Missed Mindless Movie - From Paris With Love

We joked that From Paris With Love was a romantic comedy starring Jonathan Rhys Meyers and John Travolta (an unconventional romantic comedy, I guess). And it certainly opened like one. Meyers had the French artist moustache going on, and the music was certainly romantically based.

But then it got going with stereotypically spy stuff. Meyers turns out to be more than a high-level diplomatic aide, and soon he’s ordered to bring John Travolta past customs. Travolta’s doing a bad American stereotype (loud, rude, swearing like a sailor) to cover up the fact he’s trying to smuggle his favourite gun past French security. Meyers slaps a diplomatic cover on the bag, and we’re off to the races.

Soon, Travolta’s proven to be awesomely spectacular with both guns and hand-to-hand combat (seriously? He’s 56!) and bullet-proof, besides. Lots of action ensues. Soon comes a betrayal I did not see coming, followed by a freeway chase that was fast but not terribly furious, and a climax that was mostly emotional.

There were certain problems with this movie. One important person appearing later in the film definitely holds the idiot ball. In this day and age, security is given priority over schedule. That’s just the way it is. Secondly, I would have preferred more action at the climax, but the way the plot was going, there wasn’t a whole lot the writers could do about that, so I'll give it a reluctant pass. Meyers gets shot in the arm, but it’s a standard movie injury. After a few hours, it’s out of the sling it’s supposed to be in, and all he does is hold it occasionally and grimace. Travolta appears to be the only one who can aim an automatic weapon. All the bad guys blast away indiscriminately, but hit the walls around him, while he can kill them with abandon (and he does). A lot of his lines that are supposed to be funny fall flat instead.

There are some funny bits. They spend the first half of the movie carting around what looks like a Ming vase full of cocaine (it’s evidence). So Travolta goes blasting everything while Meyers has to hug this vase during all the set pieces. There’s a great line about a Royale with Cheese that harkens back to Pulp Fiction.

All in all, it’s a new rental movie. There are too many problems to see it in theatres, but there’s too much action to wait for a while. So we watched it on Blu-Ray and that worked out pretty well.

Martial Arts

This week’s movie will be delayed, due to a lack of mindless movies. Actually, there are a couple of mindless movies released, but we’d prefer not to have our souls sucked out through our eyeballs, so we’ll be catching a DVD.

I like martial arts. I should clarify, actually. I like martial arts in movies. I’d probably like live demonstrations too, but I’ve never been privy to one. Generally, I like them more than other types of action films. Guns end fights quickly, so the only way to extend them is to have lots of people, bad aim, or heavy cover (or all three, depending on the movie). A martial arts scene can have two people, and take quite a bit of time, while never having it boring. The final fight in Fist of Legend, for instance, takes about 9 minutes.

This needs to be done with well-trained people, though. Two inexperienced people will simply be brawling (hit the other person until they stop moving). If I was into that, I’d watch more boxing or UFC, where it’s both more controlled and better.

If it’s well choreographed with good people, it can be epic. The advent of the internet means a lot of lesser known titles from Asia are more available here, and the improvement of special effect means that a lot of recent movies have awesome fight scenes.

Of course, that doesn’t stop movie makers from skimping on money or actors. Faking a martial arts scene is usually done by using quick edits, close-ups, and a shaky cam. I don’t know if that works for you, but it usually just leaves me confused about what’s happening.

One problem a lot of these movies run into is how to keep guns out. You can’t rob a store with only martial arts – someone is bound to have a gun. If they don’t, police will have them and will put you down.

One solution is to set it in the past, where guns haven’t been invented, or are unreliable. The other is to set it in a place where all people fight with no guns. Say, a tournament for instance. This seems to be a favourite of movie writers everywhere – have an underground tournament where the best fighters in the world (or merely whoever happens to be around) fight it out to see who’s number one, or simply for other people to gamble on. Why these people participate in or gamble on these fights is pretty ridiculous. There are perfectly legitimate ways (Mixed Martial Arts tours) of doing that for far more money than underground tournaments run by mobsters, criminals, or sorcerers from another realm.

Movies that have underground or little-known tournaments and fights include Bloodsport, Lionheart, The Quest (all staring Jean-Claude Van Damme), Mortal Kombat, Ong Bak, DOA: Dead or Alive, etc … It’s even lampooned in Balls of Fury, about an underground ping pong tournament. Fearless managed to do this legitimately, as did the Karate Kid and its remake.

