Mindless Movies of 2012

Around this time of year (or maybe at the end of December), a lot of media centered around entertainment, or even just with a passing interest in it, will have a list of movies to see in 2012. These will be good, quality movies, sure to be nominated for some kind of award near the end of the year. We don't care about those movies. At all.

Only one place will serve you a list of stupid action movies. We keep our eyes fixed on the biggest, loudest, thoughtless movies out there. Only here will you find the Mindless Movies of 2012!

Contraband - It seems to be a mashup of action, thriller, and caper, which probably means there's not enough of any so satisfy the fans of each. It's a toss-up if we'll go to see it.

Haywire - It's being billed as the female Jason Bourne, but it got pushed from last year and dumped in January. It could just be that someone took over and didn't want to attract attention to the previous regime’s movies, or it could be that despite all the star power, it's a terrible movie. I’m a little wary.

Underworld: Awakening - Kate Beckinsdale? In leather? Yes please! This time, she has to fight werewolves AND humans, because they've figure out that something's up with all this supernatural stuff, and they've had enough.

The Grey - It's Liam Neesan, so that's good. But it's more of a trapped in nature thing than a fighting a multitude of people thing. So I'm not so sure.

Journey 2 - I didn't see Journey to the Center of the Earth, and I won't see this one either. Might make a good movie for kids, I dunno.

Safe House - Ryan Reynolds and Denzel Washington? Sure, why not? One person who's supposed to be good will end up being bad, and one person who's supposed to be bad will end up being good. Guaranteed.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance - We needed another Ghost Rider? Really?

This Means War - Billed as an action-comedy, it might turn out to be more of an action-romantic-comedy. Not that that's a bad thing, but I just hope they can squeeze in enough action and comedy around the romance.

Act of Valor - It's getting a lot of hype ... from itself. We'll see if it's as realistic and awesome as it claims to be, but I don't really see how I can NOT see it.

Gone - This seems like one of those movies that should star Liam Neeson (Taken, Unknown), but since it doesn't, I'll give it a pass.

Goon - Um, probably not.

The Elite Squad - If this ever comes out in Calgary, I'll probably go to see it. There are a lot of good, foreign action films that I miss out on (See: The Raid).

Piranha 3DD - See, it's funny because DD is a bust size. And no, I wouldn't see it in a million years. Well, okay, maybe in 997,638.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters - This one got pushed back, because Jeremy Renner is already saturating our screens this year.

Project X - It seems to be a cross between The Hangover and Superbad, only it's trying to be a cross between The Hangover and Superbad, and you have to let these things come naturally, or they end up being The Hangover II.

John Carter - It's billed as Science Fiction. Because if it happens on Mars, it must be science fiction, regardless of if it's, say, futuristic fantasy instead. You'd think people could get this style right after 35 years or Star Wars.

The Raven - How many times will I see this movie? "Quoth the Raven ‘Nevermore.’"

21 Jump Street - My High School was so different than other high schools that I'm not terribly interested in seeing movies about them. Still, it's an action-comedy (my favourite type of comedy!) and it has Channing Tatum (one of my favourite mindless actors).

The Hunger Games - Gee, a televised tournament where people kill each other? Where have we seen that before? It seems that the only thing Hollywood can agree on the future is that we'll happily accept murder, as long as it's on TV.

The Deep Blue Sea - Unfortunately, Sam Jackson isn’t eaten in the middle of this one, so I'll give it a pass.

Wrath of the Titans - Yes. Yes? Yes!

American Reunion - Ha! No.

The Cold Light of Day - Action with Bruce Willis? Count me in!

Bullet to the Head - Action with Sylvester Stallone and Jason Momoa? Count me in again!

Lockout - Standard wrongfully convicted guy has the chance for freedom in exchange for GOING INTO SPACE AND RESCUING THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER?!? HOLY [expletive deleted]!!! Hell yeah!

The Three Stooges - Because ... um, I have no idea. Pass, thanks.

Scary Movie 5 - Nope.

Safe - Hey, it's Jason Statham! Official lead actor of the Mindless Movie Marathon!

