Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Captain America

Evan pitched a preview shutout. The last time that happened, so did The Last Airbender, so we didn’t have a good feeling after that. The Amazing Spiderman, Tin Tin, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, and one more that doesn’t come to mind. I’d like to add them to the list. Maybe not Tin Tin, since it’s animated and may be for younger ones. The previous Spiderman franchise waited until the third instalment to go full emo, whereas this one appears to be doing it in the very first movie, so we may pass on that as well.

Anyway, Captain America opens in the present, with some people in the arctic discovering something large and metallic (a crashed spaceship?) They explore inside, and see an empty seat.

Then we flash back to World War II, and see a subset of the Nazis (now even more evil!) discover a mysterious source of power that’ll serve as a battery for all their awesome tech. The power source is not so mysterious if you’ve seen Thor, however. Are they counting on their audience not knowing this? I don't know.

Off in the US, we soon meet Steve Rogers and his friend Bucky, who’s getting sent off to war. Steve can’t go because he’s five foot nuthin, 90 pounds soaking wet, and has a plethora of conditions (asthma being the nicest, despite him not coughing at all). Anyway, he’s lied to get into the army, but they keep rejecting him. He finally gets accepted to join an experimental project, where he’s chosen to be injected with a serum that’ll turn him into Chris Evans (where do I get me some of that?)

Now he’s six feet tall, can run faster than cars, jump incredible distance, and is ready to kick ass. So they send him on a war bonds tour. Besides being a funny song and dance routine, I liked it because it’s something that’s never really shown in war movies, despite it happening a lot in real life. I like those kinds of details, but I’d prefer less sequins.

Steve gets his chance to fight when his act is shipped off to boost the morale of troops on the front lines. His pal (Bucky) is taken prisoner, along with a bunch of others, so he (against orders) goes behind enemy lines and busts his friend out. Rather than getting punished, demoted, or dishonourably discharged (what with the disobeying orders and whatnot), he’s tasked with taking down Hydra - that special subset of Nazis from the beginning of the movie. And so the action montage begins.

Character development doesn’t really happen, as Steve’s been a pretty good guy all along, so he doesn’t really need to change. That means we can charge full-steam ahead into the climax, which is long, awesome, and full of butt-kicking.

I liked this movie a lot. It’s funnier than I would have expected. The leading lady is surprisingly competent (I’m not saying I thought the actor would be bad, I was thinking her role would be more … passive). Tommy Lee Jones is great (as always). And I’m always a fan of Chris Evans. So it’s a theatre movie for me. And yes, you should stay around past the credits. I don’t think I should spoil it, so I’ll just advise you to stick around.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

I used to think I wasn't a fantasy person. I love Star Wars, and first read Ender's Game when I was about 12 (to be honest, most of it went WAY over my head). I wasn't too into Star Trek, but I could appreciate it. I even went to see the 8th movie (First Contact) in theatres with my brothers. I always chose lasers over swords, unless you could combine the two into something wicked awesome. But then Bioware made Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and I got interested (and slightly addicted) to RPG's, and most good RPG's are set in a fantasy setting (except for maybe the best one, Mass Effect). And the Lord of the Rings movies came out and were so awesome I read the books (twice). Recently, Game of Thrones came out and made me want to read A Song of Ice and Fire. And then Steam had a sale in which I made the mistake of buying King's Bounty: The Legend and it's sequel, and now I'm thoroughly addicted to them. So I find myself more immersed in Fantasy than Science Fiction.

All of this is a lead up to Harry Potter. It's a bit different than most Fantasy in that's it set in (mostly) current times, instead of a long time ago, or a world without technology (World of Warcraft has gunpowder and some limited electrical tech, but it's mostly swords and sorcery). But it's still Fantasy, and (like millions of others), I'm totally into it, despite my science fiction-y roots.

The last Harry Potter movie opened last weekend to box office records (hurray for 3D), and I've decided to see it. Evan has seen none of the movies, nor read the last book, so I had to round up a group of substitute Evans to see it with. Also, I hadn't seen the first part, so I sat down and watched that in preparation. Anyway, I feel bad because I'm going to spoil a movie only 6 months old. You have been warned.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I

It opens with the usual creepy Warner Brothers logo, after which we get a montage of Harry, Hermione, and Ron getting ready to say goodbye to their families (or something like that). Harry's convinced his foster family (that's what they basically are) to go into protective custody. And we miss a great part in the book where it turns out Dudley's not as mean as we thought he was. He might turn out alright, after all. Hermione's going on a vacation with her parents, but right before they go, she erases herself from their memories. Her enchantment's so powerful it even erases her from photographs, giving me flashbacks to Back to the Future and Family Guy homages. Then we get the proper introduction screen.

