machine and jumps into someone else? Mind ... breaking ... ouch!

Actually, these questions get answered by a plot device I thought was a little hackneyed, but I'm sure of which the writers were very proud. Good for you writers. You wrapped up the story by totally overestimating the capabilities of computers. Of course, it's not the first time that's happened, nor will it be the last.

I didn't really notice the music in the movie, except for the music at the end, and that's just because of how out of place it was. The music shouldn't have ended a thriller. It would've been appropriate at the end of something like Good Will Hunting, or Dead Poets Society. Good music for a coming-of-age movie where young people learn what it takes to be a responsible adult. Not music for a movie where trains explode and people jump into and ventriloquise dead people.

I wasn't a fan of the ending either. There was no real climax. Or maybe there was, but it was emotional. Of maybe it was the solving of the mystery, but that took place about a half an hour before the end of the movie. Longest. Denouement. Ever.

There wasn't a lot of action in this movie at all. Almost none, in fact, but I still liked it more than Hanna. The mystery was intriguing, and Gyllenhaal is a good enough actor that he can bring the audience with him as he struggles to figure out what's going on, both on the train and in the military facility. I got hooked early, and stayed hooked for most of it. I liked most of the answers, but not all.

So to sum up, I have to say Blu-Ray movie rating. If Hanna is at the top of the DVD movie list, and Source Code is better, it should be a Blu-Ray. Yes, I'd prefer more action, and yes, I'd prefer a different ending. But the questions, and most answers, were enough for me.

Hanna

Evan and I went to see Hanna on Tuesday night. I don't have a whole lot to say about it, so this review might be pretty short. There were a lot of previews, so that was nice. A few of them made our list. I got two and we tied for another. And there was one we hadn't seen before, but I can't remember what it was.

The movie starts out very quietly. Which was kind of annoying, as it's also the part of the movie where people are opening their bags of candy and taking loud sips of pop, and whispering to their dates (there were a lot of couples there, I'm not sure why). And there was one guy either at the back or in the hallway outside who was loudly conversing over a cell phone. So the silence of the movie was pretty much ruined. But it starts of with Hanna stalking and then killing a deer, someplace very cold. While she's skinning it, her dad - Erik - comes along and they fight. But it's okay, because it's a training fight, not a real one. Hanna unleashed a disconcerting war cry that only shows up once more, about five minutes later when a plane flies overhead. If I had that shriek, I'd use it more when I'm fighting, if only to throw my opponents off balance.

Anyway, the beginning of the movie (maybe 15 to 20 minutes) is just Hanna and her father, living about 60 miles south of the Arctic Circle in Europe. They live in a small log cabin with no electricity. Her father's taught her many different languages, a lot of fighting techniques, and reads to her every night from the encyclopaedia. So she has a lot of knowledge, but not the context of how it fits together. One of the recurring themes of the movie is music. Hanna knows the definition, but has never heard it before. So there are a few emphasized scenes of music later on.

Anyway, Erik eventually breaks out a radio that will tell the CIA where he is, and tells Hanna that it's her choice about whether to turn it on or not. He has been training her to kill Marissa Veigler when she's "Ready," and getting picked up by the CIA is the first step. She turns the radio on, and Eric gives her some last minute instructions, then leaves.

A CIA team arrives in the dead of night, but can't find Erik, so they take Hanna back to their facility. She asks to see Veigler, and cries into her lap (it's actually an impostor, because Veigler is pretty cunning, and not suicidal), but only as a pretence so she can snap her neck and escape. Here the music comes back, because the Chemical Brothers did the soundtrack, and they lay down some action-augmenting beats. Good stuff that definitely improved on the action. The escape is mainly about crawling or running through concrete tunnels, while military personnel run around like a Benny Hill sketch.

