Immortals

In continuing with the theme for starting columns with music appropriate to the subject matter, the above video is The Immortals by Two Steps from Hell. It fits perfectly in with the movie. I don’t know why the studio didn’t licence it, except for the fact that very few people know the song is called The Immortals, making any tying in pretty useless. For the rest of us, it’s just “that epic song by Two Steps from Hell” fitting it neatly into about 70% of what 2SfH makes.

As stated above, this week Evan and I saw Immortals. For the trailers, I got one (the Avengers) while Evan got two (Tin Tin and Underworld: Awakenings). We also saw a trailer for Act of Valor, a movie that’s supposed to be based on Navy SEAL work and weapons and what-not. But I could spot several unrealistic things about the explosions, so I’m not sure how realistic it will actually turn out to be. I almost want to go to it to point out all the physical impossibilities. “That wouldn’t happen. That wouldn’t happen. That would happen, but not like that.” I like knocking realistic movies down a peg, because their claim to fame is realism, which is not why I got to movie. But maybe I shouldn’t be such a kill-joy.

The movie itself is financed and-or produced by Relativity (fairly common) and Virgin (Whaaaa? They’re in movies now?) which was unexpected. After the logos, we get a voice over explaining that immortals beings actually found out they could die when they got into a war. The victors called themselves Gods, and banished the losers to the bowels Mt Tartarus (Holy Place of Fish Stick Sauce) and called them Titans, to boot. In actual Greek Mythology, Mt Tartarus is said to be alive, making its bowels somewhat literal (you know, in a figurative sense). Also, we get a nice little text saying: “All men’s souls are immortal. Good men’s souls are immortal and divine.” No word yet on women’s souls.

Next, we get a cube. It’s apparently hollow, and we slowly pan in and around to get a look inside. There, we see the imprisoned Titans, held in such a way as to make them nearly immobile (chains around necks, mouths around a bar). We see a figure outside the cube, raising a bow, and firing a magical arrow at the top of the cube. An explosion, a giant release of energy, and the ending of a nightmare. The oracle who dreamed the preceding scene wakes up in a panic, but is calmed by her handmaidens (they’re also decoys to protect her identity).

Soon, though, their shrine is invaded by Hyperion’s forces. Their priest is dowsed in alcohol and set ablaze, but not one of the monks will betray the oracle, who’s escaped with her decoys. (Hmm, it's about time for another 2SfH video).

Next, we get to meet Theseus, who’s doing chores and getting life advice from an old guy. The old guy isn’t his father, just his trainer and friend. He’s trained Theseus to be an impressive warrior, and then tells him it’s not enough to protect the ones he loves (pretty much his mother and the old guy, at this point), but he must also protect the ones who cannot protect themselves. Theseus doesn’t really get it.

Anywho, the next morning, a warning bell rings. Hyperion’s army is nearby and ready to invade. The village needs to evacuate, and Theseus gets into a scuffle when his peasant status prevents his mother from leaving with the well protected other people. He ends up humiliating a soldier, who gets kicked out of the company. Valuing his pride and ego more than anything else, the soldier heads off to Hyperion’s army to switch sides.

Hyperion’s army invades, and Theseus’ mother isn’t able to get out. She’s about to be killed when Theseus shows up and tries to save her (he’s really good at fighting!) but he’s subdued and has to witness his mother’s death. He’s then sent to the salt mines to work.

There, he meets up with a few other slaves and the oracles, who’ve apparently been tracked down and captured. At night, they stage a jailbreak, with the three oracle decoys staying behind to cover the escape and to kill any guards who might come after them. They’re brave, but not billed on the movie poster, so you can guess what’s going to happen to them.

Anyway, the plot ensues. Hyperion is after the oracle because she knows where the Epirus bow is. He wants to use it to free the Titans from their cage to get revenge on the Gods for not coming to his aid when his wife and child were dying of sickness. As a secondary goal, he wants to stop every bloodline that isn’t his, either by killing pregnant mothers or by vicious castration of all men (the one scene of this depicted in the movie made everyone instinctively cover their groin). It’s actually a different goal than most villains have. He wants to impregnate a lot of ladies, so that every child on earth will be his. That way, his legacy will live as long as humanity does.

So Theseus and Hyperion must face off, and the Gods and the Titans must face off, and awesome battles must happen. And lo, it was so! The battles are actually very well done. The choreography is amazing, and Henry Cavil is really fast, which makes his fighting even more awesome. And when the Gods fight, everyone else tends to move in slow motion, making those scenes both spectacular and full of special effects (and exploding heads. Lots of those). Really, the only bad thing about the action was that there wasn’t more of it. The climax had a ton, and there were bits and pieces scattered here and there, but not nearly enough to satisfy me.

The music was alright, but it was used wrong. It would build up into this grand phrasing, with a lot of clashing chords, and end with a “Duh Duh … DUUUUHHH!” only instead of that happening as someone important was getting stabbed, it would be some guy checking out his sword, or scratching his pits. Or the external shot of a wall, that didn’t change from before the epic score to after it. The music coordinators didn’t really do a good job on this one.

Also, the dead mother. They’re like the new black. Immortals uses it. In Time uses it. Colombiana uses it (and father). It just seems like a common theme to get people to fight, or get revenge. So a note to people in action flicks. If you’re cast as the mother, watch out.

All in all, I think this is a Blu-Ray movie. While the action was awesome, it was a bit too lacking to be a theatre movie. And there weren’t enough other things to make up for that (TRON: Legacy had music and special effect). Still, it was a good flick, and probably worth your time. Plus, it’s always nice to see Stephen Dorff again. Ha! You didn’t even know he was in this movie, did you?