Thor

It’s been about a year since Evan and I started mindlessly going to movies … sorry, going to see mindless movies. Completely oblivious to this momentous occasion, Evan and I went to the gun show ... er, Thor. Man, is he ripped. And yes, there was the obligatory shirtless scene where the women stare appreciatively and while the subject (object?) remains oblivious.

We got there a little late (but not too late, as Evan has vastly superior traffic skillz than I), but the movie started even later. We went to the Ultra AVX theatre (ultra pricey, too), There were four previews (all on our list), and I threw down a shutout, so we were a little worried (last time I did that, Jonah Hex showed up).

The movie itself starts off with three people in a van: Natalie Portman as a physicist (more believable in that role than Denise Richards, at least), her senior professor (who's also the professor in Good Will Hunting who initially tries to help Will Hunting, and then gets into an argument with Robin Williams after he got an award that Williams was passed over for), and a political science assistant. She was the only applicant. She's also there plot-wise because she doesn't understand science, so whenever they have to explain anything to the audience, they can explain it to her. Like a wormhole, described as an Einstein-boson bridge (Mind you, if you put Einstein in front of anything, it makes it more sciency. If they had called the A-bomb the "Einstein-Oppenheimer Device," everyone would've been all "Ooh, science!" instead of "Maybe we shouldn't play with devastating power.")

Anyway, they're in this van, trying to observe predictable atmospheric phenomena (the northern lights), but it doesn't materialize. Oh wait, it does, it's just late, and much more massive than they expect. It's basically a stationary tornado filled with lightning, and raising a hell of a dust storm. At Portman's insistence, the van goes racing into the dust storm, only to hit a man. As they get out to check on him, and the tornado dies, Portman asks "Where did he come from?"

So we flash back to where he came from. Anthony Hopkins narrates himself as Odin, many years previously, battling against the frost giants. Eventually, he and his armies push them back to their home of Jötunheimr, and confiscate their power - a block of ice they call the casket. It looks like the head of Thor's hammer (Mjölnir), only made of blue ice. It's about that size, too. Pretty small, but it packs a wallop.

Anyhow, it turns out that Odin's telling this story to his sons, Thor and Loki. A number of years pass, and soon Thor has his ascension day. I guess Odin's going to retire from being king or something. Unfortunately, the day gets spoiled when frost giants break into Asgard's weapons vault and try to steal the casket. They get killed by the guardian (A giant, metal robot that reminds me of Klaatu's guardian. Also, it can shoot fire beams from its face).

Thor demands they exterminate the frost giants once and for all. Odin tells him to shut it - they have peace now, and that's worth a lot. Thor gets his friends together and they decide to invade Jötunheimr anyhow, just the six of them. Ostensibly they go just to get answers, but the frost giant king insults Thor, and it's on. So they battle a dozen frost giants, but more come, and then even more, and suddenly a giant beast appears that's similar to a cave troll from the first Lord of the Rings, only much larger. So Thor finally has enough and cracks the ground, swallowing up most of the frost giant army while his friends flee and he flies away. Which of course, leads to a "You mean to tell me ..." moment.

The story of how "You mean to tell me" came to be was related to me by Evan a few weeks ago. He and his friend were watching an old Jackie Chan movie that also had a kid that could do martial arts. The kid went to school where a bunch of bullies were beating up on a fat kid. Day after day, this went on. Eventually, the kung fu kid snaps, and beats the tar out of the bullies. Now, the fat kid is supposed to be emoting "that was awesome!" but instead, Evan and his friend both thought the kid was thinking "You mean to tell me that this WHOLE TIME, you've known Kung Fu, and you didn't use it? I got CLOBBERED, dude! Not cool!" So now, whenever someone holds back on their power until fairly late in the battle, it's a "You mean to tell me" moment. I used to call this "Oh, there's my gun!" Because often in movies, when a a good guy and a bad guy fight hand to hand, the good guy wins. But then the bad guy pulls out a gun (or a knife), as if forgetting where he had stored it upon his person. Of course, he doesn't get to use it. The good guy beats him to a pulp, proving you shouldn't bring a gun to a fistfight, but still. You had a gun the whole time, Dumbass, why didn't you use it? The director is trying to get us to think the bad guy is thinking "I'll see if I can beat him man-to-man. If I can't, then I'll fight dirty." But instead, the audience is thinking "You mean to tell me that this WHOLE TIME, you've had a gun, but were too stupid to use it?" Thus, a "you mean to tell me" moment. You can see examples of this at the beginning of Unleashed (where Jet Li beats a group of men to unconsciousness before one of them remembers they have a gun in the desk drawer) and near the end of Bad Boys (where the bad guy runs away, gets shot, gets arrested, and then pulls out the gun from his ankle holster). In this movie, Thor's friends are surely thinking "You mean to tell me, that this WHOLE TIME, you could've beaten the whole army, and you didn't? Dude, not cool!"