Karate is probably the most well known, mainly for its above mentioned movie. Kung Fu is next, popularized by The Matrix and the recent availability of Asian movies. Judo or Jujutsu can be seen in the movies Flash Point and Killzone, and Capoeira can be seen by an opponent of Tony Jaa in The Protector. Aikido is practiced by Steven Seagal, and found in most of his movies.

If you want martial arts movies, there are a ton of them. Recent ones are on this list. Good martial artists include Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Tony Jaa, Donnie Yen, Sammo Hung, and many others. See any movies choreographed by Cory Yuen or Woo-Ping Yuen as well. They’re masters at that.

Another thing I’ve gotten into recently is Parkour. It’s to running around as Martial Arts is to Brawling. I like it because a lot of martial artists are good at it, and vice-versa. You’ve probably seen it at the beginning of Casino Royal, but here’s a taste from District B13.

And just for fun, here's another martial arts scene:

And and here's one from a stunt team called Zero Gravity:

Heist Movies

Heist movies can be pretty popular, which is a little alarming considering most people’s views on robbery. They usually come in one of two varieties. One of them has the protagonists as the thieves, trying to steal something from a very bad person or corporation. The other type has the thieves as the bad guys, with the protagonists trying to stop them. It usually depends on if the protagonist is a law enforcement officer of some sort, or a good-natured person who can’t catch a break, and thus most resort to breaking the law (but not the bad laws, and only steals insured items, so those evil insurance companies have to pay).

My problem with most heist movies is that the people don’t think big enough. Takers is a movie coming out soon. It has a team of six people trying for one last big score - $30 million. Now, that’s nothing to sneeze at, working out to roughly $5 million per person. It’s probably enough to live comfortably for the rest of one’s life. But really, any expensive purchase will eat into that. A mansion anywhere popular (New York, LA, Miami) will wipe it out completely.

This is really a problem in TV shows, but I guess it’s because people can’t be stealing $50 million every week. That would get old, and pretty unrealistic. In reality, there aren’t too many places where that much money is collected in one place. I’m betting even most jewellery is worth less than $10 million, so stealing a diamond may not be worth it (the other problem with stealing rocks is that people will be on the lookout for it. Once stolen, the thief either has to cut it, diminishing its value significantly, or hang onto it until the authorities have reduced their interest).

In the pilot of White Collar, there wasn’t a theft, but multiple forgeries worth $150 million. But from there, it’s gone to less expensive crimes, usually between $100,000 and $10 million. In Burn Notice, they mostly deal with even smaller stuff, but that’s because it might be cars or small-time thefts.

I like movies where they think big. Die Hard has a tradition of this. The first one had the villains stealing $680 million (worth about $1.2 billion today). The second one was about releasing a drug kingpin, so less about money than the others. The third one had Jeremy Irons stealing $140 billion worth of gold ($140 billion in 1995 works out to about $195 billion today. If he’d been smart – and not gotten himself killed – he would have kept it in gold, where it’d be worth $345 billion today). In the fourth film, the villains (as far as I can tell) planned to steal the entire wealth of everyone in the US. I have no idea how much that amounts to, but I’m guessing many billions of dollars.

On the other side of the coin, we have the Oceans movies, where the protagonists are trying to steal money. The first one (the remake) had them stealing about $160 million, with a 12 person team, working out to around $13 million and change each. The second one I’ll a pass because it was more about the competition and not the money. The third one had them trying to bankrupt a new casino by having everyone win on opening night (so they didn’t make out with much from that) but also stealing $250 million in diamond necklaces – but I’ve already explained the problem with that.

Sometimes a lot of money isn’t stolen for a reason. In Payback, Mel Gibson is trying to steal $70,000. It’s more about the principle than the actual money. He was stiffed, and nobody stiffs him. He has to correct many people who think he wants more. In Bottle Rocket, one of the brothers doesn’t really want to rob anything, and the other is too small-minded to think of anything larger.

Movies about cons (con games, not convicts) generally have lesser amounts of money, for reasons not adequately explained except in Matchstick Men (where con men are just like you and I, scratching out a living, except that they do it illegally, and some of us actually enjoy our jobs)

And in Heat, they only steal $12 million. Why that’s so small for such a lauded movie I’ll never understand. Maybe I should just be thankful that criminals don’t big ideas.

