Battleship

This week, Evan and I saw Battleship. Of course we did. I'm not saying we're suckers for bad movies, but ... no, actually, that is what I'm saying. We go in knowing full well we're going to bad movies, and we go anyway. We are pretty much the definition of suckers. Anyway, Evan already posted his review, which is ... succinct. I mean, we expected bad, but what we got was a huge, steaming pile of ship (Yeah, I'm not going to get tired of that joke, and I'd like to thank Eureka for instroducing me to it). On a completely different note, I'd like to brag that I called the GI Joe trailer about 5 minutes before it started (when we had our weekly "What's the first trailer going to be?" discussion). We tied on Snow White and the Huntsman (on the list), and I got The Bourne Legacy, taking the win for the week.

The movie starts in 2005, when NASA looks into space and sees an Earth-like planet. They decide to send it a message, which would be fine, except that right now it's only 2012. So the message would have only 7 years to get somewhere. The only stars within 7 lightyears are Alpha Centauri (a trinary system) and Barnard'sStar, a red dwarf which only appears to have tiny masses of rock orbiting it. Have we managed to send signals faster than the speed of light? And is this the fastest a movie has thrown science out the window?

Next, we get to a bar, where Taylor Kitsch is trying to impress a girl, who turns out to be the daughter of an admiral his older brother works under. Kitsch joins the navy as well (actually, his brother drags him in, in an effort to clean him up). He supposedly has a lot of talent but wastes it all. How do we know has has talent? He finishes a quote from Homer, and has apparently read The Art of War (which, by this point, is to the military what The Prince is to middle management. A lot of people have read it, but few get anything out of it, and most people just want to show it off on their bookshelf).

So, a time skip later, and it's time for RIMPAC, a joint naval exercise between several different navies, of which we only see the Americans (duh) and the Japanese (the Canadians showed up in a rowboat, but that was left on the cutting room floor). During the RIMPAC soccer game (complete with announcers, because the military takes everything way to far and too seriously), Kitsch gets fouled, insists on taking the penalty shot, then misses it high (and how many of us haven't missed it high? It's a common problem). The next day, he gets in a scuffle with the guy who fouled him (kicked him in the face, actually), and then learns he'll probably be kicked out of the navy.

Well, everyone goes out to sea, and then some aliens crash into it, a few hundred miles southwest of Hawaii. Also, one alien ship apparently got knocked off course when it hit a satellite and crash landed in Hong Kong. Scientists do tests and find it's made out of an element not in the periodic table. Yeah, that's not how elements work.

Three ships are sent to investigate to the crash in the ocean, but can't find anything on the radar. Thay can see it with their bare eyes, though, so the sent out Kitsch, Rihanna, and Cal Tui (who I thought should be wearing a red shirt, but I was wrong) out to investigate in a rubber dingy. Big mistake. The alien ships power up, and then it's ON!

There are all kinds of things wrong with this movie, not least of which that most of the deaths are either directly or indirectly Kitsch's fault. There's also the aliens, who suffer from two problems - one, their not sufficently advanced (sure, they can cross interstellar distances, but are vulnerable to battleship arms?) and two, they're ridiculously human. Sure, their eyes and heads are a little wider, and they have some sort of spiky goatee, but that's about it. Convergent evolution? I dunno.

There's also a scene where they actually tried to work in the mechanics of Battleship, including the "it's a miss" cry (but not "You sank my Battleship!") that seemed a bit farfetched. Their radar was out, but not their radio. Why not send a dingy out collect line-of-sight information? Why not keep changing direction after you shoot? Why not do several things different that real navies would actually do?

Next, the score is not that great. I thought it'd be better, considering it's by Steve Jablonsky, of Transformers fame. But I guess a second-rate Hasbro product gets a second-rate soundtrack. There are some good songs, though, so you might want to give it a listen and pick and choose your favourites.

Well, despite the massive amounts of quibbles, I actually had fun watching it. There's much more humour than I was expecting, and an epic lock-and-loadmontage set to Thunderstruck (hereafter known as the only music that lock-and-load montages should be set to). So I'd say it's a DVD movie. Far too many problems for a Blu-Ray movie, but too much fun to wait for it on TV. See it if you dare, but mock it or lose your sanity.

Battleship...Evan's take

I don't usually put up reviews for movies but I thought that Battleship was so...terrible...that it deserved it's own post. Don't worry, it won't take long. This is what I would have said to the film makers after watching the movie: Also...it has been sad to watch the terrible demise of Taylor Kitsch's career in the last three months. Between "John Carter" and "Battleship", this guy has now been in over $500 million dollars worth of movies who combined will be lucky to make back half of that. Ouch!