Next, the screen gets dark as we zoom in on Malfoy Manor. It's like the house itself sucks light from my monitor. Anyway, Malfoy Manor was named in fan circles as Draco's house, and J.K. Rowling stuck with it when naming it officially. Here is a woman who clearly understands Fandom, even if she doesn't agree with it all the time (Harry will never get together with Hermione, got it? NEVER!)

Snape enters into the dining room and sits at a huge table with a bunch of other Death Eaters. Voldemort explains some things to his followers. That must mean it's exposition time! He also provides some details to people who haven't read the books but have watched the movie (all three of you. You know who you are). He then kills a wizard that's pro-muggle relations (this seems like either an insulting analogy to civil rights or womens’ rights, I'm not sure which). Oh yes, he takes Lucius Malfoy's wand as well. It's directed and shot like an incredibly meaningful event, but if you've just watched the movies, you'd wonder why. Aren't wands just pieces of wood (and some other things) that wizards wave to make magic happen? Readers know that wands are incredibly personal, and asking for one would be like asking for a kidney. But it's only an important fact in the movies in the first one, and maybe the fourth. To be honest, I've only watched each movie once, and it's been quite a while since I've seen any of them.

Anyway, we cut back to Harry Potter at home, reminiscing about how he used to live, when a bunch of good guys come in. They mix up some Polyjuice potion (good for transforming temporarily into someone else) to make seven Harry's, to use as decoys when they flee to a safe location. Harry doesn't want anyone to risk themselves for him, but they're not having any of that. Hermione rips out a tuft of his hair, and the transformation begins. The voices stay the same, which shows off the lip-synching technology, but seems a bit silly. Wouldn't vocal chords change as well? Come to think of it, wouldn't the brain change, and thus memories? Wouldn't then every Harry Potter think he was the real one? But I guess this probably is neither the time nor the place to argue about cloning rights (they're people two!)

They gather right outside the house in pairs - one Harry to one bodyguard. They set out on any manner of magical transport: Brooms, Thestrals, Flying Bikes (ET?) but are quickly ambushed by Death Eaters. Hedwig saves Harry's life and sacrifices herself, but soon Voldemort is after the real one. A spectacular midair battle ensues, and Voldy's eventually held off and entangled in some power lines (heh, power).

Harry and Hagrid end up at The Burrow (the Weaslys house). Other pairs gradually come in as well. One of the twins lost an ear, to much consternation. Either Bill or Charlie arrives and tells them all that Mad-Eye Moody's died, when Mundungous Fletcher scampered off. In his defence, his was terrified of Voldemort.

This death was again directed and shot with a lot of drama, but it would have lacked emotional heft without the books. It's only because we know Mad-Eye from reading the books (and also about the emotional strain his death caused by reading the last book) that we feel anything at all.

Which leads to a bit of a dichotomy. The movie has to explain things (like wands) to people that haven't read the books, but then has a lot of scenes that seem flat unless the audience has read the books.

Anyway, as the good guys straggle in, they challenge each other with facts only they could know, because one of their number betrayed them. But in the movie it lacks a lot of the urgency it had the books, or maybe just the urgency I had imagined in my head. Also, they skipped Arthur tearing Kingsley a new one over this challenging when he wants to see injured son.

Anyway, we get set up for a wedding. Harry forgoes Polyjuice potion in the movie so that we can follow along with him. Before the wedding, each of our three main protagonists get an item willed to them by Dumbledore - Hermione gets a book of wizard fairy tales, Ron gets the Deluminator, and Harry gets the first snitch he ever caught at Quidditch. He's also supposed to get Gryffindor's sword, but they ministry's not about to give him that, even if they did know where it was (they don't).

After the wedding, but during the reception, a shooting star lands in the tent. It's actually a Patronus from Kingsley, saying the Ministry has fallen. Death Eaters immediately appear and wreak havoc. Harry wants to fight them, but Lupin stops him and tells him to run. He meets up with Ron and Hermione, and she apparates them to the theatre district in London.

They change in an alley (Hermione's packed everything into her bottomless bag, an object that she magically transported from many video games into the Harry Potter universe) and then huddle in a small cafe, talking in whispers about what to do. Two Death Eater nonchalantly enter, and a small firefight ensues (in this case, it could be a literal firefight, but most of the ammo seems to be small green and red balls, like they're hurling radioactive marbles from their wands at each other). Our power trio emerges victorious in a ruined cafe, and they tell the waitress to flee.

They hit upon the idea of going to 12 Grimmauld Place, a miserable dump of a townhouse that's technically owned by Harry. They don't spend a lot of time there (even though they do in the book). They discover that R.A.B. is actually Sirius's brother (whom I can't remember the name of), and then eventually wheedle the story of the real locket first out of Kreacher (the house elf that stayed there) and then Mundungous, who first pilfered the locket, then had it confiscated by Dolores Umbridge, now working at the Ministry of Magic (it's down the street from the Ministry of Silly Walks and the Department of Redundancy Department).