The Expendables...Evan's Take

If I told you Jason Statham was in a movie, would you expect something thought provoking?

If I told you Jet Li was in a movie, would you expect something with a rich and multi-layered plot?

If I told you Dolf Lundgren was in a movie, would you expect to see an instrospective biopic?

If I told you "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Randy "The Natural" Couture were in a movie together, would you expect to see a family comedy?

If I told you that Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis were all in the same movie, would you expect the acting to be top notch?

The answer to all these questions is "no". However, all of these actors appear in "The Expendables" and I am pretty sure that I could convince you that it is a recipe for an unapologetically mindless, cliche filled, action packed thrill ride!

This is in fact what we get. In terms of action movies, it is a throwback to the action movies of the 80s and 90s that made Stallone a star. Movies like Rambo, Cobra, Demolition Man and Judge Dredd defined the genre for Stallone fans. He seems to be in the twilight of his career and has taken to filming somewhat cheesy remakes with "Rocky Balboa" and "Rambo"in recent years...but if he can keep getting his botox and steroid riddled body to crank out movies like "The Expendables" then I guess I am willing to pay and see them.

"The Expendables" has a laundry list of things that could make it a terrible movie. It takes a long time to get things going (I leaned over and whispered "This is boring" at one point...it was that bad). They spend the first 30 minutes trying to set up the plot and establishing who the main characters are. Maybe it was a function of having all of these big name stars in one movie but I found this to be pretty repetitive as they jumped from actor to actor and each of them got their few minutes to outline why their character was "cool". Most of these scenes ended with a shot of Stallone's face emoting "That's Statham for you" or "That's Li for you". Most of the dialogue is pretty ridiculous and pretty much useless. Maybe this is to counterbalance the cliche ridiculousness of the dialogue when bullets start to fly...or maybe Stallone should stick to the acting and directing and leave the writing to someone else (after I wrote this I thought I should have written it "acting" but I don't want to harp on Stallone...He is what he is...I don't think he is going to re-invent himself at the age of 64). The other really glaring thing for me was some of the CG. There is one scene where they blow up a building and it looks like someone is standing in front of it with a cardboard cutout of flames...well it's not that bad but I have a hard time believing that in 2010, CG artists can't make things look exactly like they do in real life. All I can think of is that they got lazy at work and tried to finish stuff up before a long weekend.

So how much action is there in this movie? Let's put it this way...it's rated 18A and there is very little dialogue (i.e. little opportunity for swearing) and no nudity. So what makes this such an adult oriented film?...the blood and guts of course! In a day and age when we are so desensitized to violence, if you can make an entire theater squirm in their seats because of the gore they are seeing on screen then you know that you have nailed it (I think Benjy was giggling uncontrollably during most of these scenes...I have decided that he is simply an outlier of the general population...I think he would agree with that...I might have smirked a few times myself). I would like to see the budget for exploding fake blood packets and pyrotechnics...

So if you go into this movie expecting anything more that a mindless movie jammed with explosions and violence then you will be disappointed. However, if those are your humble expectations, then this movie definitely delivers. I give it 7 aging action stars out of 10...Coincidentally...Van Damme, Snipes and Seagal all turned down roles in this movie...could they have pushed it to 10 out of 10? Sadly we will never know.

The Expendables

I went to see The Expendables with Evan on Tuesday evening. It was the movie I had in mind since we decided to see a mindless movie every week this summer. It’s the movie I’ve been giddy for ever since I heard it was coming out. As one of the tag-lines says “Most movies have one hero … this one has them all.” So we get Stallone, Statham, Li, Couture, Crews, Austin, Roberts, Rourke, and cameos by Willis and Schwarzenegger.

It’s exactly my type of movie. It helped me to clarify what my type of movie is, actually. It’s a bad movie. The dialogue is awful, it takes a while to get going, there’s no character development, some editing could use some work … but the action is over-the-top awesome.

Some things should be clear. Sylvester Stallone should never run again in a movie. It’s just … unnatural. He should never write dialogue again, either. It’s like he was going for banter, and just missed the mark. Some of it was alright, but most of it was bad. The acting isn’t great. Mickey Rourke hits the one and only real acting moment of the movie, so it’s a good thing they gave it to him (“Oh Mickey, you’re so fine …”)

The action, though … man, it takes a while to get going, but once it does, it just speeds up, and speeds up, and speeds up, until I was just delighted. It might be a sad condemnation of my soul, but the violence, guns, martial arts, and explosions just tickled me pink. The last half hour of the movie, I was laughing at the preposterousness of the action. Just when you think it can’t possibly go any higher, they crank it up to 11, and then top that. It’s non-stop mayhem, and it’s ridiculously fun.