She emerges in the middle of a desert (and I don't mind spoiling the movie for you guys, since it's not that great). From there, she manages to hook up with a tourist family. The mother and father are somewhat new-agy, and there's a daughter a bit younger than Hanna and a son around 10 years old or so (Hanna's 16). Hanna and the daughter become friends, which is nice, because Hanna's never had one before. This part of the movie includes many artsy shots that wasted a lot of time that could have been better spent on action. This is pretty much the big problem with the movie. Too much art (and symbolism), not enough action. And the action isn't that great. I think they were more interested in realism than awesome, which is generally a concept I disagree with when it comes to movies. More awesome, please!

It eventually comes out that Hanna is very special due to some military experimentation involving gene manipulation. I think that's silly, because the army is not going to wait 18 years (or 17, with parental consent) for soldiers. They are going to want their soldiers NOW, while there's fighting to do. But that's the only big plot hole I could find.

Anyhow, Hanna and Erik, separately, get chased across Europe by Veigler, the CIA, and various evil mercenaries Veigler hired because the CIA isn't really allowed to break the law that violently. Not that mercenaries are, but they don't care about the law. They're both terrifying and silly, which is a jarring combination. I didn't like it much.

Not that I hated all of this movie. The beginning was fantastic. I was trying to figure out where the plot was going, and how they lived like that, and meanwhile Eric Bana and Saoirse Ronan were just Acting. Fantastically. It was a pleasure just to sit there and watch. Which is weird, because it's usually during this time that I want something to explode, or for one character to introduced another's face to his foot, via roundhouse kick. So to enjoy that section of the movie so much was a bit peculiar.

It didn't last. I started to get a bit antsy when the plot kicked off but the action didn't. Sure, there were some small chases, but most of it was shot on shaky cam. And there was some good music, but you can't base action around good music and hand-held cameras. Well, you can, but you can't expect lots of profit. Good reviews, but no customers. So directors can keep their artistic vision in their wallets, because they'll have no money in there.

I'm interested in music more than most people, so I didn't mind the forays into that, but there was one scene around a bonfire with Spanish music that just kept going, and going, and going. I enjoyed the guitar (Spanish guitar, or whatever it is, takes tremendous talents to do properly), but then someone started singing, and that went on for a while, and then she was dancing, and that went on for a while, and then someone else was dancing. In real life, I'm sure it be a nice break from the stress of trying to get projects out the door, managing incompetent workers, and trying to avoid pointy-haired bosses, but it's a huge break in a movie where NOTHING HAPPENS! They did get one good joke out of it - a boy tries to kiss Hanna after some awkwardness, and promptly gets thrown face-first into the dirt. Hanna's not really up on social interaction.

I think this movie is mostly a DVD movie. It's probably a little better than that, actually (it's certainly better than the other DVD movies we've seen), but not quite good enough for a Blu-Ray. There's too little action, and it's not well done. However, the music is frequently quite good, and if you're into acting or symbolism, this movie is for you.

The Crucible

"Who is John Proctor?"

I've heard this line from time to time, and had no idea where it came from. Turns out it some sort of intellectual meme. It's actually a line from The Crucible, a play by Arthur Miller. In the spirit of last week's branching out, I decided to review it. I know, you're thinking that a play is not my thing. I was thinking that too, right up until the play started. In fact, I'm still not sure that a play is my type of thing. Whatever. My friend was part of a production of it, so a bunch of us went out to see it last night.

The setting (as far as I could make out) was in Salem, during the witch trials there. I think Miller went a bit overboard, seeing as how in reality, only 4 people were killed. But at least he had them hung, not burned (nobody was burned, despite what popular media might portray).

There were four acts, or maybe three acts and an epilogue. But since the main theme came out during the last one, I'm leaning towards four. The first centered on a young woman in bed, in a coma. Her family and friends are of course worried about her, and it's clear she and a few of her friends are mixed up in something bad. It's either witchcraft, or they were pretending to do it. To make matters worse, the girl's father is the preacher (Rev. Parris), so he's reluctant to do anything to cast suspicion or dishonour on his family. He's kind of a douche. It eventually comes out that these girls were out in a field at midnight, being led by a woman (named Tituba) from Barbados who practiced witchcraft. Tituba is questioned by a minister (Rev. Hale) who specializes in discovering and casting out demons. He's actually a decent guy, condemning demons but trying to save the people they have enslaved. Eventually the girls confess, but mostly to being victims. The accuse many of the people in the village of also selling their souls.