Back to the movie ... Odin is displeased at the rashness, arrogance and foolishness of Thor. He strips his son of his power, confiscates Mjölnir, and tosses him through the wormhole to Earth. Unbeknownst to Thor, his father also tosses his hammer in after him, stating that only the person who is worthy of being Thor will be able to lift it.

So that's where the movie meets back up with its start. They take Thor to the hospital after getting tazed ("How dare you attack the mighty ... zzz"). They definitely play the fish-out-of-water thing for laughs. Hey look, it's a Viking in New Mexico! Eventually Thor escapes and meets back up with Portman, who takes him to the crash site of Mjölnir. The government (Actually, S.H.I.E.L.D. from other Marvel movies) have taken it over, but Thor manages to fight past all the guards and get his hammer. Only he can't lift it. Distraught, he sees his father's rune on the side, basically judging him unworthy. He's taken into custody of SHIELD where he's questioned. Loki (his brother, and also a master of magic) shows up and tells him Odin's dead, and his mother wants him to stay banished. Most of which is untrue, but with Thor out of the way, Loki can be king. And it's good to be king.

Thor's broken out of holding by a wild take from the senior professor. SHIELD knows it's a lie, but wants to see what they're up to. So they get on with following him around surreptitiously.

Anywho, after an evening of drinking with the senior professor, and a night discussing wormholes and Bifröst (the rainbow bridge) with Portman on the roof of their motel, suddenly: Character development! Thor is instantaneously selfless, nice, smiling, and helping to serve breakfast the next morning. His friends show up, having defied Loki's orders and come to Earth. Loki finds out, though, and sends the guardian to kill his now mortal brother. Robot of Doom wreaks havoc on the town where they're staying. The other Asgardians distract it while Thor, Portman, and the others help evacuate the town. Thor then goes to face down the robot, and knowing Loki is listening, apologizes and says he's willing to sacrifice his life to save the others. Loki says "Sure thing" and the robot swats Thor. He tells Portman at least she's safe now, and then dies. Oh whoops, spoiler alert. Luckily, Mjölnir, having discerned its master is finally a good boy, flies out of the rock it's been stuck in, and returns to its owner, resurrecting him and returning to him the power that had been stripped. He and his friends return to Asgard to show Loki what's what.

Anyway, there's a climax. In some previous reviews, I've referred to the climax as mostly emotional (Source Code, From Paris with Love) instead of action. This climax is mostly special effects. There's not a whole lot of action, but boy does everything look good.

This movie starts off badly. The 3D is kind jarring at the beginning, like a jigsaw puzzle that's been forced together. The action is confusing and not very clear, and the music and sound effect border on painfully loud. There wasn't a lot of subtlety at first. However, when Thor and his friends first go to Jötunheimr, they do so by way of Bifröst, which is just awesome. Best. Transportation. Ever.

Then the banishment comes, and the Earth scenes are quite good. There's not a lot of action (the big set pieces on Earth are the Robot fight and Thor breaking into Mjölnir’s crash site. It was not hammer time, evidently), but the dialogue is hilarious, and all the actors can pull off their part. Thor is arrogant but getting his just desserts. Portman is flustered but nice. The senior professor and assistant pull of their roles almost as well. Renee Russo shows up as Frigga (Odin's wife) and does alright. Anthony Hopkins is surprisingly disappointing as Odin. Maybe it was his lines, or trying to be all Shakespearean (Kenneth Brannagh directs), but it just doesn't work well. Thor's band of merry men (and a woman) are competent. Loki's pretty good, although his plan is pretty convoluted and underwhelming. Pay no attention to the plot, audience. Here's some special effects to distract you.

I didn't like the music too much, but I doubt that'll be a problem for most people. It was more triumphant that I was expecting. Lots of major chords where I prefer minor chords to bring out the tension and drama. Major chords just make it seem like everything is going well, and victory is easily attainable.

But I really liked Natalie Portman. Man, can she act. She does flustered well, and they gave her a lot of terrific lines. I guess she has great comedic timing. Plus, she tests the theory you don't have to show cleavage to be sexy. And pulls it off. And as a side note, she has a degree from Harvard. I'd be smitten if I wasn't so intimidated. Anywho ...

I also liked the Mythology, but mainly because it's very familiar. A lot of the lore from World of Warcraft is based on the Norse pantheon. The creators of Azeroth left behind watchers that match up closely with those of Asgard, plus some of the names of places are similar. They even have their very own Frost Giants you can beat up for epic loot. At one point, Loken (based on Loki) was the deadliest boss in one of the expansions. Many players died at his feet (myself included many times).

To sum up: Norse Gods + Natalie Portman + Good Dialogue + Slow Start + Not Much Action + Great Special Effects + Mediocre Music = Blu-Ray Movie. Mind you, it also added up to $66 million at the box office over the weekend, so that's an equation the studio can live with.