International Initials

I watch a lot of American movies. It’s not that there aren’t good Canadian movies out there (Last Night is a thought-provoking movie about the end of the world, Bon Cop Bad Cop is an action-comedy about multi-cultural crime-fighting, and Men With Brooms is a hilarious movie about curling), it’s just that a lot of movies are from the USA. And in Hollywood, they’ve learned how to blow stuff up real good.

The problem with having films made in the US but not necessarily set there (or set in some place generic) is that there may be some confusion about the initials. This thought was mainly brought on during The Other Guys, when Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg visit the SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission, in case you don’t know, or think it’s only for college sports). It mostly oversees the stock markets, and makes sure there are no shenanigans going on (*cough* sub-prime lending *cough*) although it’s not the only one. It got me to wondering what the Canadian equivalent would be.

It turns out in Canada, the SEC is actually the CSA – the Canadian Securities Administration (this can get confusing because the CSA also stands for the Canadian Space Agency and the Canadian Standards Association, which make the standards that engineers have to meet or exceed in Canada, so that’s the one I’m used to). Actually the CSA and SEC don’t have exactly the same duties – while mostly similar, the difference in country means that they will have slightly different purviews.

What about other sets of initials? The FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) is generally responsible for the investigation of crimes that happen in the US (well, federal crimes, at least) and some outside the border as well. If you want, you can watch TV shows like White Collar or the X-Files to see what they do. In Canada, most of that is probably taken on by the RCMP (the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, or Mounties). Exaggerated views can be seen in the character of Dudley Do-Right from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, and in the TV show Due South. Contrary to popular belief, the official motto isn’t “We always get our man” but “Maintain the right” (Don’t worry, it’s not about re-electing Republicans).

The CIA (featured in such recent mindless movies as Salt and Knight & Day) is responsible for intelligence gathering and possible subversive activities primarily beyond the border of the US (although I don’t think it’s illegal for them to work inside it). In Canada, those duties are looked after by the CSIS – The Canadian Security Intelligence Service (it’s also known as the Service Canadien du Renseignement de Sécurité – the SCRS, in French. By law, all Canadian government agencies are required to have both English and French names. It’s all Quebec’s fault. Hey Quebec, take your initials and shove them up your … Hey, ouch, I was kidding). Also, I think that some of the NSA (National Security Agency) duties are divided up between the RCMP and the CSIS.

The British equivalent would be the SIS (Secret Intelligence Service), known as MI-6 and the home of James Bond (as well as Sean Connery’s character in The Rock). Hey Brits – putting Secret in the name of an official agency kinda spoils the name, doesn’t it? It ain’t secret if you tell everyone about it.

But what about other areas, besides initials? In any movie about the American president, other countries may get a bit confused. The President is voted separately than the rest of congress. In Canada, the Prime Minister is the head of the party that has the most seats in the House of Commons of Canada (the Canadian equivalent to Congress. The senates have similar responsibilities, although Canadian senators are pretty much appointed by the Prime Minister, or possibly part of the hockey team in Ottawa) and there are more than two parties. But I probably shouldn’t get into that.

How about differences in legalities? Well, there are two famous bits of legalese that make it into many movies. The first are the Miranda rights, and you can read about how Hollywood gets them and other things wrong here. I haven’t looked them up in Canada, because I don’t really intend to get arrested - I mean, commit a crime. The second is “I plead the fifth.” In the US, the fifth amendment covers a few different things (including eminent domain. The government can’t up and take your property without paying you how much it’s worth), but it’s mainly used in movies against incriminating yourself. If you want a movie where it’s used interestingly, you can watch “The Client” or read the book. If you want a terrible movie about a different section of the fifth amendment (and butchering it to pieces) watch Double Jeopardy. Actually don’t, and save yourself two hours of your life that you’d never get back.

Anyhow, pleading the fifth in other countries doesn’t work. In Canada, if you try it, you’ll basically be telling the judge that the government needs to be in session at least once a year. They know that, but you may have proven yourself too stupid to commit the crime. If you don’t want to incriminate yourself in Canada, you’ll have to use Section 11c (in your own trial) and section 13 (at someone else’s trial). Of course, these sections refer to the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

As with other countries, these rights and freedoms allow us to go see the most mindless movies possible, whichever country they’re made in.