Also, the girl in the coma (I cannot remember her name) is visited by John Proctor. The only other person in the room at that moment is one of the girl’s friends, Abigail. She used to be John’s servant, but was thrown out of the house after they had a one-night affair 7 months previously. The guilt eats at John the rest of the play, but he’s confessed to his wife and does his utmost to please her. Abigail tries to seduce John again, but he eventually rejects her and leaves, but not before more people come into the room. John doesn’t like Parris because he figures (correctly) that Parris is more interested in his own comfort than his congregation. The act closes with the coma girl waking up and naming a bunch of names, with Abigail joining in.

The second act takes place in the Proctor residence. John and his wife (Elizabeth) still love each other, although it’s a little difficult, what with John’s adultery. Eventually some cops come (or the 16^th century version of cops … “what you gonna do when they come for you?”) and arrest her, after arresting 15 or so others that night. John and Elizabeth think that it’s Abigail, trying to remove Elizabeth to take her place as John’s wife. She goes, and he gets understandably angry.

The third act takes place outside the courtroom where everyone getting accused seems to be convicted. Even the people who’ve been introduced as the most pious of the town. I’m not entirely sure anyone is left outside of the jail anymore. The judges (brought in from elsewhere) seem to be a bit zealous, but are at least willing to listen to some contradictory evidence. It doesn’t go well, though, and soon John is led off in chains, after telling the entire room that they’ll burn for abandoning God’s true way, or something like that. He’s pretty worked up, but that kind of adds to the problem.

The fourth act takes place in a tiny room near the gallows. John is advised to lie and confess, in order to save his life. If he claims innocence, he’ll be hung. It’s here that he wrestles with the question of “Who Is John Proctor?” If he confesses, he’ll keep his life (and get to be with his wife, who’s been temporarily spared), but his confession will be used to pressure more of the convicted to “repent.” It’s a lie, but Rev. Hale says that God will forgive him for this one lie. If he doesn’t confess, he’ll have his name and honour, but not his life.

The acting in the play was spot on. There were only one or two lines that had to be started again. The music was suitably ominous or creepy, and the lights and shadows were used to excellent effect.

The only part I didn’t like was in the actual story itself. John’s struggles at the end seemed to come out of nowhere. “Who is John Proctor?” he cries, but with no build-up at all. It’s like … suddenly – Angst! TVTropes calls this an ass pull, so I’ll leave it at that.

Actually, there was another part I didn't like, but I only noticed it the nest morning. The story is wrapped up with John and Elizabeth's fate. But nothing else is concluded. There is no karmic retribution for any of the girls (if they've lied), or anyone else who's a douche (there's more than one). I liked the end of the play, but I was dissatisfied about 12 hours later.

One of the things I did like was after the intermission. I remembered that this was written by Arthur Miller, probably around the time of McCarthyism, which lent a whole new air to the play. Replace Christianity with Patriotism and Witchcraft with Communism, and a ton of parallels suddenly appear. Fear and paranoia of the Reds suddenly see us finding threats everywhere. Quash them now, or they’ll grow stronger! There’s no time for due process, or it’ll be the end of us! And similarly to how the Salem witches were in a lose-lose situation, so too were the accused in the 50’s. I’m sure there are still people on the Blacklist.

I can’t really rate this play at all. I encourage everyone to go see it (one of the reasons I’m posting this so early is because the play is only being performed for a short time. So if you’re in Calgary, go to see it at the Vertigo Theatre). You can find a poster for it here. I enjoyed the presentation, and got into the story, but I’m still not sure how I feel about it. Hopefully, you’ll see it as well and we can have a nice, solid discussion about judging books by their covers, jealousy, and being trapped in bad situations. Or, you know, maybe just go back to bad movies.