So they decide to break into the Ministry (instead of, say, Umbridge's home) to take it back. They use Polyjuice potion (like in the books) but don't take the invisibility cloak (unlike the books). Things go from bad to worse, but it's mostly played for laughs. The actors are so incredibly awkward. They do a tremendous job of acting like someone else is inside their skin, trying to look like they belong when they're really bewildered.

Anyway, humour turns to danger when the Polyjuice potion wears off, and now it's Harry Potter running around the Ministry of Magic (imagine Osama Bin Laden running around the Pentagon. You know, before he got that extra forehead piercing courtesy of SEAL team 6). They manage to escape, but not before 12 Grimmauld Place is compromised and they have to apparate to a forest somewhere. Ron gets splinched (leaves part of himself behind), but it's both bloodier and not as bad as I imagined it. It basically looks like someone tore strips of skin off his arm, instead of muscle and tendon as well.

They patch up his arm and put up a tent, surrounded by protective enchantments. These enchantments are tested in a really long scene that's not part of the book, where we get a shot from Hermione's point of view, and one from a the group of people that's hunting them.

Anyway, the next morning they try to destroy the Horcrux, but nothing works. Eventually they settle on taking turns wearing it until they figure out how to kill it. Unfortunately, it makes the wearer miserable and prone to angry outburst. So basically, it's puberty on a chain.

They discover that Gryffindor's sword would kill it, but too bad they don't have it. Ron picks this moment to blow up (in his defence, they have been wandering aimlessly for quite a while). He hurls the necklace and jealous accusations at Harry's feet, and storms out. And that's the last of him and his moroseness for a while.

After apparating around for a while, the remaining pair go to Godric's Hollow (hometown of everyone important in Harry Potter's life, if only he had bothered to ask about it). They go to the graveyard and find Harry's parents' graves, and Ignotus Peverell’s as well. It has a strange symbols that matches a necklace Xenophilius Lovegood wore to the wedding at the beginning of the movie, as well as a doodle in the book Hermione got from Dumbledore.

An old women at the graveyard beckons for them to follow. They do, though Hermione has misgivings about it. And for good reason. Although they snag a copy of a book about Dumbledore, the old woman is actually Nagini (Voldemort's snake) living inside Bathilda Bagshot's skin (eww). Harry's ambushed, and Hermione has to save him. His wand is broken in the process, but at least they're safe.

He consoles himself by taking the night's watch with Hermione's wand. In the darkness, he spies an iridescent doe, leading him on. So he follows (he's quite trusting, for the saviour of the world. Somewhat naive, I guess) the doe to an iced over pool. Wiping away the snow on top, he sees Gryffindor's sword at the bottom. Great. Is killing the Horcruxes (Horcrii?) really worth a penguin dip? Harry seems to think so. Cracking the ice with a spell, he strips to his skivvies (all the ladies in the audience simultaneously thank the director) and plunges in. Unfortunately, he hasn't taken off the locket, which does its best to strangle him, drag him under unbroken ice, and drown him. He's rescued by a stranger, whom we get a clear picture of when Harry puts on his glasses. It's Ron! He's back, and he casually asks "Are you mental?" as if he's asking about the weather. In my head, it always went ARE - YOU - MENTAL?!? Like King Leonidas proclaiming that THIS! IS! SPARTA!

Anyway, Harry decided now's as good a time as any to destroy the locket (Ron got the sword from the pool along with Harry - he's apparently better at multitasking than previously thought). Harry asks the locket to open in Parseltongue (remember? He can do that?) but before Ron can stab it, a cloud of smoke explodes out of it and hurls them back. The locket reaches into Ron's mind and tells his greatest fears, that he's unloved, unneeded, the least. It culminates in a smoky recreation of Harry and Hermione telling him they don't need him, and then making out. Somehow, Ron gathers his courage, rushes forward and stabs the sword through the locket.

They go back to the tent and Harry calls for Hermione, trying to play it cool. She's not playing along, and half-heartedly hits Ron with the backpack a few times, before striding back into the tent. In my head, she slaps him, and hits him quite a few more times as he tries to cover himself from her furious blows. Sometimes the movie doesn't quite live up to what goes on in my head.