It’s a theatre movie for me. No manner of bad acting, dialogue, cliché storm, or anything else could possibly make me want to see this on anything less than the largest screen possible. It’s ridiculous. It’s ludicrous. It borders on silly at times. It’s a helluva lot of fun!

As a bonus, there’s a scene with Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sylvester Stallone. It’s got a great line near the end, but other than that, it’s not very funny or necessary. Except for the meta-humour. That’s fantastic.

I’m sorry this review’s so short, but there’s not a lot to say about it. It’s exactly why I go to see movies.

The Other Guys...Evan's Take

So I have realized that I have not had a chance to blog about "The Other Guys"...Probably because I am still laughing from last Tuesday night. It really is that good! It is this summer's great comedy that people will be quoting for years. But I don't really want to sit here and try to come up with something witty to say about it (Plus Will Ferrell is a comedic genius and I cannot compete)...so instead I have decided to put up a few youtube videos from the movie which are great...

Here is the trailer...think of this multiplied by two hours:




Here are a couple of great scenes from the movie...I guess I am spoiling some stuff by posting them here but they are already on youtube so I don't feel that bad...

A tuna will always beat a lion...makes sense to me:



Collaring the bad guys...especially those really bad guys who are "Sirs"...Those knights...so uppity:



Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson made this movie...There is one scene in particular when I was laughing uncontrollably because of them...this is not that scene:




Those are all the clips I could find on youtube...but go check this movie out...right now...

I give it five hilarious NYPD accountants out of five...that sounds perfect!

International Initials

I watch a lot of American movies. It’s not that there aren’t good Canadian movies out there (Last Night is a thought-provoking movie about the end of the world, Bon Cop Bad Cop is an action-comedy about multi-cultural crime-fighting, and Men With Brooms is a hilarious movie about curling), it’s just that a lot of movies are from the USA. And in Hollywood, they’ve learned how to blow stuff up real good.

The problem with having films made in the US but not necessarily set there (or set in some place generic) is that there may be some confusion about the initials. This thought was mainly brought on during The Other Guys, when Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg visit the SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission, in case you don’t know, or think it’s only for college sports). It mostly oversees the stock markets, and makes sure there are no shenanigans going on (*cough* sub-prime lending *cough*) although it’s not the only one. It got me to wondering what the Canadian equivalent would be.

It turns out in Canada, the SEC is actually the CSA – the Canadian Securities Administration (this can get confusing because the CSA also stands for the Canadian Space Agency and the Canadian Standards Association, which make the standards that engineers have to meet or exceed in Canada, so that’s the one I’m used to). Actually the CSA and SEC don’t have exactly the same duties – while mostly similar, the difference in country means that they will have slightly different purviews.

What about other sets of initials? The FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) is generally responsible for the investigation of crimes that happen in the US (well, federal crimes, at least) and some outside the border as well. If you want, you can watch TV shows like White Collar or the X-Files to see what they do. In Canada, most of that is probably taken on by the RCMP (the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, or Mounties). Exaggerated views can be seen in the character of Dudley Do-Right from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, and in the TV show Due South. Contrary to popular belief, the official motto isn’t “We always get our man” but “Maintain the right” (Don’t worry, it’s not about re-electing Republicans).

The CIA (featured in such recent mindless movies as Salt and Knight & Day) is responsible for intelligence gathering and possible subversive activities primarily beyond the border of the US (although I don’t think it’s illegal for them to work inside it). In Canada, those duties are looked after by the CSIS – The Canadian Security Intelligence Service (it’s also known as the Service Canadien du Renseignement de Sécurité – the SCRS, in French. By law, all Canadian government agencies are required to have both English and French names. It’s all Quebec’s fault. Hey Quebec, take your initials and shove them up your … Hey, ouch, I was kidding). Also, I think that some of the NSA (National Security Agency) duties are divided up between the RCMP and the CSIS.

The British equivalent would be the SIS (Secret Intelligence Service), known as MI-6 and the home of James Bond (as well as Sean Connery’s character in The Rock). Hey Brits – putting Secret in the name of an official agency kinda spoils the name, doesn’t it? It ain’t secret if you tell everyone about it.

