Year of the Movie

According to the one website I visit about this kind of stuff, Hollywood has had an absolutely terrible year. Not as in movies (those were okay), but as in the amount of money it made. Movies raked in 5% less than 2013, meaning movies are at an end, it’s all over, burn down Hollywood, let’s go watch plays now until we die.

Well, or not. Never mind that 2013 was a record-breaking year at the box office; because 2014 didn’t match it, it’s all doom and gloom. For my money, it’s because 2014 didn’t have much in the way of great movies everyone looked forward to. Captain America was about the only one, with the hype train starting late for Guardians of the Galaxy. Transformers as well, to a lesser extent, although fatigue has started to set in for that franchise. It still made robotic truckloads of money, but less than previous installments.

Instead of predicting doom and gloom, I think we need to look forward, which is why I’m declaring 2015 to be the year of the movie. Avengers and Star Wars will do that to any year. Having them released within 8 months of each other? Mind blown. Let’s get started.

Taken 3: Liam Neeson is back! Neesoning his way across America this time? Who cares? Will he ever stop Neesoning? I hope not!

Blackhat: It has Chris Hemsworth in it. Ie. It might be worth seeing. It’s listed as a thriller, so I’ll keep my eye on it.

American Sniper: It’s been getting some Oscar heat, so I probably won’t see it. The Oscars and I have agreed to disagree on just about everything except for special effects.

Mortdecai: Ah hah hah hah. No.

Jupiter Ascending: Sci-Fi with Channing Tatum wearing elf ears? Um, probably. It got bumped from last summer to be dumped in February, which means it’s probably not that great, which means I’ll probably love it.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Not on your life.

Kingsman The Secret Service: Only if it’s playing in here.

Hot Tub Time Machine 2: I haven’t seen the first one, so I’ll probably skip this one.

The Transporter Legacy: They’re rebooting The Transporter? I’m in. Waaaaaaaaay in.

Chappie: Comedy about a robot? Sure, why not. I’ll byte.

The Coup: I have no idea what this is about, but it’s listed as action.

The Gunman: Action-thriller. I’m on the fence when those two words come up. Action sounds good. Thriller does not.

Insurgent: Nope.

Get Hard: Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart? It’ll be the can’t miss comedy of the year that inevitably misses. I’ll pass. For now.

Furious 7: I’m in. I’m so in. And bringing everyone I can with me.

The Moon and the Sun: Action Fantasy Adventure. I dunno. I’ll keep my eye on it.

Run All Night: Liam Neeson is back! Neesoning his way across … wait, why does this seem familiar? Who cares? Liam Neeson!

Avengers Age of Ultron: I’m in, because I’m that guy that props up Hollywood studios who make movies like this. You can all blame me, but I like them.

Mad Max Fury Road: Yup.

Spy: Maybe?

Tomorrowland: I dunno.

San Andreas: Action Drama has an even worse reputation than Action thriller. I’m out.

Jurassic World: Yes, duh.

The Transporter Legacy: Wait, when is this being released? Either way, I’m in.

Ted 2: Ted was so enjoyable, I might have to see this one.

Terminator Genysis: Can’t spell. Don’t care.

Ant-Man: Sure, why not? It’s Marvel. The last time we doubted, we got Guardians of the Galaxy.

Pan: eh, no.

Pixels: Maybe? It’ll probably be the first Adam Sandler flick I’ve ever seen in theatres, but it also has video games in it. So torn.

Selfless: I think I’ll have to gather more information before I make up my mind.

Fantasic 4: Another reboot? Sure, why not.

The Man from U.N.C.L.E.: Another remake? Uh, I think I’ll wait to pass judgement.

Masterminds: It has funny people in it. But so did Tower Heist, so I’m not so sure about it.

Hitman Agent 47. Is this a sequel to the 2007 non-hit? Like Punisher: War Zone was a sequel to The Punisher? Out of all of those movies, I’ve seen one and thought it was boring. Probable pass.

London Has Fallen: Awesomely-named Secret Service Agent Mike Banning is back! And kicking ass in foreign countries! I’m in!

The Jungle Book: huh. No.

The Last Witch Hunter: The last time I saw witch hunting, it was awesome. This one has Vin Diesel.

Scouts vs Zombies: Probably not.

Spectre: James Bond? Say no more.

The Hunger Games Mockingjay 2: Having successfully skipped the previous 3 instalments, I’ll pass.

Star Wars The Force Awakens: This is why Hollywood was put on Earth. I’m so happy I could cry. Or pee. Or leak other bodily fluids.

Kung Fu Panda 3: Wait, you mean the movie year didn’t end with Star Wars? And you keep giving us presents? This is the best year ever!

Mission Impossible 5: Tom Cruise is back! And Tom Cruising his way across … alright, I don’t care. I just hope he runs, and fights, and fights, and runs, and maybe chases stuff too.

So that’s the year in movies. If we take a look back at this in one year’s time, and the box office has made even less than last year, then we can officially panic.