Contraband - Evan's Take

I said last week that I was going to get back into writing movie reviews and then proceeded to almost forget about writing one for Contraband this week.

Well all you Mindless Movie Marathoners out there...(*crickets*)...FEAR NOT! Here is my Contraband review...in all of its short glory!

The most likely reason that I didn't think about writing a Contraband review is that it is not a very memorable movie. Benjy and I were afraid that there would be more thriller than action and as it turns out that was exactly the case. There is an excellent action scene at the halfway point in the movie but they did the dirty trick of putting most of this in the trailer. So it suckered us into the theater and we had to watch all this "acting" and "plot development"...ugh.

Actually, the acting is pretty good in this movie, probably because of the great cast which includes Mark Whalberg, Kate Beckinsale, Giovani Ribisi and Ben Foster. I kinda feel bad for Ben Foster at this point. I think he is a really good actor but I think he plays the same character in every movie (For those of you who have seen recent Ben Foster movies...then I apologize for the spolier). Whalberg is good, Ribisi has a really strange high pitched voice and Beckinsale plays the doting wife who trusts Marky Mark completely.

Overall, I got some good vibes from this movie but I would have rather see more of a wildside from the actors and the directors. I don't think anyone left the theater saying "I need my money back" but I think if you are going to spend money to go to the theater, you gotta believe that you're gonna have a good time. And this movie just doesn't quite deliver.

Enjoy the trip back to 1993 everyone!

Contraband

So, Evan and I got around to watching Contraband. We had tentatively put it on our list, but chickened out last week when it was -35°C and going outside was like trying to hug hypothermia. This week it was warmer, so we buckled down and saw it.

We tied the preview game. Evan got Chronicle (From the Cloverfield School of Shaky-cam Film making, only with telekinesis instead of rampaging New York-slaughtering monsters. If I ever had to have an intervention with my friend, I would not videotape it. I think Hollywood assumes that young people videotape their lives FAR more than they actually do). I got Safe House and one other, Evan got one more, and we both missed out on Omerta (I think that's what it was called) because it looks like one of those Canadian films that people here are required to show because ... CANADA! *jazz hands*

Anyway, after three movie studio logos, we get two introduction scenes. In the first, a young guy is on a massive freighter when's it's boarded by customs. The guy freaks out and rummages around various hidey-holes to find a backpack. He grabs it, rushes outside and dumps it overboard. Why he's not arrested, I don't know, but it looks like he gets away with incredibly suspicious behaviour scot-free.

The next intro scene is at a wedding reception for Danny, who is Mark Wahlberg's pal. Also present are Wahlberg's wife Kate, and best friend Sebastian.

Anyway, they get to talking that Wahlberg and Sebastian were two of the best smugglers. What, were they Han Solo and Chewie? Smuggling in most movies is usually treated as part of the heist, not a special event in and of itself. It's just part of the plan, not all of it. We're excited to see how the protagonists get the painting or gold or money or person past customs, but not any more or less than how they stole or kidnapped whatever in the first place. It's usually step 9 in the 10 part plant, so having a whole movie where it's hyped up is strange. It'd be like making a movie about how fantastically a quarterback hands off, or the world's best pianist with his or her right hand (the left hand really sucks). It just seems like half the story, but the movie plays it up like it's this awesome thing that totally deserves its own movie.

Anyway, we go back to the guy on the ship, who is Kate's brother Andy. He's meeting up with the people who were supposed to get the drugs from him, and they are NOT happy. He ends up in the hospital, so Wahlberg tries to make peace with the buyers by taking One Last Job. At this point, the writers are getting plots from Mad-Libs. (Famous Actor) had gone legit for (number) years after being an (illegal activity)-er. He gets pulled back for one last job because of a threat to his (relative or friend).

The movie is billed as an action-thriller, but it's not. It's a caper movie, sort of, with a pretty good action scene in the middle, as well as Wahlberg beating people up at different parts of the movie. The sort-of in the caper is because most capers focus on the planning and set-up, and then the execution of the masterful plan, as well as dealing with a few snags. Contraband has a bit of planning, but most of it is dealing with the increasingly large number and severity of snags that occur over the course of the caper, not beforehand.

I was entertained throughout, because I wanted to see how it went. Also, there were some betrayals, and I wanted to see how those would play out as well. Yes, pulled out of retirement for one last job is incredibly clichéd, but we should remember that there are only about 12 plots for every single movie, and it's how you dress it up that matters. This one dresses up fairly well.