Hermione thinks they should go to Xenophilius' house, since that weird symbol keeps cropping up. Ron agrees, mostly to get back into her good graces (not working out so well right now, but give it time), so Harry shrugs and goes with it. Xenophilius is played by a guy who reminds me of Prince Viserys in Game of Thrones. I was expecting someone weirder, like Christopher Lloyd. I can picture Xenophilius busting out a “Great Scott!” now and then, can’t you? Anyway, he explains that that symbol is the Three Hallows, which is a fairy tale that happens to be in Hermione's book. She reads it while a nifty animation shows three brothers tricking Death, getting three gifts (an unbeatable wand, a stone that can bring back the dead, and an invisibility cloak) from him, and then Death getting even with them through their gifts. Except for the youngest brother, who got the cloak. He was wise and humble, so he didn't get his comeuppance.

Not like Xenophilius. He used to be a supporter of Harry, but Death Eaters kidnapped Luna, and so he covertly alerted them that Harry was now at his house. Once Hermione's finished reading, they show up and destroy the house. The trio manage to apparate out in time, but they've barely appeared before they're surrounded again. And then they pull one of the all time dumbest moves in wizarding history. They run.

Yes, with the entire magical world of transportation open to them, they decide to hoof it. Why not apparate? Because the plot demands they get captured. The book handles this much better (they're in a tent and not prepared to travel when they get surrounded). Anyway, they're eventually run down and captured. Hermione casts a nifty jinx on Harry that makes him ugly, as well as unrecognizable. But soon they see the lightning scar, and take him to Malfoy Manor.

Again, with the light-sucking properties of the place. It's like a black hole. Anyway, things are going swimmingly for the bad guys until Bellatrix sees the Sword of Gryffindor. It's supposed to be in her vault, you see, so she thinks they broke in (what a wonderful idea, sure to appear in the very next movie). She tortures Hermione to find the truth while Harry and Ron are tossed into the cellar.

While there, they meet Luna and Olivander (the wandmaker who has unwillingly given wand-lore to Voldemort). Harry desperately calls into a shard of mirror for help (the mirror from the fifth book. It's like JK Rowling couldn't let a single object from the previous books go unmentioned. Even the Potter Stinks badges make an appearance, though not in the movie). Whoever's been covertly watching the matching mirror dispatches help in the form of Dobby, the free house-elf who's completely devoted to Harry. In real life, Dobby would have had a restraining order placed upon him, but this is Magic Movie Land, so Dobby helps Luna and Olivander escape, then comes back to aid Harry and Ron in their rescue.

They overpower Wormtail when he comes to check on them (it's not clear whether he lives or dies. In the book he gets strangled by his own hand – something that reminded me of a Calvin and Hobbes strip. It seems cruel to play that kind of joke on your own kid when telling him bedtime stories, but with a son as obnoxious as Calvin, I'm sure his father wanted to get even), and then head upstairs. They disarm Draco and Bellatrix, but she pulls a knife and holds it to Hermione's throat. Ron and Harry drop their wands, but Dobby unscrews the chandelier right over Bellatrix and Hermione.

It crashes to the floor as they dive out of the way. Dobby gathers Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Griphook (a goblin that had been kept prisoner) and disapparates, but not before Bellatrix throws her knife into their Apparation Vortex (the bits of being that constitute an apparation).

They arrive at the side of the sea (near a really big cottage. It's more of a house than anything) apparently safe, except for the knife sticking out of Dobby's chest. He dies in Harry's arms, saying Harry's name. Finally, here's a death with a lot of emotion. Maybe it's the music, or because it's the end of the movie, or maybe because I've read the book four times. Whatever, it got dusty in my house right then.

Luna closes his eyes, and Harry digs a hole by hand and buries him. We miss some of the more touching moments from the book, so that's about it for Dobby. Finally, we cut away from that to Dumbledore's tomb. Voldemort appears there, breaks into the tomb, and steals his wand. It's the awesomely powerful wand (call the Elder Wand) of legend. The final shot is one of Voldemort in triumph, an enormous bolt of lightning shooting from the wand to light up the midnight sky.

This is a theatre movie. There’s quite a bit missing from books, and a few things just in the movie. The action isn't wall to wall, but there is enough. It kind of drags in the middle. Yes, some of the dialogue is trite and the deliveries flat. But what makes up for all of that are the effects. WAY better than what I had in my head. Where I think of 20 or 30 Death Eaters, there's over 100. Where I think of them flying along at 100 km/h, the movie has them blasting along, the wind nearly tearing them from their brooms, throwing a multitude of deadly spells around that are only dodged by the smallest of margins. And now I kind of wish I could have watched it in the theatre.

Harry Potter and the Return of the Son of the Deathly Hallows Part II: The Hallowing

Okay, so that’s not the title of the actual movie. But the names do get kind of long, right? Anyhow, more people were excited about this than Transformers 3. I’m not sure I want to live in a world where more people want to see a skinny teen and a nose-less bald man fight with small sticks of wood than huge robots duking it out, but whatever.

