Game of Thrones

Due to a series of unforeseen events and a lack of movies to watch, no mindless movie was seen this week. Well, I'm sure many mindless movies were enjoyed (or deplored, depending on taste), just none by us. So I decided to get a cinematic experience on the small screen by watching HBO's Game of Thrones.

Game of Thrones is a ten part miniseries based on the first book of A Song of Ice and Fire. There are currently three other books, with another coming soon, and probably more on the way. There are also prequels (and spin-offs, I'm sure). Only the first two episodes have aired so far, but I’m sure HBO is already raking in the cash.

Anyway, it opens with three people exiting a huge wall into a frozen land. Not a wasteland, actually, as there are plenty of trees. But dangerous enough, because two of them get killed right away. The third flees south, abandoning his duty at the wall.

He flees to the land of Lord Eddard "Ned" Stark, played by Sean Bean. He has a number of kids, most of them by his wife. There's one bastard, but he actually seems to be a pretty good guy. In fact, most of Stark's children seem to be on the protagonist side of things.

In another part of the kingdom, the King is laid to rest. But the king was old, so it's not a big surprise. The new king travels up to Stark's lands to ask him to be his "Hand," which basically means help run the kingdom. It's revealed that the new king and Stark go way back, as the old king was something of a father to Stark. The queen is a little hesitant way up north, because it's a little rustic there. There's also the queen's twin brother, who's fairly arrogant, and their other brother, who's a dwarf. Finally, there's the new king's son, who's just into his teens.

Everyone seems kind of arrogant, except for the Starks and the new king. Well, the dwarf can be jerkish, but I think it's mainly because he's had to endure his whole life not having much respect. He may be crude, but he's often right.

Across the sea to the East, a brother and sister live. They fled from Westeros when their father, the king, was deposed with the help of Stark. Now, the brother is marrying his sister off to the leader of a barbarian horde in order get an army to conquer his homeland.

So, the king comes to visit, and a primitive marriage takes place. All that for an hour of programming. I get that there needs to be setup, but by golly, there should be payoff as well. Yes, there's a decapitation all of five minutes in, and another one about ten minutes later. But if that's what constitutes action, I may have to beat someone to death with a dictionary or the extended, deluxe, Blu-Ray copy of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. That's how you do action in a fantasy world. Not by taking out all the action and fantasy.

On another note, there are three reasons to air something on HBO (or similar channels) - violence (two beheadings), language (F word's here and there), and sex. And it's the last that I have a problem with. I don't have a problem with sex in general. Actually, any time you show anyone on screen, you've pretty much implied they've been conceived. And I don't have a problem with implied sex either. It's a normal part of marriage, it can raise drama or cause reason for revenge if it's non-consensual. No, the reason I have a problem with it on HBO is because they feel the need to show it. Kind of explicitly. As if their first question to potential actresses was if they had a problem taking off all their clothes.

So the dwarf is shown having his "needs" fulfilled (his stature might be small, but his appetite isn't). The brother is shown selling his sister into marriage. And another pair of siblings have a secret shown at the end of the episode.

One article argued that the sex was necessary. That's true, but you can imply an awful lot without actually showing any naughty bits. There was another article that suggested the sex was added to draw in the female audience, but I don't think that's the case here. After all, I don't think the target audience for naked women is other women. I think the sex was shown to draw in that part of the male demographic that doesn't usually watch swords-and-sorcery type of things. The jockish types, or NASCAR types. "Hey, look at us! We have boobs!" As if HBO has never heard of the internet.

So nothing happened but a lot of setup and a bit of sex. Which I'm sure makes a great honeymoon, but not so much for a TV show.

The second episode is better. I think it's because some stuff actually happens (not a lot), but also because some of the names are starting to stick. Of the brother and sister across the sea, the sister's name is Daenerys (or something like that). Stark's bastard is named Jon Snow (he doesn't even get his father's name), his youngest daughter (a precocious tomboy) is named Arya, and his youngest son (who fell out of a tower last episode) is named Bran. That's all that I can remember, so now it's time to hit up IMDB.