The music (when it's not blues or jazz) reminds me of Deus Ex: Human Revolution, so that was cool. Wahlberg acts well, and he has the death stare down (way more than Ryan Gosling. Gosling tried, but his stare just didn't seem menacing at all. Wahlberg's does). Beckinsale acts well, and Ben Foster is great (as usual).

I think it's a borderline Blu-Ray movie, or a really good DVD movie. There's far less action than implied, but they fill up the space that the action would take up with Wahlberg desperately trying to fix all the problems that come up during illegal operations. So if you're willing to give the action a pass in exchange for smuggling, you could do worse than seeing this movie.

Mindless Movies of 2012

Around this time of year (or maybe at the end of December), a lot of media centered around entertainment, or even just with a passing interest in it, will have a list of movies to see in 2012. These will be good, quality movies, sure to be nominated for some kind of award near the end of the year. We don't care about those movies. At all.

Only one place will serve you a list of stupid action movies. We keep our eyes fixed on the biggest, loudest, thoughtless movies out there. Only here will you find the Mindless Movies of 2012!

Contraband - It seems to be a mashup of action, thriller, and caper, which probably means there's not enough of any so satisfy the fans of each. It's a toss-up if we'll go to see it.

Haywire - It's being billed as the female Jason Bourne, but it got pushed from last year and dumped in January. It could just be that someone took over and didn't want to attract attention to the previous regime’s movies, or it could be that despite all the star power, it's a terrible movie. I’m a little wary.

Underworld: Awakening - Kate Beckinsdale? In leather? Yes please! This time, she has to fight werewolves AND humans, because they've figure out that something's up with all this supernatural stuff, and they've had enough.

The Grey - It's Liam Neesan, so that's good. But it's more of a trapped in nature thing than a fighting a multitude of people thing. So I'm not so sure.

Journey 2 - I didn't see Journey to the Center of the Earth, and I won't see this one either. Might make a good movie for kids, I dunno.

Safe House - Ryan Reynolds and Denzel Washington? Sure, why not? One person who's supposed to be good will end up being bad, and one person who's supposed to be bad will end up being good. Guaranteed.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance - We needed another Ghost Rider? Really?

This Means War - Billed as an action-comedy, it might turn out to be more of an action-romantic-comedy. Not that that's a bad thing, but I just hope they can squeeze in enough action and comedy around the romance.

Act of Valor - It's getting a lot of hype ... from itself. We'll see if it's as realistic and awesome as it claims to be, but I don't really see how I can NOT see it.

Gone - This seems like one of those movies that should star Liam Neeson (Taken, Unknown), but since it doesn't, I'll give it a pass.

Goon - Um, probably not.

The Elite Squad - If this ever comes out in Calgary, I'll probably go to see it. There are a lot of good, foreign action films that I miss out on (See: The Raid).

Piranha 3DD - See, it's funny because DD is a bust size. And no, I wouldn't see it in a million years. Well, okay, maybe in 997,638.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters - This one got pushed back, because Jeremy Renner is already saturating our screens this year.

Project X - It seems to be a cross between The Hangover and Superbad, only it's trying to be a cross between The Hangover and Superbad, and you have to let these things come naturally, or they end up being The Hangover II.

John Carter - It's billed as Science Fiction. Because if it happens on Mars, it must be science fiction, regardless of if it's, say, futuristic fantasy instead. You'd think people could get this style right after 35 years or Star Wars.

The Raven - How many times will I see this movie? "Quoth the Raven ‘Nevermore.’"

21 Jump Street - My High School was so different than other high schools that I'm not terribly interested in seeing movies about them. Still, it's an action-comedy (my favourite type of comedy!) and it has Channing Tatum (one of my favourite mindless actors).

The Hunger Games - Gee, a televised tournament where people kill each other? Where have we seen that before? It seems that the only thing Hollywood can agree on the future is that we'll happily accept murder, as long as it's on TV.

The Deep Blue Sea - Unfortunately, Sam Jackson isn’t eaten in the middle of this one, so I'll give it a pass.

Wrath of the Titans - Yes. Yes? Yes!

American Reunion - Ha! No.

The Cold Light of Day - Action with Bruce Willis? Count me in!

Bullet to the Head - Action with Sylvester Stallone and Jason Momoa? Count me in again!

Lockout - Standard wrongfully convicted guy has the chance for freedom in exchange for GOING INTO SPACE AND RESCUING THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER?!? HOLY [expletive deleted]!!! Hell yeah!

The Three Stooges - Because ... um, I have no idea. Pass, thanks.

Scary Movie 5 - Nope.