The Avengers - Welcome to Summer! It's going to be a good year.

The Dictator - Somehow, I don't find embarrassing people to be funny. But that's just me.

Battleship - It's the same as the board game, in the sense that they both have ships.

Men In Black 3 - Now with Time Travel!

Rock of Ages - Or as I called it, Nostalgia: the Movie! Pass.

Snow White and The Huntsman - Instead of the Huntsman merely letting Snow White live, he teaches her how to fight. Not in the movie: the talking mirror also knows Kung Fu.

Prometheus - People are really looking forward to this, but I think it'll probably be overrated. After all, it seems very similar to the first Alien, and you can generally only do a movie once.

Jack the Giant Killer - I guess we can't get enough of actionified fairy tales, can we? No, we can't.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter - Sadly, not a sequel to Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. If only ...

G.I. Joe 2: Retaliation - Hell. Yes.

The Amazing Spiderman - I got enough of Emo-man in 3, thanks.

The Dark Knight Rises - When Evan's head inevitably explodes, I'm going to have to put it together again.

Neighborhood Watch - It has Ben Stiller, so it might be slightly funny. I'll have to keep a closer eye on it.

The Bourne Legacy - He's already regained his memory and shut down the conspiracy. What's left? But hey, action!

Total Recall - Well, why not?

The Expendables 2 - When my head inevitably explodes, Evan will have to put it together again.

Premium Rush - Apparently, our desire for bike courier movies was not satisfied with Quicksilver.

7500 - Jamie Chung and Amy Smart. It's possible this has the lowest ratio of script quality to beauty ever put on film.

Argo - I want to see this movie, even if it's not action, because it has possibly the ballsiest rescue mission ever, and it's based on real life.

Resident Evil: Retribution. Well, it's been two years, it's about time for more Resident Evil. Though at some point, they're actually going to kill every single person at Umbrella, right down to the janitors who have to clean up all the bloodspatter every time Alice invades the headquarters.

Dredd - I'm pretty sure that Karl Urban is better than Sylvester Stallone.

Looper - Maybe, I dunno. I'll have to keep an eye on it.

Frankenweenie - If this was made by the same guys as the Movie movies, you can tell which part of the male anatomy it would be reanimating. Regardless, I'll probably give it a pass, at least until I end up watching it over at my brother's house with my nephews.

Taken 2 - "How can the same stuff happen to the same guy, on the same day?" Or not. I'll still go, because ... It's Liam Neeson!

Here Comes the Boom – Seems like it's a live-action Kung Fu Panda. Still, I'm a fan of Kevin James. I'm not sure why, but I am.

Red Dawn - "Wolverines!" I haven't actually seen the original, but I've heard enough about it that I'm moderately excited about the remake. It's been pushed for quite a while, though.

Skyfall - The latest Bond, not the latest Chicken Little.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Darn Part 2 - Nope.

47 Ronin - I'm a Sucker for eastern martial arts and ... wait, Keanu Reeves? Well, alright, I'll still go.

Gravity - This looks like one of those movies that gets rave reviews in art houses, and I have no interest in seeing.

Parental Guidance - Hey, Billy Crystal! Where the hell have you been? Oh.

The Hobbit: an Unexpected Journey - It's about time!

Hunter Killer - It's about submarines, so I'm not sure how action-y it can be.

Life of Pi - I'm pretty sure I'd be more excited about this if I had read the book. But everyone else was doing it, and I didn't want to play follow-the-leader.

World War Z - It's based on a comic book about zombies. Ever since Cracked proved they're not a credible threat (At all!) I can't take them seriously.

Django Unchained - despite this movie taking place a few centuries before Radio, Movie, and TV, I'm sure Quinten Tarantino will manage to work some pop-culture references into what will surely be a hyper-violent movie. Normally, that would appeal right to the core of me, but I have this strange view that Quinten Tarantino is the most overrated person on Earth. So there's that.

Red Sonja - This is the second year in a row that Red Sonja doesn't have a release date. It does not bode well. They're going to have to put it straight to DVD, or wait until Rose McGowan has a big enough fanbase to release it.