This was going to be a column entitled "Pet Peeves: Part II (the return)" because I had left out a few from the original column in October. But then I realized that most of the things I had planned on including involve love and affection, so I thought I'd wait until near Valentines Day, and then post a diatribe against it. Take that, Hallmark! So here's what movies and TV portray incorrectly about love (and yes, I apologize in advance for a lot of TV references here. In case you hadn't noticed by now, I watch a lot of mindless TV as well as a lot of mindless movies. Sorry).
1) The Misunderstanding. It's common in romantic comedies, teen movies – anything where two people are supposed to wind up together. You have a traditional boy-meets-girl, boy-dates-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-wins-girl, happily-ever-after story line. This is about the third one: boy-loses-girl. Often it happens as part of a misunderstanding, but it can also be a part of the boy's past that the girl isn't comfortable with. You can see each of them played out classically in Hitch (misunderstanding) and She's All That (Girl learns something about the boy and they split). I think writers put them in because without it, you’d have pretty much a normal dating to married storyline that exists in real life (and you can’t put that in a movie. It’d be too boring). It makes me think I should have something shady in my past so that when I date a girl, she can learn it and dump me, and then I'll have to prove my love (possibly involving a song-and-dance routine in a public place with many witnesses to the outpouring of emotion) upon which she'll throw herself in my arms and we'll live happily every after. She may need to think about it beforehand though, and I'll have to endure a montage of loneliness before she comes to her senses and marries me. I'll call that plan B. But before that can happen, we'll have ...
2) UST. Also called URST, it stands for Unresolved Sexual Tension (many thanks, TVTropes). It's the "will they or won't they" question that a lot of TV shows use. Movies have about 90 to 120 minutes to resolve any relationship woes, which is why they only have the simple arc described above. TV shows have between 20 and 40 minutes each week, but need to carry it on anywhere from 10 to 26 episodes a year, for as many years as the show lasts. So they have to invent ways to keep characters from getting together, even though most of the audience is pulling for it. Why? Mainly, it's from Moonlighting. Moonlighting was a show in the 80's starring Cybill Shepherd and Bruce Willis (yes, before Willis was a butt-kicking action star, he was a sleuthing comedy star). For many seasons, the two leads had UST. They finally resolved it for the last season ... and the ratings tanked. Ever since then, writers have been scared that if they pair off their leads happily ever after, their shows will tank and get cancelled. And so they invent increasingly implausible ways of keeping them apart. Friends makes an excellent example, with Ross and Rachel getting together partway through season two, splitting up in season three, and spending the remaining seasons (there were ten in all) going back and forth, back and forth, until the audience felt seasick and wished both would die. Or just the writers. Each season started or ended with the possibility of them getting back together, frustrating viewers but keeping them glued to the screen for those crucial ratings. And yes, they got together in the finale, because that's what finales do.
Some shows handle UST better than others. Scrubs never had JD and Elliot together for more than an episode, even scrapping the UST after season three until the end of season seven, before putting them into a stable relationship in season eight (it was implied they get married afterwards). Chuck had an interesting case in that Chuck and Sarah had to fake a relationship for their spy covers, only Chuck's an amateur and Sarah's smoking hot, so he fell for her. She fell for him (eventually) and they wrung some UST out of a spy-or-relationship question that most of us felt was pretty stupid before they finally got together. Now they argue about small stuff. So there is a danger in resolving UST. Conflict in TV has to come from somewhere, but Chuck's gone about as far as it can go relationship-wise. Castle has the UST by having Castle and Beckett like each other at different times and introducing temporary love interests (like Friends, only Castle does it better), as does
So before I go dating this fictional girl I’ll end up marrying, I'll have to have to go through many of these moments, possibly involving another guy. A handsome guy who turns out to be a jerk. The only problem is ...
3) The other guy isn't a jerk. I have luckily never been involved in a love triangle involving deep-seated jealousies and seething hatred, but a lot of TV characters have. All of the TV shows I mentioned above will bring in someone temporary for one of the main characters to have a short relationship with. Of course, they'll need to end it to wind up with their one true love, and so one of the ways of doing this is to have the temp turn out to be a jerk. See Paolo in Friends. Handsome, foreign, Rachel immediately falls for him, and Ross becomes jealous. A few episodes later, Paolo blatantly hits on Phoebe (because he’s a jerk), and so he and Rachel break up, making Ross happy, and bringing back the UST. Whee.
But in real life, not all the other guys are jerks. They're nice, and while it's easy to envy them, it's hard to hate them, and when they wind up with the girl, nice guys step out of the way and let them have the girl. And they wind up happily ever after. We can only hope they break up because they move out of the country (possibly for a job), or it just doesn't work out. Allowing me to step in and have a relationship. And if things get far enough ...
4) Pregnancy. The chances of getting an STI from unprotected sex are much higher than getting pregnant. And yet, somehow it's only the pregnancy scares that are aired (usually for laughs). I guess a syphilitic main character wouldn't get as much action, and is probably not as sympathetic as network executives would prefer. Plus, a man's fear about fatherhood can be a lot funnier than his fear of Chlamydia.
The other problem I have with pregnancy is the general fear that it's held in. I can get that for the nine months itself - the changes and stresses it puts on a woman’s body are enormous. But children are an incredible gift. Ask any new parents you know. Ask any old parents you know. A tremendous amount of work - but a tremendous amount of joy as well.
So realistically, after unprotected sex, I'd be more likely to get sick than procreate. To be fair, a lot of TV shows imply safe sex, so kudos to them. Now, how do I know that this woman I'm sharing my bed with is my one true love? Because of ...
5) Love at first sight. I'm a little tired of the "I loved you the moment I first met you." It's popped up on a fairly large amount of the television airwaves, and I think it's leading a lot of people astray. I'm sorry to sound like a cynic, but I doubt it exists. Affection at first sight almost certainly does, and lust at first sight most certainly does. But not love. Love takes more work than a few moments of eye contact and a conversation. Otherwise I would have married that cute cash register lady the other day.
The problem with the notion of easy love is it trivializes the amount of work that real relationships take. Certainly there will be some that are easier than others. And there will be relationships where no amount of work will keep you from loving your significant other. But TV shows trick people into thinking what they feel at first is love. And then they get married when they don’t actually love each other, and then it leads to ...
6) Divorce. This one is sort of meta, because it's the societal acceptance of divorce that annoys me the most. Certainly, there are marriages that need to end. The Bible says any marriage betrayed by adultery can end in divorce. I'm pretty sure any marriage involving abuse (physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, mental) should end – quickly. Get out, get out, get out.
But marriages shouldn't end just because two people didn't try. That's easy, lazy thinking. Did you try therapy? Counselling? There's a ton of help for couples who're struggling, and simply giving up shouldn't be the first (and likely, only) thought. But TV shows and movies portray them as acceptable ends of marriage, and the stars live the same lifestyle (quite a contrast to the happily-ever-after we're used to), and so society has deemed them perfectly fine. Love shouldn't be like that.
But of course, I won’t divorce this fictional woman I’ve married, because she’s my one true love. And we’ll live happily ever after … until next season.
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