The movie opens at Hogwarts, where Headmaster Snape is overlooking a group of students marching into the castle on a dreary day. All that was missing were Swastikas and razorwire fences. After that, we cut to the gang at the cottage. Harry speaks with Griphook and Olivander, and colludes with Griphook to break into Gringotts bank to steal whichever Horcrux might be in the Lestranges vault. Easier said that done. Payment will be Gryffindor’s sword.

Ron gets a disguise (dyed long hair and a goatee) while Hermione takes Polyjuice potion to look like Bellatrix. Harry carries Griphook on his shoulders, both of them under his invisibility cloak. The walk nervously into Gringotts, while Helena Bonham Carter does her best Hermione impression. Pretty funny (you know what? Polyjuice potion makes any sequence funnier. I think it’s the actors).

The goblins there catch on to the ruse, so Harry has to mind control one of them to take the group to the vault. They get into a cart, and off they go (Indiana Jones music optional). Down around, upside down they go (their mine cart is really cool). Then they spiral down into a waterfall, and their mine cart stops. A red lamp jerks up from the front and starts flashing, and a warning starts blaring. Then the mine cart dumps them unceremoniously down a giant pit.

Hermione has a nice cushioning spell, so they’re not smashed to a pulp on the floor. The waterfall also washed away their disguises, and dissipates the mind control spell Harry had been using. Quickly reapplying it, he has the goblin lead them past a dragon (using clankers – metal noisemakers used to train the dragon) and to the Lestranges vault. Inside, they look around for a while before spotting a goblet (no, not that one). However, one of them knocks over something, and it multiplies. Soon, they’re drowning in treasure, which sounds nice, until you remember that it can get awfully heavy and crushing. Swimming through silver and gold, they manage to reach and open the door. Griphook betrays them, though, and has alerted the guards as well as taking the sword (now they have no way of destroying the Horcrux they’ve just stolen).

Nearly surrounded on all sides by guards, Hermione takes a flying leap onto the back of the dragon. The boys quickly join her, and they use a spell to break the chains holding the dragon prisoner. Sensing freedom, it crawls rapidly upwards, soon emerging on the ground floor. It smashes the nice glass dome at the top and launches itself into the air. Well, not successfully, seeing as how it hasn’t flown in quite a while, but soon enough it gets the hang of it. Before long, the trio is miles away.

When the dragon gradually loses altitude over a lake, the three jump off. While Harry is trying to swim ashore, he has visions of Voldemort seeing the results of the bank heist. Once on dry land, he tells the others what he saw. Basically, Voldemort is PISSED! But also, he knows the other Horcrii are in danger, inadvertently giving Harry a clue as to where the last ones are. One of them is in Hogwarts, so off they go.

Hermione wants to sit and plan it out, but Harry points out all their well-laid plans go to hell anyway the moment they’re set in motion, so why not wing it and see what happens (that’s amazingly astute of Harry, actually. It’s like he’s been reading the script or something).

Because they can’t apparate directly into Hogwarts (I’m not sure how often it’s mentioned in the movies, but it comes up three or four times in each book), they go into Hogsmead instead (the town right outside the castle). Of course, this sets off a number of alarms, so the Death Eaters come outside to investigate. The gang’s saved by a mysterious person who looks like Dumbledore. It turns out it’s Dumbledore’s brother, Aberforth. He’s the one who sent Dobby, and has been looking out for Harry through the mirror. After a quiet inspirational chat with Harry, Aberforth gets them into Hogwarts. There, they meet up with a bunch of other students, go looking for the last two Horcrii, and fight against all the Death Eaters that are laying siege to the school.

I think that’s about as far as I’ll go in terms of recapping, because there are actually people who haven’t read the books, but have watched the movies (yes, really).

The movie had its funny moments. Hermione as Bellatrix is awkwardly hilarious, akin to the previous movie’s Polyjuice scenes as well. Everyone’s always awkward in someone else’s skin. There’s also a scene where Hermione’s taken aback that Ron actually listens and remembers the things she’s said (well, some of them). Then, of course, there’s the scene in the chamber of secrets. Ron and Hermione go down there to grab some basilisk fangs (they’re known to kill Horcrii, now that they don’t have the sword anymore). They have the goblet with them, so it’s Hermione’s turn to kill it. She stabs a fang through the goblet, and the water around them roils, rises up, and crashed down on them. They stand side by side, dripping wet for a few second, before grasping each other and kissing passionately. It’s more private than the books, though still funny. I liked the books better, because we have Harry taken completely aback, and Ron’s response.

There are some heavy emotional moments too. In the middle of the siege, Voldemort calls for a respite, so Harry can sacrifice himself (to stop others from dying for him) and for both sides to care for their dead. The three go to the great hall, where all the survivors have gathered with their fallen comrades. There’s a heart-wrenching scene with the Weasleys that … let’s just say it got awfully dusty in the theatre then.