Dragon Age II

“Wait a minute” you’re thinking to yourself. “I don’t remember a movie called Dragon Age, let alone its sequel!” And you’d be right. Dragon Age: Origins was a video game. It’s sequel, Dragon Age II, came out recently. I bought it and played through it, and decided to review it.

“What?!?” You’re now thinking to yourself. “This is a movie site. Where do you get off writing a review of a game?” And you’d be perfectly right. In fact, if you want to leave right now and come back when I’ve regained my senses, you can. I only offer three rebuttals. One, it’s my site, and I can do whatever I want with it (technically, Evan contributes as well, but if he doesn’t like this … well, he’s much bigger than me so he can do what he wants). Two, I like the game so much I want to write about it. It would be difficult not to write about it, in fact. Third, the game is so cinematic it may as well be 40 hour interactive movie.

The Dragon Age games are made by an Edmonton-based company called Bioware (although they’ve spread out to Austin, Texas and a few other locations that don’t come to mind. They’re growing, and it’s no wonder. They make good games). I was introduced to Bioware when they made Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, which is about as close as Dungeons and Dragons will ever get to Star Wars. Released in 2003, it was fantastic! I played it about a year later, and ran around, beheading bad guys with my lightsaber and generally saving the galaxy about 4000 years before Luke Skywalker had to do it again. I bought the game some time later, and have enjoyed it playing through it occasionally (I’ve beaten it four times, at last count).

In 2007, Bioware made Mass Effect, an RPG set in a universe of their own creation. I saw it on the shelf when browsing Best Buy. I remember an ad campaign that had emphasized choices having a huge impact, so I picked it up, expecting another RPG where you’d pick your abilities during combat, and the characters would execute them, much like in SW: KotOR. Instead, I got an RPG/shooter. It was pretty much the perfect game for me. I wanted a shooter interface for combat (emphasizing twitch reactions) and RPG mechanics for story interaction (upgrading talents, weapons, armor). Absolutely amazing. It blew me away, and I’ve played through it a number of times.

In 2009, Bioware came out with Dragon Age: Origins. Another RPG, with interaction similar to SW:KotOR. Set in another original universe, this time a fantasy setting with witches, mages, dragons, swords, and all that stuff. It was a little grimmer than usual. Some of the choices you made had unintentional effects, and beating the game involved a terrible sacrifice or evil decision. Fun times!

In 2010, Bioware released Mass Effect 2. And it was so good, I can’t play Mass Effect any more. Some of the RPG elements were removed (no more inventory management headaches), but the story is still strong, the character interactions are much better, and the shooting is far superior. I loved it. And I still intend on playing it a few more times (in one year, I’ve beaten it four times. It’s so awesome, it’s almost addicting).

When Dragon Age II was announced, I was expecting it to have the same improvements over Dragon Age: Origins that Mass Effect 2 had over Mass Effect. I was a little disappointed in that regard, because it wasn’t quite as revolutionary as I had expected, but it’s still a great game.

Because I usually review movies, and this is something different, I thought I’d review it in a manner that’s different as well. So, here are a bunch of signs I got playing Dragon Age II.

- Sign of a funny game: Acquiring a dagger called “The Tiny Cut (413 out of 1000)”

- Sign of a punny game: Acquiring a shield called “Lord Bearing’s Wall”

- Sign that Windows is taking over the game: Some major plot decisions have a cleverly concealed “Are you sure?” dialogue.

- Sign that Final Fantasy is working its way into your game: One of the characters is an elf names Fenris. He’s an escaped slave from a foreign land. He reminded me very strongly of Cloud, or Lightning, or whatever generic emo protagonist with an object-based name is starring in the latest FF games (in a few years, Square Enix will just give up and the hero of Final Fantasy 27 will be named Noun). Tall, white-haired, and brooding. The only difference is Fenris has Emo-hair, and FF protagonists have Calvin-hair. Also, Fenris has a reason to brood. He had magical substances tattooed onto his body in a process so painful, it burned away any of his previous memories.