Sports Break - Cricket

This has more to do with TV than cricket, so bear with me and hear me out (and other similar figures of speech). This past weekend, I found myself watching Cricket, and didn't immediately change the channel. But maybe a little background is necessary.

When I first moved here, a lot of my friends cheered for the Vancouver Canucks or the Calgary Flames of the National Hockey League. Now, I couldn't care less about hockey (well, maybe I could, but it wouldn't be much less before I didn't care at all), so whenever someone asked me who I cheered for, I politely demurred. After a few times, in an effort to stand out, I finally said that I cheered for Bangladesh in the World Cup of Cricket (I needed an obscure team and an obscure sport). Soon, nobody asked me who I cheered for.

But in an effort to actually back up my flippant remarks, I took a trip to Wikipedia, and found out that Bangladesh actually had a team in the World Cup of Cricket, and it was taking place that year. But guess who also had a team? CANADA!

Neither team did that well in the world cup of 2007 or 2011. Bangladesh won one game in 2007, and Canada's greatest feat was putting up 300 in a loss to New Zealand (getting 300 would be like scoring about 27 points in Football - a good total, but not guaranteeing victory).

I also looked up the rules of cricket so that I could understand whatever was written about it afterwards. I won't explain all the rules (since that's best left to people who actually understand it), but I'll give a quick overview.

There are 11 players on each side. One team bats, the other team fields. In the field, most of the team stands around the outside. There's a bowler (like a pitcher in baseball) and a wicket-keeper (like a catcher in baseball) as well. The other teams have two batsmen at either end of a strip of dirt in the middle of the field, called the pitch. There are wickets at each end of the pitch.

So the bowler hurls the ball at the batsman, who takes a whack at it. If he misses and the ball hits the wickets, knocking off the top bits (called the stumps), he's out. If he misses it but it misses the wickets, nothing happens. If he hits it into the air and a fielder catches it, he's out. If he hits it so it rolls past the outer circle (like a ground-rule double), that's 4 runs. If he hits it in the air past the circle (like a home run), that's 6 runs. Other wise, if he hits it, he and the other batsman run like the dickens between the two wickets set up at either end of the pitch. If one of them isn't at one of the wickets and a fielder throws the ball and knocks off the stumps, the batsman's out. Anytime the batsmen switch places, that's a point.

If the batsmen end up at different ends of the pitch than where they started, the bowler pitches to the other batsman. Once a batsman's out, he's replaces by the next guy in line.

Once the bowler has bowled six times, that's an over, and a different bowler is brought in to bowl the other direction. For example, Bowler 1 will bowl from East to West on the pitch six times. Then Bowler 2 will come in and bowl from West to East six times. Then Bowler 1 will come back in and bowl East to West, and so on and so forth. Bowlers can be changed after each over (like bringing in a relief pitcher) but not mid-over, if I understand correctly. So if a bowler's getting shelled, the team has to live with it for at least six balls.

In one-day test matches, each team has 50 overs (300 balls) to put up as many runs as they can. If all their batsmen get out during that time, that's it (so it's weird that cricket has two possible endpoints. Like having a time limit on baseball, or also having first-to-five in hockey). In real cricket, the game is over when each team has ten players out (since the last batsman would be stranded without a partner). Twice. So they last a while. Like, five days a while.

That's about it for rules. There are some more complicated ones (like leg-before-wicket) but that's like any sport. Have you tried to explain the eligible receiver rule to anyone who still plays football with a sphere and no hands?

Anyway, the games that I watched on the weekend were T20 matches, which are limited to 20 overs for each team. That way, they only take up a few hours, which is about the only way to hook in a North American audience (we're used to televised sports being about 3 hours in length). How Soccer-mad audiences get into it, I don't know, since soccer's limited to pretty much 90 minutes and some change. Makes for good programmable TV, if you don't mind the immense boredom.

The first match I watched was an exhibition game between the Asian all-stars and the all-stars of everywhere else (So Great Britain, Australia, and New Zealand, pretty much). It took place at the Rogers centre (in Toronto), which is usually used for Baseball and occasionally for football (the Argonauts of the Canadian Football League play there). The audience was expectedly small, filled mostly with immigrants and confused people who were wondering why a Blue Jay's game was so cheap, and why haven't they set up the diamond correctly?

Anyway, I watched the International team put up 164 runs, which I thought was pretty good. Extending that to 50 overs would mean over 400 runs, which would be a really good total for a one day test match. However, that's actually a pretty low score for a T20 match, proving that Cricket nuance is lost on me. I didn't watch the Asians bat (video games were calling), but the replays showed the International side getting a trophy, so presumably they had some superb bowling that kept the Asians under 164.