But what about other areas, besides initials? In any movie about the American president, other countries may get a bit confused. The President is voted separately than the rest of congress. In Canada, the Prime Minister is the head of the party that has the most seats in the House of Commons of Canada (the Canadian equivalent to Congress. The senates have similar responsibilities, although Canadian senators are pretty much appointed by the Prime Minister, or possibly part of the hockey team in Ottawa) and there are more than two parties. But I probably shouldn’t get into that.

How about differences in legalities? Well, there are two famous bits of legalese that make it into many movies. The first are the Miranda rights, and you can read about how Hollywood gets them and other things wrong here. I haven’t looked them up in Canada, because I don’t really intend to get arrested - I mean, commit a crime. The second is “I plead the fifth.” In the US, the fifth amendment covers a few different things (including eminent domain. The government can’t up and take your property without paying you how much it’s worth), but it’s mainly used in movies against incriminating yourself. If you want a movie where it’s used interestingly, you can watch “The Client” or read the book. If you want a terrible movie about a different section of the fifth amendment (and butchering it to pieces) watch Double Jeopardy. Actually don’t, and save yourself two hours of your life that you’d never get back.

Anyhow, pleading the fifth in other countries doesn’t work. In Canada, if you try it, you’ll basically be telling the judge that the government needs to be in session at least once a year. They know that, but you may have proven yourself too stupid to commit the crime. If you don’t want to incriminate yourself in Canada, you’ll have to use Section 11c (in your own trial) and section 13 (at someone else’s trial). Of course, these sections refer to the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

As with other countries, these rights and freedoms allow us to go see the most mindless movies possible, whichever country they’re made in.

The Other Guys

The Other Guys, AKA Michael Scott NYPD, is a pretty hilarious movie. It's basically Will Ferrell being Will Ferrell, with Mark Wahlberg along for the ride. Of course, this time Will Ferrell is an anal retentive accountant for the NYPD ("The safest job in the world. An accountant for law and order"). So his physical comedy doesn't show up until later, but his mouth runneth over in a very pedantic manner. He turns around an analogy Wahlberg was trying to make about how much he hated him ("If I was a lion, and you were a tuna, I'd swim out into the middle of the ocean just to eat you ... and then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend!" "Firstly, I'm assuming this takes place of the southwest coast of Africa ...") that's hysterical and probably off the cuff.

It's explained later why's he's so in control and pedantic (e.g. he listens to Big River Band to get pumped up). It doesn't really explain why Wahlberg's so angry, though it does give a reason for why he can dance so well and play the harp.

The movie starts with a ridiculous car chase starring Samuel L Jackson and Dwayne Johnson, but they're soon put out of commission following a great slow-motion shot and preceding the world's quietest fist-fight.

It then follows Ferrell and Wahlberg as they follow a scaffolding violation into multi-billion dollar white-collar crimes. Their boss is a TLC-quoting Michael Keaton, who moonlights as the evening manager of a Bed, Bath & Beyond. Their coworkers make a school visit and advise the kids to avoid jail by trying very hard not to be black or Hispanic. Ferrell's wife is the smoking-hot Eva Mendes, with whom he passes sexual messages via her grandmother (eww). The movie can get weird like that. It finishes with a lot of charts and graphs during the credits which neatly explain the current market melt-down, and finally a hilarious outtake.

It's basically what would happen if Michael Scott worked on the NYPD. And brought Dwight along. There are really only two problems that I could find with it. The first is that it's mislabelled. It was billed as an action-comedy, but it's more of a comedy with a bit of action in it. There's not enough action to satisfy my cravings. Secondly, some of the humor is not to my taste. That's not to say it won't be funny for millions of other people, but I'm just not into the awkward humor. There's a lot of it in the movie, but it's packed with so much other stuff as well that I was kept laughing most of the time. Not as much as Evan, though. This might be his favourite movie of the year. The ride home was filled with as many lines as we could remember.

For me, it was a new-release rental, not a theatre movie. The lack of action and abundance of awkward humor just didn't do it for me. Of course, there are many people I'd tell to go see it in theatres. If you're a fan of Will Ferrel, go see it. If you like The Office or probably even 30 Rock, go see it (there's a small cameo of Tracy Morgan during a hilarious sequence where Ferrell and Wahlberg realize they've been bribed only after they're at the Knicks game ... and the Jersey Boys concert).