- Sign of an updated graphical engine: The game has better graphics, but runs much smoother and quicker than its predecessor

- Sign of a different graphical engine: Any character returning from the first game and its expansion (there are a few returning, one playable) looks a little different. The differences range from “there’s something different, but I can’t quite put my finger on it” all the way to “What the hell?”

- Sign of some graphics bugs slipping through the beta: Clipping issues on shields, swords, and elbows. Whoops.

- Sign some details are to small to animate: There are no scabbards. Daggers are stored on your back, floating about an inch behind you when not in combat. I’ve never heard of gravity defying knives before, but there you go.

- Sign of a cool game: The rogue class is about as close to a ninja as you’ll get outside of an Assassin’s Creed game. Leaping or combat rolling from one enemy to the next. Disappearing in a cloud of smoke, only to reappear behind an enemy to stab them in the back. Spinning roundhouse to the side of the head for extra damage. Dual-wielding vicious-looking daggers.

- Sign of different combat programming: fighting is a lot quicker, especially moving from one enemy to the next.

- Sign the player-base likes rogues and mages: playing as a warrior is kind of dull. Yes, combat happens faster, but most abilities are only useable in certain situations and have long cooldowns. Plus, the resource bar for tanks (I played as a tank – someone who gathers the enemy’s attention and soaks up their damage while my team mates laid the smack down) is pretty small since tanks concentrate on building up health, strength, and defence. So the resource for abilities (called stamina) is tiny and used to quickly, and then there’s a long wait for it to recharge.

- Sign of the times catching up with the game: the main character is fully voiced, after being a silent protagonist in the previous game. Mass Effect’s effect, I guess.

- Sign of trying to reach a wider audience: They eliminated skills entirely. Now there’s only attributes (Strength, Agility, Cunning) and abilities. I’ll miss pick pocketing, persuasion, poisons, and what-not. I’m not really surprised, because this was similar to the style of change between Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2.

- Sign the lore team is well paid: They’ve developed a detailed religion that most of the citizens of the game believe in. It was in the first game, too, but it’s more in depth here. Of course, it’s also spawned its own in-game curses as well, like “Maker’s Breath” and “Andraste’s Flaming Knickers!” Fun times.

- Sign the political subtext team is well paid: In this fantasy land, only one nation has legalized slavery. Most people detest it, with obvious reason. However, if a noble or king of a slavery-free nation needs cash, they can surreptitiously round up a bunch of people (usually malcontents) and sell them off to this nation as slaves. How does this nation pay for the slaves? When you get free labour, you save a lot of gold. It’s makes total sense from a pragmatic viewpoint, and is disgustingly sick from an ethical viewpoint.

- Sign the party was well designed: There are six roles possible. Two for the warrior (Tank and melee damage), two for a rogue (melee damage, and ranged damage with a bow) and two for a mage (ranged damage and healing). Each of these roles are filled by one teammate, with only one or two overlaps (there’s more than six party members, although one’s downloadable and one’s temporary, leaving after the first act). Some are optional and some can leave if you make the wrong choices. I don’t begrudge Bioware designing it like this, but the problem is that whatever role you choose, you’ll wind up leaving the teammate whose role you stole at home a lot.

- Sign the character’s writers had fun: Each character has several different interactions possible with each other character. Most of them are pretty funny, and they usually crop up when nothing else is happening (walking from one location to the next).

- Sign that pop culture goes way back: In one situation, it’s possible for a character to say “I like big boats and I cannot lie.”

- Sign that romance is harder in real life than a game: I (a male warrior) was nice to everyone in my party at the appropriate junctions, and wound up getting kissed by a dude. Thanks, Bioware, but where the hell did that come from?