I was surprised at the order of the credits. After the big three, the names just seemed to come up in random order, no matter the length of screen time. Well, Helena Bonham Carter gets the fourth spot, but I guess that’s because of the bank scenes. After thinking it over, though, even the siege scenes are mostly the three heroes with a bunch of extras running madly from one side of the screen to the other. Sure, Ginny gets some screen time, but it’s not a whole lot. No more than, say, Fred and George, or Cho, or Professor McGonagall.

Speaking of which, she looks sick. Maybe it’s just because Maggie Smith is getting on in years, or maybe it was the makeup intending for the past year to have taken it’s toll on the teachers, but all her scenes make her look like she needs to sit down and have a nice cup of tea. In a convalescence home.

She doesn’t act like it, though. She beats Snape in a duel, causing him to flee the castle and giving control of it back to the good guys. They prepare the defences, and she even gets to animate the statues. “I’ve always wanted to use that spell” she tells professor Flitwick.

Snape’s performance is alright. He gets his emotions right, but his delivery is all wrong (for me, at least). All … of … his … lines … have … way … too … many … pauses. I don’t think I’m exaggerating that at all. He’ll deliver his line, and then it looks like the camera will cut away, but it stays on him as he says another word, and then the camera almost cuts away, and then he’ll say another word, before finally, mercifully, we get another character speaking.

All in all, this is a theatre movie. Again, the effects are spectacular. Though the fight scenes are more chaos than action, there’s enough action, and it’s well done. Slow motion explosions, lights flying all over the place, wands flashing in and out. They even bring down the bridge with a bunch of Death Eaters on it (and that’s not even Neville’s crowning moment of awesome).

It’s not quite as good as the book, although some parts surpass it. The ending has the exposition in a better place. In fact, everything from the forest onward is a little better, even if it’s not quite as celebratory as the book. The epilogue is pretty much exactly like the book. I won’t say much about it, except they look like bankers, not wizards. Kinda boring, actually.

Finally, there’s the music. It’s tremendous. I thought it was John Williams at first (because he’s associated with it and all), seeing as there are some themes that are pure Williams. But it’s actually Alexandre Desplat, and he does a fantastic job. The best one is Lily’s Theme, played again during a few other themes. It’s a single woman singing a wordless tune over some soft instruments. Amazing for quieter moments. There’s a scene near the end of the movie where the trio witness a gruesome death in a boathouse. While the man dies, this song plays while the waves lap quietly against the dock. I might have to buy this soundtrack just for that.

Mainly, this movie hinges on Daniel Radcliff’s acting ability. I’m not going to say he’s amazing, but he’s certainly competent. Pretty good, even. He delivers his lines well, he gets the facial expressions down (shock, sadness, resigned understanding) … he does a good job. So the acting, the action, the effects, and definitely the music make this a theatre movie.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Horrible Bosses

First off, I should probably say that all my bosses have been pretty good or great, so I have very little in common with this week’s movie. Having gotten that out of the way ...

We got to the theatre early, and were surprised at how packed it was on a Monday. The movie was second in the weekend box office to a movie that's been out for a weekend already, so we thought it would be maybe half full, especially for a non-discount day (Tuesdays). The previews weren't good. The first was What's Your Number, a movie that's been getting bad buzz lately, due to the cliché storm of a trailer. The second was How Does She Do It, a movie about a single mom raising two kids (possibly by herself) and everyone wondering how she's able to be so amazing. Don't millions of parents do this already? And wow, what novelty! A movie where a woman eventually values her family more than her job. I've never seen that before! The third preview (which I got) was Crazy Stupid Love, about a man (Steve Carell) trying to put his marriage back in place after his wife cheats on him. It also has Ryan Gosling as a lothario who falls in love and has no idea how to handle it. It's like Hollywood has completely run out of ideas to recycle, and is now just mashing up clichés to film. Which leads to our fourth film, which I got on a wild guess: Final Destination 5. A guy on a bus has a vision of a bridge collapsing and leads his fellow passengers to safety seconds before the foretold event happens and kills many. Then a cameo from Tony Todd (the CIA chief from Chuck) pops up to explain that cheating death means that death will come for all of them. So we get snapshots of people dying in increasingly sadistic and painful ways. Well, we don't get to see the deaths (it's a preview), but we do get to see everything up to about 3/10 of a second before they die. Of course, the ridiculousness of this franchise was once pointed out by a critic, which I’ll paraphrase: "Why would death give a vision of how to escape it, only to go along and pick off the survivors one by one? Either Death has multiple personalities, or it's a bit of a dick." Needless to say, we're all staying as far away from all of these movies as possible. Even Crazy Stupid Love. Is a movie about infidelity really a good date movie?

