Big Trouble in Little China

This week, Evan and I reached into the vault (No, not that vault. Not that one either. To be honest, according to Evan, it was more of a going-out-of-business Blockbuster than a vault) and saw Big Trouble in Little China.

I'd heard about this movie for years, but assumed it was some sort of 1950's movie starring John Wayne and set in turn-of-the-20th century China, back when every country and their little brother was getting in on the action and basically raping China on a federal level (seriously. The way we treated the Chinese - and other foreign people, for that matter - was disgusting. And it didn't stop in China, either. If you think slavery ended with the abolishment, read some history on Chinese immigrants. Even today, there are thousands of women and girls being sold into prostitution. You can watch a play about it called She Has a Name, or read about it here), but that's little too serious a subject to be discussing in a blog with Mindless in the Title.

Anyway, I think it was Roger Ebert who clued me into the actual setting of the movie. Last week, Evan and I didn't watch any movies, but we did watch the NFL opener and looked at possible movies for this week. I didn't watch much of the game, because Evan had an iPad and I was having too much fun trying to get trains into their proper stations. Anyway, while perusing movie lists I came across Big Trouble in Little China and remembered Roger Ebert's words on the subject, and so I unilaterally chose it for this week's movie.

The plot is as follows: Kurt Russell (Aw, yeah!) is a truck driver named Jack Burton. He delivers a shipment to Chinatown in San Fransisco and then spends the night gambling with the people there, inclduing his friend, Wang Chi (this was probably before 'wang' attained widespread use as slang for penis, but I wouldn't bet on it). Anyway, Jack wins a double or nothing bet against Wang, but he can't pay up until he picks up his fiancee Miao Yin (played by Suzee Pai) at the airport.

So they go to they go to the airport (Jack gives Wang a lift because he doesn't trust his friend to pay up). While they're there, Jack tries to hit on Gracie Law (Kim Cattrall, and if you think she looked good in Sex and the City, you should definitely see this movie), a lawyer based out of Chinatown.

Miao is kidnapped right in front of them, so Jack and Wang take off in their truck in pirsuit, but lose them. Wang tries to lead them to their hideout/club, but they stumble into a gang war in the middle of an alley. It's ended when the good guys seem to be winning, but the sudden appearance of some supernatural guys (named Lightning, Thunder, and Rain) in giant lampshade hats. The Lampshade Squad makes quick work of the good guys, and Jack and Wang are forced to abandon Jack's truck and flee to Wang's uncle. Gracie comes in to tell them that Miao's been taken to White Tiger, a woman who runs a whorehouse. Jack goes undercover to rescue her, but she's taken by Lightning, who can apparently shoot electricity and then use it like a grappling hook. Evan pointed out the similarity to Raiden, complete with giant hat.

Back at the base (Wang's uncle's restaurant), they figure out that Maio's most likely at the secret fortress of Lo Pan, a reclusive stocktrader by day, ancient cursed minion who needs to marry a green-eyed woman to become flesh and then sacrifice her to be immortal by night, who worships a demon who allows him to become incorporeal if need be, or else he's an incredibly old man stuck in a wheelchair.

Jack and Wang break into Lo Pan's stock exchange (or whatever it is), and sneak into the underground lair, but soon get captured. Gracie, Margo (her reporter friend) and Eddie (the Maitre'd at the restaurent) try to come in as well, but they get captured too. Jack and Wang manage to break out and rescue their friends, as well as a number of other girls being held there. But Gracie's taken (again) and they still haven't found Miao.

Lo Pan notices Gracie's eyes are also green, so he decides to marry both, sacrifice one, and sex up the other. Talk about having your cake and eating it too (which never made much sense. What's the point in having cake if you're not going to eat it? They need to come up with a better saying).

Jack and Wang hook up with Egg Shen, a sorcerer/bus driver on the side of good, and they go after Lo Pan once and for all (and rescue the girls, of course). So they sneak through the sewers of Chinatown, which also happen to be part of the underworld (I never knew San Fran was that mythological) and into the wedding room, which looks like a giant diabolical nightclub / archeological dig. A giant fight breaks out (of course it does), and people die, but not the main ones. Lo Pan marries both women, becoming flesh, and escapes back upstairs, being pursued by Jack, Wang, Egg, and Egg's compatriots.

Jack manages to kill Lo Pan. Thunder, upon seeing his master dead, inflates until he expodes (he needed a place to vent). Rain was killed by Wang in the massive brawl, in a sequence I'm guessing was mostly filmed on trampolines. Fun times! Lightning gives chase, but is finally stopped when Egg drops a giant rock on his head. Endings ensue, some happy, some not.

I liked this movie a lot. It's all kinds of silly. Lots of stuff just came out of nowhere and had Evan and I laughing our butts off. Jack Burton's a motormouth, and only somewhat competent, so there are times when the character is just hilarious. Like Indiana Jones, only if he wasn't as good as he thought he was. Kim Cattrall can match him (mostly), although she does get relegated to rescuee for the last half of the movie. Margo's supposed to be an intrepid reporter, but is mostly naive, and Eddie has a huge crush on her. The characters are simply good. They fit, and they may not be well written, but the funny makes up for it.

This should be the bar against which all other B-movies are measured. Sure, some will be better. Most will be worse. But it's exactly what I want in a movie. Action, comedy, witty dialogue, actors who don't take themselves too seriously. So I'd recommend it to everyone. And since Blockbuster is going out of business, I own it now, so I can loan it to you.

Special mention goes to John Carpenter. He's the director. He did the music. He also appears in a hilariously 80's music video in the special features.