Stark's wife is Catelyn, his two older boys are named Robb and Benjen, and his other daughter (who's probably going to marry the prince) is named Sansa.

Meanwhile, the new King is Robert, his wife is Cersei, their son is Joffrey, Cersei's twin is Jaime, and their brother (the dwarf) is Tyrion. Daenerys's brother is Viserys, and they have one loyal subject from their old land, Jorah. I know that's a lot of names, but it sure makes it easier than "And then Stark's third son goes off to find the brother-in-law of the king, but instead finds ..."

So what happens in this episode? Some travelling. King Robert ends his royal trip up north to ask for Stark's help, and so they go back down to the capital. At the same time, Jon gets fed up with being a constant reminder of his father's infidelity and decides to join the Night Watch. The Night Watch is the group of people that forswear friends and family to patrol The Wall, which is the wall that protects the kingdom from whatever nastiness is on the other side, including wildlings (more barbarians. It's like they're everywhere!) and the legendary White Walkers, who are as evil as evil can be, but are also said to be extinct (we'll see how that goes for you there, Mr subject-of-foreshadowing).

After they've gone, a madman attacks Bran while he's still in a coma. Catelyn delays him, but it's Bran's wolf (sorry, Direwolf. It's a fantasy world, with its own name for everything) that ends up tearing the attacker's throat out. We get to see the gruesome aftermath in closeup, because hey, it's HBO. Catelyn goes out to the tower where Bran falls, and finds a strand of long blonde hair. From this and the attack, she determines that Bran didn't fall, but was pushed, and is now the target of assassination. We know why, but they'll have to wait for the next episode. Catelyn ventures south to tell her husband.

Across the sea, Daenerys takes charge of the sex in her marriage. No longer is she an unwilling participant, but now she tells her husband how to do it, after she receives some private tutoring from one of her handmaidens. And if that's not the plot of a late-night Cinemax movie starring a washed up actress who can only get work by showing off her goodiebags, I don't know what is. I think the whole scenario is supposed to be empowering. And it would be, but her authority stops of the edge of the tent.

The other major plot takes place near the end of the episode. Arya and Sansa have travelled with Stark to the capital. Along the way, they stop in some village for the night (or for a vacation, or something). While there, Arya is mock-sword fighting with a commoner (horror of horrors!) Sansa and Joffrey happen upon them, and the prince decides to teach the commoner a lesson about fraternising with girls above his station. Arya defends her friend, and when Joffrey turns on her as well (while the commoner flees), her direwolf takes a bight out the prince's arm. He goes crying home to daddy, making up stories about how Arya and a commoner set a wolf on him and beat him. The truth doesn't come out, but both the King and Stark can surmise enough to punish their own children. Unfortunately, the Queen (who's a giant bitch) demands some punishment for the direwolf for injuring her son. However, Arya told the direwolf to run off, certain that it would be killed if caught. Unhindered, Cersei demands that Sansa's direwolf be killed instead (each of the Stark children has a wolf, taken as pups from their dead mother found in the first episode). Stark says he'll do it himself, if the death is the king's wish. So he's sad about that, but does it anyway.

In the end, Cersei is a huge bitch. Jaime is arrogant. He reminds me of Kenneth Branagh whenever he plays a villain, or the blond villain in The Mask of Zorro. Also, Viserys comes across as an even bigger dillhole than the previous episode. Jorah, while serving Viserys, actually seems to be a pretty nice guy, truly caring for Daenerys's welfare when even her brother will not.

I think the amount of bitchiness and dillholery is the biggest problem. If something bad doesn't happen to these people to restore the karmic balance in the universe, I'm going to have to stop watching out of frustration. The amount of things bad people are allowed to get away with is going to drive me crazy, or at least to more satisfying entertainments. Like Transformers.