Spies vs Military

I recently found out that a lot of my knowledge about certain subjects is filtered through various media. For instance, at a Christmas party last night, there were a few people talking about the medical profession (two were going through medical school, one was in their residency). I could follow along with their discussion mainly because I watch way too much Scrubs. It’s how I know that internship is one year, followed by two years of residency (for internal medicine) or a four years (for surgery). When they were talking about specialties, I knew what they were talking about because I had seen the effects on TV and in movies. Pathology? CSI. Proctology? Lots of humour (“Let’s check you for cancer!” *snaps rubber glove*).

Over the past couple of years, I’ve gotten a lot of media about spies. It probably started with Chuck (which is a lot less realistic than real life), and continued with Tom Clancy’s books. He apparently got permission to interview people at the CIA about how things work, so these books would be the most realistic if I knew how the CIA actually worked. And most recently, I have begun watching Burn Notice. It’s about an ex-spy who’s trying to get back into the business. Also, he’s the Best Spy Evar! So that’s cool. The writing staff has an actual retired CIA agent on hand to tap for information about homemade devices, although they change small details so the audience doesn’t learn how to make homemade bombs or hack Bluetooth with a Pringles tube and a wire hanger. It does seem to emphasize the importance of cell phones (they’re great at remote anything. Setting off explosives or disabling cars. Whatever).

This summer, part of our mindless movie line-up was The A-Team, in which the villain was (*SPOILER ALERT*) a member of the CIA. The protagonists were all from the military (Army rangers or special forces, I can’t remember which. All I know is they had a tattoo) and guess which side won? The military, of course. In fact, until recently, the CIA had been the villain in a lot of media. Possibly justified after the Pay of Pigs fiasco, but the CIA are no more or less evil than any other group that works for the government (with the possible exception of lobbyists. They are evil incarnate).

Of course, in Chuck or Burn Notice, the heroes are spies and sometimes the villains are from the military. So the spies win. To be fair, Burn notice also has an ex-navy SEAL (played by Bruce Campbell. AWESOME!) and an ex-IRA bomber (played by Gabrielle Anwar. HOT!) so it’s not all spy vs military. But it does raise the question of who would win between the top spy and the top military person (Army ranger, Navy SEAL, Marine … you know what? Marines are all badass. But I’m sure even they have a section for people who are a little too badass).

In media, it certainly depends on who the protagonist is. Because who wants to see the heroes lose? Well, critics do, but I’ve had enough of them. In real life, I think the military would be tougher and able to withstand more punishment, but the spy would be able to think laterally and more innovatively. So it would be a toss up that I’d pay money to see, if they didn’t keep showing better versions of it on TV.

And you know what? I almost forgot about a third party until I saw a Promo for Human Target on TV. It centers on an ex-assassin (how come there are so many shows about awesome people that quit or get fired from their day-jobs?) who now saves people from being assassinated. And anybody he comes up against (CIA, Military, Private military contractor) gets beaten. Hard. He is pure awesome. Like a cross between John McClane, MacGyver and Jet Li.

So I think I’ve covered most of the important sides. Military, Spy, Assassin. Whoever wins depends on who’s the hero, and who’s the villain. Really, the only losers are the FBI.