The next day was an actual meaningful match from the IPL (Indian Premier League) between the Deccan Chargers and the Kings XI Punjab (XI in roman numbers is 11 - the number of players on a team). The Deccan Chargers are in last place (9th), the King's XI not much better (7th). A clash of the titans, this was not.

While watching cricket, I noticed a few things that were different from how most North American sports are broadcast. For one thing, replays were done with the sound on. In other sports, replays have the sound off because it often cuts to slow-motion at some point. And while that's also true in Cricket, they leave the sound on. So while a hit for 6 might produce a satisfying "Thwack" in real time, the replays will slow it down and we'll get a long-drawn out "ttthhhwwwuuuuuuuuucccckkkk." And then a very low crowd roar, as thousands of voices are suddenly at a quarter of the frequency they're normally at. It's kinda funny, and pretty unexpected. What sounds will that make in slow-motion? is a fun game to play.

Secondly, they had wired up one of the wicket-keepers. Now, in most sports, they have a mic'd up section, where they put a small microphone on one of the players to hear what they have to say, and then they can edit it down to 30 seconds for an informative piece at half time ("Here's what a linebacker sounds like when he tackles a running back!"). This time, though, they also have him an earpiece. And then they interviewed him during game play! This was incredible! Like if they interviewed a pitcher during his pitches (well, more like a catcher in between pitches). Either being a wicket-keeper is actually pretty easily (blatantly not the case), or this guys is so good he doesn't need his whole brain for wicket-keeping.

Well, at the end of the day, the Deccan Chargers put up 190, and then I went to play video games (because my Sith Warrior is not going to get to level 50 on his own, even if he can dual-wield lightsaber). Punjab won 194 to 190, and I will definitely be watching next Saturday, when the Pune Warriors take on the Kolkata Knight Riders. Yes, it’s weird for me to like cricket, but I’m oddly mesmerized, and it’s probably a good idea for me to expand my sporting experiences beyond what’s limited to North America plays. Just not Soccer.

The Avengers

Evan and I (and a lab mate of his) went to see The Avengers this week. Of course we did. We're not stupid. It's the biggest movie event ever - we had to see it. Trailers for this week included The Dictator (which I got), Frankenweenie (which we both whiffed on, but seriously, why was this in front of The Avengers?), The Dark Knight Rises (we tied), and Brave (which I got. Game, set, match). Anyway, because I think everyone should see The Avengers, I'm not going to talk about the plot at all, but here are the things that I noticed about the movie.

- If Jesus had come back last weekend, even he would have seen this movie. And probably laughed at the God joke. (“There’s only one God ma’am, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that.”)

- Joss Whedon does Joss Whedon things. The first time we see the Black Widow, she's tied up and without shoes. Whedon usually has his women barefoot at some point, but that's not to say he's regressive. In fact, he writes some of the strongest ladies in fiction. Then he takes away their shoes.

- Speaking of women, there are 4 that I can think of. In order of screen time: The Black Widow, Nick Fury's lieutenant (Maria Hill, played by Cobie Smulders), Pepper Potts, and a small role at the end of a woman enamoured with Captain America after he saves her life. None of them talk to each other, so this movie actually fails the Bechdel test. Yikes.

- Cobie Smulders looks a lot different from How I Met Your Mother. Maybe that's what a uniform and having to put your hair up does. I don't know from personal experience (not having long hair, nor being in two major fictional universes).

- This movie is funny! Most of that is because of Tony Stark (Sherlock Holmes with an American Accent. And he switched his vice from cocaine to alcohol), but some of it comes from The Hulk. And there's one supremely awkward conversation between Captain America and his #1 fan: Agent ("Phil") Coulson. He even has a vintage set of trading cards.

- The special effects are really good. Except when they're not. There are two scenes that are obviously CGI and Green Screen Ahoy, but other than that, most of it’s awesome.

- I was a bit tentative because Evan had heard a review stating there should have been more action. I don't really know what that's about. There's a lot of action in the middle and at the end, and the beginning has little bits and pieces of it to keep us interested. Plus, the funny's spread liberally throughout, so that's cool.

- The film is about two and a half hours. You won't notice it until the movie ends and your knees are stiff from sitting too long. It really flies by.

- Speaking of flying, how do so many things defy gravity? There's a huge flying ship, but it reminded me why airplanes have wings (because the pilots need music to listen to).

- The soundtrack is passable. It seemed to be going really well during the first act, but then it kind of petered out. The credits song is by Soundgarden, but not very good at all. I've been listening to some Equilibrium that would've been much better.

- The climax to the movie is what the end of Transformers: Dark of the Moon should have been. Both of them had tons of action, but in The Avengers, it was continuous. In Dark of the Moon, it was broken up by a whole lot of sneaking around. Sure, fights abounded, but there was too much in between to make it a really good climax.

