30 Seconds or Less

So, due to a purchase of an air filtration unit (I'm sick of my place smelling like weed) and Evan absolutely crushing a burrito for supper, we got to the movie theatre a bit earlier than we planned, for a movie that was very unpopulated. We could have strolled in five minutes before the show and got good seats, but schedules are like that. Anyway, we saw the same pre-show show that we've seen before, but that's because we see a lot of movies. Kudos to Cineplex for changing them up every month or so. For people who only go to movies once a month, or a few times every year, they probably see something different every time. But the ads get monotonous for people that go every week, particularly if they also air on TV (damn Scotiabank SCENE ads. And the credit card is five times more efficient at piling up points than the debit card. Anyone who just gets the debit is really missing out).

Anyway, I pitched a shutout at the preview game. The Sitter: Jonah Hill trying to take care of kids. Tower Heist: Ben Stiller, Eddie Murphy, Matthew Broderick and some others trying to rob a ponzi-scheming Alan Alda. Bucky Larson Born to be a Star: An unbelievably atrocious movie about the naive son of two porn stars who goes to Hollywood to make movies of his own, and winner of my "I wouldn't touch that movie with a ten foot pole, and no, pole is not a euphemism, so quit giggling!" award (on a side note, they say that Hollywood is running out of ideas. But if the choice is between Bucky Larson and a remake of Blade Runner? Frankly, I’m choosing a wall. Against which I can bang my head. How the hell did a movie like this get greenlit?) And finally, Moneyball: Based on a true story of how Billy Beane introduced sabermetrics into baseball. If push came to shove, I'd go to see Moneyball in theatres, and maybe (maybe) Tower Heist.

Anyway, the movie itself opens with a car (possibly the alleged car) racing through streets, breaking rules, running red lights, speeding, and basically being a menace to society while a clock on the dashboard counts down thirty minutes. It hits zero before the delivery driver gets to his destination. Bummer.

Anyway, Nick (Jesse Eisenberg) gives the now free pizza over, and congratulates the two teens who ordered it for outsmarting the system (they order from that particular pizza place because it's impossible to get to their house in less than 30 minutes). Nick tells them they remind him so much of himself (scare tactics?), and promises to buy them beer if they'll give him the pizza money to pay for it. Hey, if the customers cheat the system, cheat the customers, right?

Next thing you know, Nick's drinking beer on his front steps and inviting his best friend Chet (Aziz Ansari) in to play CoD. The next day, he talks to his sort-of-maybe girlfriend (Chet's sister) where she tells him she'll be moving to Atlanta to take the Four Seasons management course. He's bummed, but tries to be happy for her. Back at his place with Chet, it comes out that they've each screwed each other over. Nick slept with Chet's sister a number of years ago, and told Chet all about it by using a different girl's name. And Chet slept with Nick's ex a week after she dumped him, as well as contributing to Nick's parent's divorce by spreading the (true) story about how his mother slept with a lifeguard. In Chet's defence, he admits he thought it was pretty cool Nick's mom slept with the lifeguard.

Meanwhile, Dwayne (Danny McBride) and Travis (Nick Swardson) are wasting their lives under the disgusted eye of Dwayne's father, The Major. The Major was in the marines, then won the lottery when he got out. Dwayne's worried there won't be any money left for him the way his father runs through it, so a stripper suggests to him that he hire a hitman to off his father. The hitman will cost $100,000, so all he needs to do is come up with that money, and he can get his hands on the million or so his dad has left to open a tanning salon. Which will be a front for a brothel (wait, why do brothels keep showing up in movies I watch?)

The two decide to rob a bank to get the money to pay the hitman. But they don't want to rob the bank themselves - they need a patsy. So they call the pizza place and get a delivery. When Nick shows up, they chloroform him, then put a bomb vest on him. It's basically a vest made of explosives (Travis is a bit of an explosives savant). If he tries to take it off - Boom. If he goes for help - Boom. If Dwayne or Travis get in a bad mood - Boom. He wakes up and is understandably freaked out, terrified, and panicked. He agrees to rob the bank in exchange for a code that'll open the vest, and off he goes.

The rest of the movie is about how he (and Chet) deal with the situation, and everything that goes wrong. It's not a great movie. It takes a bit too long to get started. To pick nits, Chet and Nick's conversations are more stand up comics trading jokes from their routines instead of actual conversations. And Aziz Ansari's hyper-chipmunk on crack delivery starts annoying and gets worse from there. But Evan has a huge man-crush on him, so I'll cut him some slack.

Jesse Eisenberg is pretty good. I doubt Michael Cera could do life-threatening panic as well (Cera can do terrified of boobs, but not terrified of bombs). Nick seemed to get more capable as the movie went on, though. Kind of a bit odd for a slacker.

Danny McBride was himself. He's got his shtick - douchebag white-trash cussing machine - and kept to it. Nick Swardson was similar, although not quite as douchy. He actually seemed like a good guy, only caught up in Dwayne's schemes.

The music wasn't anything special, but it's not a big priority in a movie like this. It was appropriately action-y when it was supposed to be, and there was a good joke about Matchbox 20 in there (whatever happened to those guys, and why aren't they the official band of hipsters everywhere?)

All in all, it's probably at the low end of my Blu-ray scale. Maybe a high DVD. It's definitely not a theatre movie. Takes too long to get going, not enough action for an action movie, almost enough humour for a humour movie. If you're a fan of Danny McBride (they exist?) or Aziz Ansari (Evan assures me they exist) then you should at least rent it.