Missed Mindless Movie - Centurion

Centurion is one of those movies that would’ve seen wide release if it had starred more famous actors (not better, just more famous). Unfortunately, you only get an arthouse release if all you’ve ever been in was an under-the-radar HBO show (The Wire, starring Dominic West).

It’s also the movie that Robin Hood could’ve been if it hadn’t sold out for a PG rating to increase profits. Centurion is bloody, full of swears, and the epitome of guy movies set in ancient times (swords and amputations galore). I don’t really mind spoiling it because it’s not about the story (or even the acting). It’s about how long you can last without wincing. I only lasted a few minutes, but that’s because I thought the credits were a little cheesy. I mean, do we really need to know the hairdresser in giant, floating letters? The effect was great – giant floating letters in epic mountain passes – but they were a little … detailed.

The story takes place about 2000 years ago. The Centurion is at a Roman base in Britain that quickly gets overrun by Picts. He gets captured while everyone else gets killed. The Roman governor of Britain wants to wipe out the Picts to gain the political capital to return to Rome (since being the British governor has about as much meaning as the Alaskan one … oh, wait). So he sends the ninth legion in to kill them all, since the ninth legion is the most bad-ass legion in the entire Roman army. Or they act like it (in their defence, they are pretty awesome).

The Centurion escapes and meets up with the ninth legion and The General appoints him second in command to teach him about the Picts (since The Centurion can speak Pict). They march north, with the aid of a female tracker who leads them into an ambush (she’s a Pict who had unspeakable things done to her by the Romans, so she’s got a bit of a grudge). They all get slaughtered and The General gets taken captive. 7 survivors (including The Centurion) head to the camp to free the general. Since everyone looks kinda the same and they all have names like Marcus Aurelios and Romanus Longus Namus, I kept them separate by calling them The Centurion, The Old Guy, the Big Guy, The Marathon Guy (he can run really far), The Selfish Guy, The Food Guy (he’s a cook), and The Other Guy.

They sneak into the Pict camp and try to free The General, but can’t break the chains. He tells them to flee, so they do, but not before The Selfish Guy hides in a tent. The tent houses the son of the Pict leader, whom The Selfish Guy kills to keep quiet. The Pict leader discovers this in the morning, and orders their death. The Tracker kills The General, then sets out with a party to track down The Survivors.

The Survivors head north to throw the Picts off their trail, then head west and eventually south. The Picts chase them. The Survivors run. The Picts chase them some more. Many scenes of running and chasing ensue. The Selfish Guy and the Marathon Guy get separated from the group, and set off on their own. The Food Guy and The Other Guy get killed (ouch).

The Centurion, The Big Guy, and The Old Guy manage to find a hut in the middle of a bunch of dead animals. The owner is a nice woman who feels no allegiance to anyone since the Picts cast her out for being witch (she’s not, she’s just misunderstood) and so begins a wedged in romance (can’t have a movie without that!) between her and The Centurion.

Meanwhile, the Selfish Guy abandons The Marathon Guy so he can escape from wolves.

After the other three get healed and rested (and hid) in the hut, they travel to a small Roman fort, only to find it abandoned. They decide to make their stand, and manage to finally finish off the hunting party, including The Tracker. The Old Guy gets killed, though.

Afterwards, they meet up with The Selfish Guy and ride towards Roman lines. The Centurion kills The Selfish Guy after he reveals his selfish side. The Big Guy is killed completely unnecessarily.

After giving his report to The Governor, The Centurion is ordered killed (The Governor can’t let it be known the most bad-ass legion in his command got wiped out by a bunch of guerrillas). He manages to escape, and goes to live with The Witch.

There are a few problems with this movie, but not many. I can’t verify its accuracy, because I wasn’t around when Rome was getting its conquering on (like Donkey Kong). It had a lot of cool fights, but I’m used to seeing them from other historical epics (or historical flops, whichever). And I’m slowly becoming convinced that just because they look cool, does not mean they actually took place. Not that it matters. I’ll take a Ninja King Arthur if it makes a good action scene.

So I think this is a theatre movie. Good action, decent music, a lot that holds together, not that much time wasted on things like character development or thematic issues. Good times all around. Well, unless you’re The Tracker, The Selfish Guy, The Big Guy, the Food Guy, The Marathon Guy, The Old Guy, or The Other Guy. But I’m the Mindless Movie Guy, so I liked it.