- Sign the romance team has given up completely and just allowed everything: There are five characters able to be romanced, and all but one are available for male and female characters. So I ended up kissing a guy and two girls. I broke the guy’s heart, and one of the girls moved in with me. The other, I’m sailing around the world with. So bisexuality and polygamy are fine in this game. I’m not sure what Bioware is hinting at, except that it’s tired of everyone complaining about the romance options, so it threw everything in.

- Sign that the writers know their clichés: “Nobody believed in me” is common in movies, where one person, or one group of people, go against everyone else, and is proven right. In this game, it looks like that’ll happen, only the character ends up being wrong, and the events are tragically awful (or awfully tragic). It’s heartbreaking.

- Sign the writers saved the best for last: The ending sequence and final boss is set up by a devastating betrayal. Like, a fall-to-your-knees-in-despair betrayal, and an unpreventable war after a terrible tragedy.

- Sign the designers saved the best for last: The last boss fight is … well, there’s only one word for it, and that word is EPIC! It’s not that hard, but it’s ridiculously cool. You get through about a quarter of the boss's life, and then a cutscene ensues that could teach movie studios a thing or two about cinematics. A-maz-ing! And then it goes from there. And the bosses death is in another fantastic cutscene. Seriously, the end is made of pure awesome. Cranked up to 11.

- Sign the humano-centric programming is lessening: Dwarves no longer look just like short humans (their jaws are much bigger), and elves no longer look just like humans with Spock ears. Elves are much thinner, their ears are generally longer than before, and their eyes are set farther apart, and are sometimes larger. They look like a cross between the Na’vi and the aliens at the end of A.I. One of the elves had such large eyes, and was so overwhelmed by the city (“there was a mugging, right outside my door. It was fascinating!”) that it’s impossible not to want to protect her, even from herself. And that’s how I wound up with a live-in elf girlfriend.

- Sign the game takes up less space than it could: There are only two or three (admittedly large) cave designs. The game opens or closes portions of them to simulate the differences between each of the several caves in the game. “Wait, this looks familiar.” The annoying thing is that they didn’t change the colour at all. The DLC came with the exact same cave, but used a different colour, and the difference was staggering. It was like being in a whole different place.

- Sign the programmers were stingy with their code: The DLC character, Sebastian Vael, comes with his own interactions with other party members, a few short quests, and some cutscenes. It comes in a package 31.6 MB in size. For reference, in the original game, there was a DLC character Shale. There was probably three times the content, but the DLC was over 500 MB.

- Sign the item creation team ran out of ideas: I had a pair of gloves called “Gloves of the Unknowable Unknown.” Really, Bioware? What’s next, Boots of Foot covering? Breastplate of Upper Body Protection?

- Sign I’m not the player I thought I was: A lot of people are saying almost all the battles can be won by simply auto-attacking. I dunno. While there certainly are a lot of battles (probably a little over half) where I didn’t have to do much more than auto-attack with my own character, there were some were I had to use a lot of my abilities, as well as being aware of what my teammates were doing, and issuing orders to them. I mean, spellcasters are a pain if you don’t immediately kill them.

- Sign the music is a rush job: Besides the composer saying it’s a rush job? It uses a few of the cues from the previous game. I even thought I heard a clip of the Kashyyyk music from KotOR, but maybe that’s just me. Plus, the music itself just isn’t very good. I bought a special edition of the game, which included the soundtrack. I had a listen, and there was one good part of one song. That’s it. I’m kinda disappointed.

- Sign that gear involves circular logic: I killed a High Dragon (the toughest kind of dragon in the game). It was fairly late in the game too. It had a lot of fire based attacks, and no enemies afterwards had any fire attacks of significant value. The dragon dropped Dragon’s Blood, which I could take to an NPC, who crafted an amulet for me. It had +1 to all stats (at this point, pretty meh) as well as 20 health (again, meh) and a bunch of fire resistance. Which would be really helpful, if I ever had to KILL A HIGH DRAGON! Thanks, Bioware. The rewards for killing a particular monster is an object to make killing that particular monster easier.