The actual movie started with an introduction to each of our three protagonists as they go through part of their workday, and why they hate their bosses. Each boss eventually gets their own three word description, like Crazy Old (expletive), or (expletive) Bitchy (expletive), or even (expletive) (expletive) (EXPLETIVE).

Jason Bateman plays Nick, who's a lot like Jason Bateman in all of his movies. His boss is a control freak played by Kevin Spacey, who's been lying to Nick for months about a promotion to get Nick to work harder. "It's not lying, it's motivation."

Charlie Day plays Dale, a nervous guy who talks too much. He's also a registered sex offender due to a misunderstanding about urinating in a playground at midnight (there were no kids around): "Who puts a playground next to a bar? It's entrapment!" His boss is Jennifer Aniston, who plays a very (very) naughty sex fiend. There's no line she won't cross, and tries to blackmail Dale into sleeping with her. But Dale loves his fiancée and isn't willing to risk that.

Jason Sudeikis plays Kurt, the cool guy who hits on everything: "Speaking of entrapment, I have to see that woman about her vagina!" His boss is actually very nice, and played by … Holy Crap! It’s Donald Sutherland! I’m not sure if this is a step up or a step down from The Mechanic. Either way, it’s a step. His son is a coked up loser (played hilariously by Colin Farrell), so when Pops has a heart attack, the son takes over and tries to squeeze the company for every dime to spend on hookers and blow (preferably on a beach).

Nick and Kurt fantasize about killing their bosses, and get into a hypothetical discussion about it at their usual hangout. This makes Dale uncomfortable (even hypothetically), so he leaves. The next day at work, his boss (the sex fiend) tells him about some pictures she took while he was unconscious (during a dentistry procedure), and blackmails him. Fuming, that evening, he storms into his friend's house and says he's in. And the plot kicks off.

Initially, it does not go well. It seems they can't hire a hitman (it's not as easy as it sounds), so they wind up getting some advice from Jamie Foxx, playing a badass named Mother(expletive)er Jones, and having to do it themselves. Bungling surveillance ensues, but eventually they get some good intel ("It's short for intelligence!") that leads them to a rudimentary plan.

Things go awry, of course (it's a comedy. Things always go awry). But the ways they deal with the snags, and the crazy people around them (and make no mistake, these bosses are on the wrong side of crazy-town) are comedy gold.

I think this is probably a theatre movie. It's simply funny enough to do that. There's not a lot of action, but there's terrific performance and an awesome command of comedic timing. Plus, there's a gag reel that may be the funniest thing during the movie (so stay for the first few minutes of the credits). I'm pretty sure my stomach was sore this morning from all the laughing last night. The only caveat is that the movie is rated 14A (rated R in the States) and crosses several lines. Awesome lines, to be sure, but they are mother(expletive)ing crossed. Usually twice. In a Prius. While drag racing.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

If Life was an RPG

No movie this week. Nothing opened, and scheduling prevented us from seeing something on Blu-ray. We still need to see Sucker Punch, but I’m not sure when, as Horrible Bosses and Ironclad open this week, and then we’re off and running on the second half of summer. Anyway, this column will deal more with Video and Tabletop Games, because I’m diverse that way (geeky eight ways from Sunday, Baby!) It’s also in honour of Steam’s Summer Camp Sale, which offers so many games so cheaply I may not come out of my room until Christmas. On with the show …

If life was an RPG (Role Playing Game), I'd have a sizeable bonus to Lore: Pop Culture. It still wouldn't make up for the -10 penalty I have to dating, though. Maybe I need to upgrade my armour (this joke was the original basis of the column, which I've decided to expand).

I can just imagine buying an expensive amulet (worn in the neck slot), all glitzy and called something like "Necklace of Whore-y attraction" with an on equip effect of "Attracts skanks, and gold-diggers." Maybe I should save my gold. As it is, my specialization into the artisan crafts (Origami) is totally wasted on the ladies.

If life was an RPG, what armour would I wear? My helmet would be a Saskatchewan Roughriders Toque. 1 Armour, +10 Cold Resistance, on equip: Causes threat among fans of other teams. My main armour (Chest slot) would be a Roughrider Jacket (+15 Cold Resistance, on equip: Causes threat among fans of other teams), and my offspec armour would be a Winter Coat (+25 Cold Resistance, -10 Heat resistance. It gets a little warm, you see).

If life was an RPG, my main profession would be Engineering. I haven't levelled it up much, but considering you have to grind four years of math problems to even be an apprentice, I think I'm ahead of the pack. Plus, I even got a ring out of it ("Iron Ring" +1 armour, on equip: 5% increase in income from engineering).