Safe - Hey, it's Jason Statham! Official lead actor of the Mindless Movie Marathon!

The Avengers - Welcome to Summer! It's going to be a good year.

The Dictator - Somehow, I don't find embarrassing people to be funny. But that's just me.

Battleship - It's the same as the board game, in the sense that they both have ships.

Men In Black 3 - Now with Time Travel!

Rock of Ages - Or as I called it, Nostalgia: the Movie! Pass.

Snow White and The Huntsman - Instead of the Huntsman merely letting Snow White live, he teaches her how to fight. Not in the movie: the talking mirror also knows Kung Fu.

Prometheus - People are really looking forward to this, but I think it'll probably be overrated. After all, it seems very similar to the first Alien, and you can generally only do a movie once.

Jack the Giant Killer - I guess we can't get enough of actionified fairy tales, can we? No, we can't.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter - Sadly, not a sequel to Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. If only ...

G.I. Joe 2: Retaliation - Hell. Yes.

The Amazing Spiderman - I got enough of Emo-man in 3, thanks.

The Dark Knight Rises - When Evan's head inevitably explodes, I'm going to have to put it together again.

Neighborhood Watch - It has Ben Stiller, so it might be slightly funny. I'll have to keep a closer eye on it.

The Bourne Legacy - He's already regained his memory and shut down the conspiracy. What's left? But hey, action!

Total Recall - Well, why not?

The Expendables 2 - When my head inevitably explodes, Evan will have to put it together again.

Premium Rush - Apparently, our desire for bike courier movies was not satisfied with Quicksilver.

7500 - Jamie Chung and Amy Smart. It's possible this has the lowest ratio of script quality to beauty ever put on film.

Argo - I want to see this movie, even if it's not action, because it has possibly the ballsiest rescue mission ever, and it's based on real life.

Resident Evil: Retribution. Well, it's been two years, it's about time for more Resident Evil. Though at some point, they're actually going to kill every single person at Umbrella, right down to the janitors who have to clean up all the bloodspatter every time Alice invades the headquarters.

Dredd - I'm pretty sure that Karl Urban is better than Sylvester Stallone.

Looper - Maybe, I dunno. I'll have to keep an eye on it.

Frankenweenie - If this was made by the same guys as the Movie movies, you can tell which part of the male anatomy it would be reanimating. Regardless, I'll probably give it a pass, at least until I end up watching it over at my brother's house with my nephews.

Taken 2 - "How can the same stuff happen to the same guy, on the same day?" Or not. I'll still go, because ... It's Liam Neeson!

Here Comes the Boom – Seems like it's a live-action Kung Fu Panda. Still, I'm a fan of Kevin James. I'm not sure why, but I am.

Red Dawn - "Wolverines!" I haven't actually seen the original, but I've heard enough about it that I'm moderately excited about the remake. It's been pushed for quite a while, though.

Skyfall - The latest Bond, not the latest Chicken Little.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Darn Part 2 - Nope.

47 Ronin - I'm a Sucker for eastern martial arts and ... wait, Keanu Reeves? Well, alright, I'll still go.

Gravity - This looks like one of those movies that gets rave reviews in art houses, and I have no interest in seeing.

Parental Guidance - Hey, Billy Crystal! Where the hell have you been? Oh.

The Hobbit: an Unexpected Journey - It's about time!

Hunter Killer - It's about submarines, so I'm not sure how action-y it can be.

Life of Pi - I'm pretty sure I'd be more excited about this if I had read the book. But everyone else was doing it, and I didn't want to play follow-the-leader.

World War Z - It's based on a comic book about zombies. Ever since Cracked proved they're not a credible threat (At all!) I can't take them seriously.

Django Unchained - despite this movie taking place a few centuries before Radio, Movie, and TV, I'm sure Quinten Tarantino will manage to work some pop-culture references into what will surely be a hyper-violent movie. Normally, that would appeal right to the core of me, but I have this strange view that Quinten Tarantino is the most overrated person on Earth. So there's that.

Red Sonja - This is the second year in a row that Red Sonja doesn't have a release date. It does not bode well. They're going to have to put it straight to DVD, or wait until Rose McGowan has a big enough fanbase to release it.

Those Guys Have All the Fun

Those Guys Have All the Fun is not a movie. It's not a video game, or a TV show, or even a play (yes, I've seen one, despite this blog's moniker). It's a book. Admittedly, this blog is now getting rather far afield of its humble origins (and frankly, just as humble present). It's possible I may end up writing political columns about the future of multiculturalism. It's in play.