All in all, this is definitely a theatre movie. It's possibly the best movie we've seen as part of the Mindless Movie Marathon. It has tons of everything we're looking for in a mindless movie. And then some!

Safe

Evan and I went to see Safe this week. The safe in the title refers to two things. One, the noun that the heroes are trying to break into. And two, the adjective describing the state of being that Jason Statham is trying to keep in the little Chinese girl in. There’s also a hidden third one – the type of role that this is for Jason Statham. Is he required to act? To emote? To play a different type of person than he has for several movies? Nope. It’s a safe role. Anyway, previews for this week were for Savages (a flick I have barely heard of, but couldn’t get the name), Total Recall (Evan got that), Piranha 3DD (Which I got), Looper (Which I got, and which is going on the list), and The ExpendablesII (Which I got, winning the week).

The movie starts in a subway station, and then immediately flashes back one hour, then one day, and finally one year to set up all the threads. One year ago, a little Chinese girl (Mei) was supposed to be transferred to a genius school, but was abducted by the Chinese mafia and sent to America to help with accounting (she’s got an eidetic memory for numbers, which is something that comes up in fiction far more than in real life. There’s been only one recorded case, although a bunch of people come really close). She’s let into the country with her “father” and the paperwork is handled by some corrupt cops.

Also one year ago, a fighter named Luke Wright (Statham) was supposed to take a dive in a fight on the lower boxing circuit. He hits his opponent once, sending him to the hospital, and losing a million dollars for the man who set up the fight, as well as several millions for the Russian mafia, who bet against him (never mind that the FBI would be highly suspicious of that kind of activity on a lower tiered boxing match). The Russians kill his wife in revenge, and nearly kill him too. Instead, they let him go with the promise that they’ll be watching his every move, and threaten everyone around him. He abandons his house to protect his landlord and becomes a hobo, living in shelters and keeping everyone away.

One day ago, Mei is on her regular routes with her "father", and figures out that the casino the Chinese run is losing money. The Chinese beat and then kill the floor manager. Elsewhere, Luke checks into a shelter and gives his shoes to a neighbouring bum who suffers some sort of foot disease.

The next morning, the neighboring bum has a knife-made smile right below his adam’s apple. Luke is questioned, then banished from the shelter. He tries to buy a coffee, but finds out his wallet’s been stolen by a pickpocket who ran into him earlier. He’s forced out by a cop, who finally recognizes him as an ex-officer who ratted a bunch of cirty cops out. The dirty cops take him to a nearby construction site and beat him for a while, asking him why he doesn’t kill himself to reunite with his wife. They let him go after he refuses suicide by cop. He goes to a subway station and contemplates jumping in front of an oncoming train.

Mei is given a rather long number (somewhere between 150 and 200 digits), then told to get another one from another man, and then she’ll get some final instructions. While travelling, her convoy is hit by the Russians, who have a shootout with the Chinese, and Mei is kidnapped. The Russians want the number Mei has, but she refuses to tell. Before they can torture her (how sadistic are they?) the meeting is interrupted by the police. In the ensuing confusion, Mei slips out and heads to the subway, back where the movie started.

So dirty cops, the Russian mob, and the Chinese Mob all want Mei. Luke involves himself to save her (she caught his eye went he almost killed himself), and the action rolls from there.

The main problem is that it takes a while to set up the action, and then there’s a lot of story left once the action stops. The movie is divided into thirds, and only the middle third is any good. Mind you, that middle third is filled with Jason Statham doing Jason Statham things, so that’s awesome. But I was hoping for more Statham-ness throughout the movie, not just in the middle.

On the other hand, the action is really good when it gets going. The director tends to put his camera in really interesting places, and not to shake it around too much. For example, when the Chinese get ambushed by the Russians, the camera moves smoothly in and out of the car where Mei is. We’ll see one guy get shot, and another run offscreen, only to get blown back on, and then the camera will pan to the shooter, who’ll get gunned down by a soon to be revealed shooter (who’ll mostly likely end up dead quite soon). It makes it easy and interesting to follow the action, which is something I wish more directors would do.

Only nearing the end do they resort to the shaky cam, for some of the last stunts Statham performs. Other than that, it’s all very good. Too bad it’s limited to the middle part of the movie. What’s this plot stuff they insist take up  most of the movie?

Despite the lack of consistent action, it’s still a blu-ray movie for me. Statham does enough that I’m happy, and the camera work is so interesting that I can’t rate it any lower. Of course, there’s not enough to rate it higher. The soundtrack isn’t very good, but it’s not terrible. Largely forgettable. Any fan of action movies should probably see this (though probably not in theatres) and any director should take notes. Seriously. Enough with the shaky cam. If your stars can’t do action, they shaking the camera does not fake it. We’re not buying it. We’re just getting sick.