My favourite quotes include:

"Wow, the SEC! You''ve got the best accountants! Except for Enron ... and Bear Sterns ... Goldman-Sachs, AIG, Arthur Anderson ..."

(After walking out of Wahlberg's ex-girlfriend's ballet studio) "You can dance really well!" "Those are the moves you do, you know, to make fun of the queers when you were eight." "You learned to dance sarcastically?"

(After being blown backwards by an explosion, lying on the pavement, shouting) "I need an MRI, there's no way I don't have soft tissue damage. How do they just walk away normally from explosions in movies? There's no way the Millenium Falcon could have flown normally away from the exploding Death Star!" "Star Wars was factually accurate!"

Many, many others whose exact wording I can't remember but made us laugh like ... well, the audience of a Will Ferrell movie.

Missed Mindless Movie - Clash of the Titans...Evan's Take

Since there was nothing that really interested us this week in theatres ("Dinner for Schmucks" might have been alright but "Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore" was a definite NO!)...Benjy and I decided to go ahead and rent the most mindless movie that we could possibly find that neither of us had seen. Enter "Clash fo the Titans". A supremely mindless movie about humans wanting to overthrow the God's in ancient Greece. Naturally Zeus and the other Gods do not take very kindly to this and Hades is brought in to re-establish the fear and reverence of the Gods by releasing the Kraken (a supremely vicious looking CG creation from the depths of hell). Little does Zeus know that his brother Hades has this big elaborate plot to overthrow Zeus by gaining strength from people's fears while weakening Zeus' power as people stop loving him (Zeus and the other Gods survive on the love of people). Oh...and then there is Perseus, Zeus' forgotten son who was conceived when Zeus was trying to get back at a king who was defying him. Zeus' disguised himself as the King and went and slept with the queen...needless to say the King wasn't so happy with this so he sent his wife and child to the bottom of the ocean. The queen died but Perseus lived and was adopted by a fisherman and his family. Is this plot confusing enough for you yet? I know nothing about Greek mythology but this movie made me feel like they were taking quite a bit of creative license with some of the stories. Anyways...all you need to know is that Perseus is a demigod and is kinda essential to the human side in their fight against the Gods...And he is motivated by a certain "event" but I wont give that part away...Got it? Good.

This was a fun movie. I think that pretty much sums it up right there. The DVD was especially good because it was viewed in HD on a large TV. There were also a bunch DVD extras that we don't normally get to see in theatres, like an alternate ending and deleted scenes, and it really made you appreciate how much polish goes into making the final cut of a movie. Some of the scenes shot on a cardboard set, which would then be fixed up later with computers, were a stark contrast to what you saw in the final cut...kinda funny actually...or if they didn't even shoot the scene and they just have the storyboard picture...hilarious. From what I have heard, I am glad that I didn't see it in 3D as it seems it was fairly obvious that it was added in post production and really didn't add much to the movie (probably more distracting...similar to my overuse of parentheses). Apparently for the next installment they are planning on 3D from the get go...so maybe that will make it better? I certainly hope so...In which case I may decide to see it in theatres.

As for a rating...lets go with 5 snakes short of a complete medusa head...yup...that sounds about right!

Missed Mindless Movie - Clash of the Titans

A few years ago, a friend and I watched the Lord of the Rings extended edition. All three of them. We noticed they had a lot in common with RPG’s (Role-paying games, in which a Game or Dungeon Master narrates a story and the other people play their characters through it. Dungeons and Dragons is popular. Other titles include Legend of Five Rings and Shadowrun. Popular computer RPG’s include the Final Fantasy series, and most games made by Bioware), so we started commenting on the movies as if we were playing through it as an RPG (something done to much greater hilarity here). Anyway, Clash of the Titans is like that, only much more so. If you’ve ever played an RPG, this review will probably be a lot funnier.

The first similarity happens around 20 or 25 minutes in, when Perseus sets off on his quest. Two complete strangers offer to come along. You know how often that happens in real life? NEVER. In an RPG? All the time. You can barely get outside your starting village without a complete stranger or two offering to come along to help you save the world. It’s as if they’ve got nothing better to do, and have been waiting around for months for the evil bad guy to kill your father so they can help you on your quest for revenge, or to get the magic macguffin that will save the world. Other characters join the party, as well. A jinn (Straight from Final Fantasy), who joins the party because there’s no other magic user and they desperately need a wizard (who doesn’t need food badly, incidentally).