Anyway, Those Guys Have All the Fun is an oral history of ESPN. Now, ESPN doesn't have much of an impact on me as a Canadian. I'm sure if I lived south of the border, I'd be all "Oh, Dan Patrick, he was awesome" or "That Keith Olbermann. So funny. But a bit of a jackass." I recognized some of the names in the last chapters of the book, but that was mainly in context to ESPN.com's Page 2, which I used to read regularly until Bill Simmons started Grantland.

So I didn't recognize all the names, but that didn't stop it from being a fascinating read. The authors are either brilliant interviewers, bribed a bunch of people, or have pictures of them in compromising positions. Because they get some absolutely incredible interviews. "How did they get this person to say that?" I wondered to myself throughout much of the book. And it wasn't just a few people. I'd bet there are a thousand names in that book, with probably twice that many interviewed but left on the cutting-room floor.

Anyhow, the book details the history in an interesting fashion. There'll be a brief introductory paragraph in italics, and then there'll be a whole bunch of interviews about that particular subject. For instance, negotiating about NFL rights will have interviews of people on both sides, telling the story of how that came about through the people that were there. There'll be a paragraph from a lawyer, then from a TV executive, then from the lawyer again, then from an outsider who missed out on the rights, then from the executive, then from their vice-executive, then from the lawyer again. We get to see how a lot of things play out, from a bunch of different perspectives.

Of course, this isn't just limited to TV negotiations. They tell these types of things about people too, so it's very interesting to see how a person's perception isn't matched by the people around him or her. Mark Shapiro might think he's beloved by everyone in Bristol, but they'll be a bunch of different interviews that say he's not. And some that say he is.

Anyway, the best parts of the book are near the beginning, when they actually detail how ESPN got off the ground. It was the brainchild of Bill Rasmussen and his son Scott, who thought having access to sports 24 hours a day, seven days a week would be awesome. They bought some sort of transceiver with money borrowed from their family and used it as leverage for potential investors. Investors were pretty limited, because no one knew what the hell cable was. It was 1978 and HBO (the first cable channel) had been around for a couple of years, and USA had just started up. That was it. No one knew anything, and people were wary of investing.

Eventually, a guy named Stuart Evey (I think) invested in it. Actually, he invested oil money in it, because he was essentially a consigliere for an oil family. That got the ball rolling, but the problem was that neither Bill Rasmussen nor Stuart Evey knew anything about running a channel. Evey hung with some Hollywood types, so he found someone who was actually competent - Chet Simmons. Chet was there for about a year and a half, before he gave up because Evey and Rasmussen thought they were in charge, and also Evey was micro-managing things. But Simmons managed to get things off the ground and going.

Anyway, that was how ESPN started, but for a much better history from the people were actually there, you should definitely read this book. Even if you're Canadian and haven't watched ESPN at all. If you're a fan of sports, you should read this book. And you can borrow it, since I have a copy. Of course, you probably want to borrow the other few books I have as well. They’re good as well: Blood Sweat and Chalk (it’s a history of offence in football), Scorecasting (the freakonomics of sports) and A Few Seconds of Panic (it follows a writer trying out as a kicker for the Denver Broncos). They’re all very good, and if you notice they all have to do with football … um, well yes, there is that.

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (Evan's take)

I have decided that 2012 will be the year that I make my return to the Blogosphere. I figure this is the best time to start since I will only have to do this until December...according to Roland Emmerich.

So...with that in mind, we kick things off with "Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol".

Now...

I feel I need to put all my cards on the table here. I was firmly entrenched in the "Tom Cruise is insane" camp and I was fairly certain that there was no way that I could get excited for any movie with him in a leading role...(Not to mention the fact that his teeth creep me out...Why can't your teeth line up with your face!!!...Wait...I covered this already). What made me worry even more is that Tom Cruise is listed as a producer on the movie. This made me think that the only way this movie got made was that Cruise had to put his neck (and pocket book) on the line because everyone else thought he was a washed up nut job...

And then I saw the trailer for M:I-GP:


And I had to admit...It looked pretty darn good. Plus I was really excited to see Simon Pegg AND Jeremy Renner. (As an aside...whose star will shine brighter in 2012? Jeremy Renner or Tom Hardy? Seriously, those two are on meteoric stardom trajectories...IMDB those dudes!).

Then...I started seeing the critics' buzz. 93% on Rotten Tomatoes...That's in "Dark Knight" territory which is (in my opinion) among the movies ever made. EVER!

So I came to the stunning realization that the IMPOSSIBLE had happened (see what I did there?), I was excited for a Tom Cruise vehicle and could not wait to see it in theaters. And I must say, it did not disappoint!