- Sign that morality can be complicated: There’s a race in the game called the Qunari, who follow a strict philosophy of duty to their society. Obey, or die. It makes them seem evil, except they make a whole lot of good points, especially about the despicability of parts of our society. Plus, they rarely judge. Anyone can join the Qun. Most people would see it as militaristic, but they would contend it’s discipline. It’s a very fine distinction, but the writing team makes it legitimate.

- Sign that while party banter is mostly fun, it can add subtle emotion: Two people are talking about Anders, a mage. “I feel sorry for Anders.” “Why? He’s a danger to himself and everyone around him.” “I think he broke the thing he meant to save.” Such a simple but heartbreaking line.

- Sign of recycled animations: There’s only one animation for a basic attack with a melee weapon. I definitely remember trying to stab someone with my mace. It’s a testament to my strength or my stupidity, I’m not sure which.

- Sign the fourth wall has a hole in it: As mentioned above, the characters look a bit different from the previous game. So when one shows up in a cameo – “Isabella, you look … different.” “Don’t we all.” I LOL’ed.

- Sign my character has ESP: Characters will unsheathe their weapons at the beginning of combat (or at least, grab a hold of them from their invisible scabbards) and put them away again at the end. Combat usually has more than one wave of enemies. They’re timed waves though (the second comes about 20 or 30 seconds after the first wave has been engaged, not immediately after the first wave is killed). If you’re quick enough, the first wave will be killed a few seconds before the second wave shows up, instead of a few seconds afterwards. This leads to a situation where all the enemies are dead, but the characters keep their weapons out, as if preternaturally sensing the enemies who will pop out moments later. The tip is, if your characters keep their weapons out, their will be another wave. Probably because of the programming, but I like to think it’s ESP.

- Sign that asymmetry is popular: This happened in the first game as well. I’d get a suit of armour, and it would make me look cool, or shiny, or badass … except for one thing. The left would be exactly the same as the right, except for one shoulder, or one arm. Attached would be some spikes of doom, or a giant shoulderpad, or something to throw off the symmetry. I have no idea why these are on there. Sure, it make easy identification of rank in the military, but four stars on a collar does that too. It’s not like I need the left half of a set of football pads to tell me that. And it looks pretty ridiculous.

- Sign that real life annoyances can infiltrate games: one of the codex entries (the codex is basically a journal that stores all the information relevant – and sometime irrelevant – to the story, including info on characters, weapons, places, game-play, and lore) told part of a story about a monk who had a problem with lost socks whenever he did the laundry (as many of us have, as well). Going back over his life, he found he had lost quite a number of them (something like 800). Determined to get to the bottom of it, he constructed a sock blind to spy on the socks while doing laundry, to see where they went.

- Sign that Psycho is creepy everywhere: At one point, my character’s mother disappeared. While tracking her down, she was repeatedly referred to as “Mother” and not “my mother.” As in “That’s Mother’s locket!” It was very … Norman Bates-ish, and I wished the protagonist (whom I was supposed to cheer for) wouldn’t be quite so uncomfortably ungrammatical.

- Sign of pun-based pop-culture references: There’s a gang called Reining Men. They were hurting a lot of people, so I killed them all, but I can only imaging what would happen if they were decent and trying to rescue some people in a bad situation. “Who’s there?” “It’s Reining Men.” “Hallelujah!”

- Sign that hypocrites do well in fictional worlds: Near the end of the second act, I killed a group of enemies simply labelled “Looters.” This was ironic, since I had been grabbing everything everywhere that wasn’t nailed down (there was a surprisingly large amount of stuff nailed down. I was disappointed).

So there it is. I don’t know what all these signs mean, except that I enjoyed a great game with an epic ending and a lot of funny, and sometimes touching, moments.