Secondly, the weapons and armor. Perseus starts out in Level One clothing, but equips an upgrade (some plain armor) before his quest. About halfway through, he gets to upgrade his shield to the “Shield of Spikyness” (+5 damage when blocking). Also, he gets a magic sword (who is he, Link?) that’s a gift from the Gods. It’s also copied from Star Wars. When he grasps the hilt, a beam of light extends from it that turns into a sword. In light of this, I’m calling it the “Sword of Copyright Infringement” (+5 Agility, +10 damage against deities).

Zeus and some of the other gods get in on the act. He’s a boss-level God and gets an “Armor of Lense Flare” (+100 armor). He’s also a shapeshifter, so watch out for any stray eagles. Hades gets the coolest piece of equipment though, the “Cloak of Smoke” (+50 invisibility at night. On use: Releases a swarm of gargoyles. 12 hour cooldown). It’s a pretty cool cloak.

Some of the other characters get into it as well. The two strangers are equipped with an “unnatural axe” (+5 Strength, +10 damage to beasts), and a pretty normal spear (Level 1. Maybe he’ll get an upgrade in a sequel). An antagonist has the ability to summon giant scorpions (costs 5 hitpoints per scorpion). Perseus levels up about halfway through and takes the sword-fighting skill (he was a fisherman before). He also has the ability to tame beasts (specifically, pegasi). A female character has been cursed with agelessness (unable to level up unless the curse is removed).

The movie isn’t all silly RPG clichés. No, it also has silly subtitles that I made up. Not during the movie, but things the movie could have been called. Clash of the Titans: the RPG. Clash of the Titans: Now THIS is Greek Theology. Clash of the Titans: Let’s Tempt Fate! Clash of the Titans: AWW YEEAHHHH!

That last one I like, because I think it’s a theatre movie. Yeah, it can be a little silly at times, and it does take a little while to get going. But once it’s going, it goes pretty good. Not everything is predictable, specifically character deaths (“Wait, that character died? I did not see that coming!” was something Evan and I said during one particularly brutal sequence). So all in all, I wished I had seen it in the theatre.

Casshern

This week’s movie post is delayed for circumstances beyond our control. Rest assured, we will be watching a mindless movie (on the schedule is the missed mindless movie Clash of the Titans, which may be mindless enough to make up for Inception and then some).

So instead, I wanted to bring to your attention a little under the radar movie called Casshern. It’s Japanese, with a budget of about 6 million dollars. It made 14 million at the box office, so it’s a bit of a success. Of course, most movies made for 6 million would seem to be very poor (Monty Python and the Holy Grail being the exception, having been made for around $275,000, partially financed by members of Pink Floyd). In Japan, 6 million can buy a lot more, so the movie is a lot better than its western counterparts.

It was marketed as an action flick, so a number of people who went to see it are probably very disappointed. There aren’t a lot of action scenes in it (to be fair, the ones in it are pretty good). Mostly, it’s a movie made to discuss Love, Hate, War, Peace, Forgiveness … basically, the deep parts of being human (and being sub-human, and being super-human). To be honest, it get into a bit of fauxlosophy. Mainly because if issues were resolved, it wasn’t really obvious how. I dunno. People just asked the deep questions, and suddenly understood answers. Very Deus Ex Machina.

Anyhow, the reason I wanted to bring it to your attention was for three reasons. The first is the action. Here’s a youtube clip of the hero decimating an army of robots with nothing more than his bare hands and the power of awesome. Keep an eye out for the part where he cuts a robot in half with his hand! Exquisitely shot

The second reason is the scenery. Some of the movie takes place at war, and the movie is suitably dark and washed-out. Some other parts are beautifully vibrant. Despite the lack of action (something I normally decry), I wasn’t bored. I was so interested in what the director would show next. Whoever the set designer was deserves several awards, even if I have to make them up myself (“The award for best use of scenery instead of action in a movie goes to …”).

Lastly, I want to direct your attention to the soundtrack. It’s masterful. It’s amazing. It’s enrapturing. It’s so good I will run out of adjectives before I can properly describe it. Here are a few youtube clips of my favourite songs. The last one is particularly good for something to listen to in bed before falling asleep.

Sadly, the movie is Japanese, and not widely distributed outside of there. It’s available online, but probably not at Bestbuy or Futureshop. You may have to look carefully, but I assure you it’s worth it, at least once.