M:I-GP is the type of popcorn movie that I love. There are action sequences galore, great comedic relief (expertly provided by Mr. Pegg) and all the cool gadgets that people would expect in a spy movie. I even liked how they poked fun at the use of masks in previous installments of the franchise. It was as if they had figured out that it got to be pretty ridiculous in the second and third movies and decided that enough was enough. I especially liked how their electronic mask making machine broke (conveniently?) and they were forced to enact their plan using their own faces.

M:I-GP is by no means a perfect movie. The ridiculously convoluted plot is really just a way to skip from one location to the next (How do go from Russia to Dubai to San Fran and end up in Seattle??? Watch M:I-GP!). And obviously the BS meter jumps off the scales in certain scenes (but unearthly physics makes for really cool explosions and flying cars!). However, if you can get past these shortcomings, then it is a great mindless use of ~2hrs of your life. Plus, there is a dizzying scene that takes place at the Burj Dubai tower that had my fear of heights working overtime which was really fun! I think what is most impressive is that this was the first live action movie directed by Brad Bird, whose previous directorial experience was limited to animated films like "The Incredibles" and "Up". Considering that this was his first effort with real video cameras, I am excited to see what his future movies will look like.

So for me, Mission: Impossible- Ghost Protocol gets a score of 4 crazy nut-job Tom Cruises out of 5 action hero Tom Cruises. Yeah...that seems about right.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

After putting it off for a week (what with the Christmas holidays and all), this week Evan and I saw Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. I got two previews (This Means War and Wrath of the Titans) and he got G.I. Joe, and we shared credit for The Dictator, since he said "This is the new one with Borat" only he couldn't remember the name. That's happened to me enough that turn-about is fair play.

Anyway, after three studio logos, the movie opens on a roof, with a man bursting out of a door. He's pursued by two other men. The chasee leaps off the roof, turns in mid-air, and shoots the chasers as he falls to the ground. He lands on a conveniently placed air mattress, and we learn it's not Tom Cruise. It's someone else, but is he good or bad, and will they feature him when Tom Cruise eventually returns to his home planet?

No, no they won't. But I can't tell you a whole lot about why not because I don't really want to spoil the movie. Before the credits (but after the opening scene) we get a jail break. Apparently Tom Cruise is in Russian prison, so two IMF agents break him out. He makes a pit stop to also evacuate his friend, which causes a lot of good-natured tension between him and Benji, the tech-guy in the van outside who's hacking the prison.

But the prison break goes smoothly despite the extra passenger, and the credits roll, and then the plot kicks off. Like the trailers suggest, it involves the dissolution of IMF by the president (just like G.I. Joe) and the team having to go through the plot without any backup, and with the threat that failure will results in death as well as being branded terrorists.

Anyway, Simon Pegg as Benji stays from the previous movie, as does Tom Cruise (obviously). Paula Patton gets added as the sex appeal, and Jeremy Renner gets added because Hollywood is required to have him in every movie released this year. Also, he's a good actor.

The plot progresses with awesome stunts and nifty gadgets (where do the gadgets come from if the team's been disavowed?) and cool action scenes. There's a chase that starts off on foot, then a huge dust-storm comes, but it continues, then it goes to cars, and finally when it seems over, it keeps going. That’s how to do a chase scene.

In fact, this movie makes its living on keeping going, until it’s past too late. Everything always seems a bit too late, but the team still manages to pull it off. It's not that they go right to the deadline, it's that they go past the deadline, and manage to stop bad things happening anyhow. Sometimes not, though, which leads to even worse things they have to stop.

This one doesn't trot the globe nearly as much as its predecessor. It only has three main locations, but it makes the most of them. There's either an action scene happening, or an action scene about to happen, so everything is very tense. Other than that, there's one moment that's emotional in the middle, and then one at the end.

The one at the end is pretty lousy, though. They had a really good explanation for some plot threads in the third movie, but then at the end they chucked them out by giving an alternative explanation. OR DID THEY?!? Yes, they did.

Except for that single scene (which other people will probably like, just not me), this whole movie is awesome. They let Tom Cruise run around and do a bunch of stunts, they let Simon Pegg do a bunch of funny stuff, they let Paula Patton walk around and be hot (she gets in one fight, but that's about it. She sure looks competent as an agent, though, so it's not like she's just there for eye candy. Or she's cleverly disguised eye candy). And they let Jeremy Renner act. So definitely a theatre movie. The bigger (it plays on IMAX screens) the better.