It mainly helps my rep for Faction: Workplace. My coworkers are all questgivers, although some of the quests are more time intensive than usual. Enter 738 numbers, correct 135 mistakes. Sometimes it's just a simple Troubleshoot Software Problem, which I can do in 5 minutes. Definitely better than finding 20 bear asses. They only reward a bit of experience and a tiny sliver of rep (no gold), but it's something. Plus, I've got my rep far enough that I can get a Nice Pen. Too bad when I rolled my character, I neglected Skill: Handwriting. But you should see the size of my Lore: Useless Trivia.

If life is an RPG, I've invested in the Musical talent tree. First tier bass, second tier piano ... and quite a few points in drumming. I've gotten all the way up to "Foreign/Ethnic drums," but had to sacrifice singing to go that deep. I'm not sure if it's worth it.

My offspec's in mathematics, but the only talent I have is Math as a Hobby, which isn't as exciting as the guide made it out to be. Maybe I should re-roll.

If an RPG was like life, being rick-rolled would be like a mage dropping a portal to Theramore when everyone's asking for Dalaran ... suckers.

If life was an RPG, my hearthstone would be set at home, although the casting time is around 45 minutes and uses a bus ticket as a reagent. But Driving is a channelled spell and can result in a critical failure.

If life was an RPG, I could summon food, but only in specific locations (stores) and it would cost me money every time. I haven't levelled up cooking, so the only thing I can make without a large chance of critical failure is Pesto. It tastes good, but causes the debuff "Bad Breath" which can only be removed by Brushing Teeth (30 second cast time) or eating a mint.

If life was an RPG, I'd have the Advantage - Parents who love me: Increases happiness, and causes other minor benefits (left up to the discretion of the GM). It's balanced out by the Disadvantage - Shy: -5 penalty when talking to NPC's belonging to a faction not at Friendly or higher.

If life was an RPG, I'd have used my soccer skill enough that I get a small bonus to it, called Soccer Instinct. I'm a bit too lazy to use it properly, though.

If life was an RPG, I wouldn't engage in PvP. The rewards are usually 60 days in jail, or maybe some time in the hospital. Critical fails will land the player in a graveyard, and spirit healers aren't available. Mass Resurrection depends on the GM, and might take a while.

If life was an RPG, my base attributes of Strength and Stamina would be pretty low. At the risk of sounding immodest, at least my intelligence or intellect is high. I put an extra point in charisma, but all that's done is allowed me to tell jokes. If I level up, I'll try putting more points into that, and maybe I'll be able to take Profession: Politics. I wouldn't know whether to specialize in Lying or Scandal if I levelled it up, though.

If life was an RPG, a number of my friends' character models would be taller than mine. I don't think that's fair, but there's not a whole lot I can do besides asking a GM about it. Maybe I'll buy the non-combat pet Rock to make up for it.

If life was an RPG, my pastor could cure me of anything, provided I paid the proper amount of gold. Or he rolled well. Maybe I should by him some loaded dice. As it is, the GM occasionally has me roll a Health Check: Intestinal Distress, and I get a surprisingly high amount of fails.

If life was an RPG, work right now would be grinding the daily quest Spec Review. It’s incredibly boring, but it must be done. Abandoning the quest would erase most of the rep from my work, and might even make me Hated with that faction.

If life was an RPG, I would have recently dungeon crawled The Mall. I defeated the Sportcheck boss, and got some shinpads and soccer socks as loot. It cost me dearly, though, so I'm not sure I want to go back. Not only for the price, but because the high amount of NPC's talking meaninglessly (their conversation trees aren't very deep at all) sometimes give my character Status Effect: Omnicidal Rage.

If life was an RPG, school would be full of quest-givers (Solve 20 math problems). Faction: Education is actually pretty beneficial, and they even give you some non-combat loot at the end (Graduation papers). The difficulty spike between zones (Elementary, Junior High, High School) can be quite a challenge for new players, though. I quested through the optional zone University, which held some of the hardest raids I've ever done. Seriously. At the end of every semester, we had instanced raids where every student had to perform their own tasks. You think World of Warcraft raids require preparation. For exams, there's no Public Test Realm. We'd never seen these bosses before. The only way we could prepare was to read strategies for similar bosses in previous years, and to review related quests. Plus, they strip you of most of the things in your inventory. Most of the time, we were only allowed a Pencil of Writing, and Eraser of Disappearance, and a Calculator of Mathematics (On Use: Performs math). The worst part was that a lot of reputation rode on these raids, and we were only allowed three hours. Pressure-packed (Although heroic Sinestra might is probably harder).

If Life was an RPG, my early levels mainly consisted of daily and weekly quests from my parents. Make Your Bed. Clean Your Room. They didn't give any rewards, but punishment for failure was Status Effect: Grounded (only allowed out of the house for school). At least Clean Your Room had the side effect of making things easier to find in my inventory.

If this column was like an RPG, it would have a better ending than a lame joke.