A few years ago, a friend and I watched the Lord of the Rings extended edition. All three of them. We noticed they had a lot in common with RPG’s (Role-paying games, in which a Game or Dungeon Master narrates a story and the other people play their characters through it. Dungeons and Dragons is popular. Other titles include Legend of Five Rings and Shadowrun. Popular computer RPG’s include the Final Fantasy series, and most games made by Bioware), so we started commenting on the movies as if we were playing through it as an RPG (something done to much greater hilarity here). Anyway, Clash of the Titans is like that, only much more so. If you’ve ever played an RPG, this review will probably be a lot funnier.
The first similarity happens around 20 or 25 minutes in, when Perseus sets off on his quest. Two complete strangers offer to come along. You know how often that happens in real life? NEVER. In an RPG? All the time. You can barely get outside your starting village without a complete stranger or two offering to come along to help you save the world. It’s as if they’ve got nothing better to do, and have been waiting around for months for the evil bad guy to kill your father so they can help you on your quest for revenge, or to get the magic macguffin that will save the world. Other characters join the party, as well. A jinn (Straight from Final Fantasy), who joins the party because there’s no other magic user and they desperately need a wizard (who doesn’t need food badly, incidentally).
Secondly, the weapons and armor. Perseus starts out in Level One clothing, but equips an upgrade (some plain armor) before his quest. About halfway through, he gets to upgrade his shield to the “Shield of Spikyness” (+5 damage when blocking). Also, he gets a magic sword (who is he, Link?) that’s a gift from the Gods. It’s also copied from Star Wars. When he grasps the hilt, a beam of light extends from it that turns into a sword. In light of this, I’m calling it the “Sword of Copyright Infringement” (+5 Agility, +10 damage against deities).
Zeus and some of the other gods get in on the act. He’s a boss-level God and gets an “Armor of Lense Flare” (+100 armor). He’s also a shapeshifter, so watch out for any stray eagles. Hades gets the coolest piece of equipment though, the “Cloak of Smoke” (+50 invisibility at night. On use: Releases a swarm of gargoyles. 12 hour cooldown). It’s a pretty cool cloak.
Some of the other characters get into it as well. The two strangers are equipped with an “unnatural axe” (+5 Strength, +10 damage to beasts), and a pretty normal spear (Level 1. Maybe he’ll get an upgrade in a sequel). An antagonist has the ability to summon giant scorpions (costs 5 hitpoints per scorpion). Perseus levels up about halfway through and takes the sword-fighting skill (he was a fisherman before). He also has the ability to tame beasts (specifically, pegasi). A female character has been cursed with agelessness (unable to level up unless the curse is removed).
The movie isn’t all silly RPG clichés. No, it also has silly subtitles that I made up. Not during the movie, but things the movie could have been called. Clash of the Titans: the RPG. Clash of the Titans: Now THIS is Greek Theology. Clash of the Titans: Let’s Tempt Fate! Clash of the Titans: AWW YEEAHHHH!
That last one I like, because I think it’s a theatre movie. Yeah, it can be a little silly at times, and it does take a little while to get going. But once it’s going, it goes pretty good. Not everything is predictable, specifically character deaths (“Wait, that character died? I did not see that coming!” was something Evan and I said during one particularly brutal sequence). So all in all, I wished I had seen it in the theatre.
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