If Life was an RPG

No movie this week. Nothing opened, and scheduling prevented us from seeing something on Blu-ray. We still need to see Sucker Punch, but I’m not sure when, as Horrible Bosses and Ironclad open this week, and then we’re off and running on the second half of summer. Anyway, this column will deal more with Video and Tabletop Games, because I’m diverse that way (geeky eight ways from Sunday, Baby!) It’s also in honour of Steam’s Summer Camp Sale, which offers so many games so cheaply I may not come out of my room until Christmas. On with the show …

If life was an RPG (Role Playing Game), I'd have a sizeable bonus to Lore: Pop Culture. It still wouldn't make up for the -10 penalty I have to dating, though. Maybe I need to upgrade my armour (this joke was the original basis of the column, which I've decided to expand).

I can just imagine buying an expensive amulet (worn in the neck slot), all glitzy and called something like "Necklace of Whore-y attraction" with an on equip effect of "Attracts skanks, and gold-diggers." Maybe I should save my gold. As it is, my specialization into the artisan crafts (Origami) is totally wasted on the ladies.

If life was an RPG, what armour would I wear? My helmet would be a Saskatchewan Roughriders Toque. 1 Armour, +10 Cold Resistance, on equip: Causes threat among fans of other teams. My main armour (Chest slot) would be a Roughrider Jacket (+15 Cold Resistance, on equip: Causes threat among fans of other teams), and my offspec armour would be a Winter Coat (+25 Cold Resistance, -10 Heat resistance. It gets a little warm, you see).

If life was an RPG, my main profession would be Engineering. I haven't levelled it up much, but considering you have to grind four years of math problems to even be an apprentice, I think I'm ahead of the pack. Plus, I even got a ring out of it ("Iron Ring" +1 armour, on equip: 5% increase in income from engineering).

It mainly helps my rep for Faction: Workplace. My coworkers are all questgivers, although some of the quests are more time intensive than usual. Enter 738 numbers, correct 135 mistakes. Sometimes it's just a simple Troubleshoot Software Problem, which I can do in 5 minutes. Definitely better than finding 20 bear asses. They only reward a bit of experience and a tiny sliver of rep (no gold), but it's something. Plus, I've got my rep far enough that I can get a Nice Pen. Too bad when I rolled my character, I neglected Skill: Handwriting. But you should see the size of my Lore: Useless Trivia.

If life is an RPG, I've invested in the Musical talent tree. First tier bass, second tier piano ... and quite a few points in drumming. I've gotten all the way up to "Foreign/Ethnic drums," but had to sacrifice singing to go that deep. I'm not sure if it's worth it.

My offspec's in mathematics, but the only talent I have is Math as a Hobby, which isn't as exciting as the guide made it out to be. Maybe I should re-roll.

If an RPG was like life, being rick-rolled would be like a mage dropping a portal to Theramore when everyone's asking for Dalaran ... suckers.

If life was an RPG, my hearthstone would be set at home, although the casting time is around 45 minutes and uses a bus ticket as a reagent. But Driving is a channelled spell and can result in a critical failure.

If life was an RPG, I could summon food, but only in specific locations (stores) and it would cost me money every time. I haven't levelled up cooking, so the only thing I can make without a large chance of critical failure is Pesto. It tastes good, but causes the debuff "Bad Breath" which can only be removed by Brushing Teeth (30 second cast time) or eating a mint.

If life was an RPG, I'd have the Advantage - Parents who love me: Increases happiness, and causes other minor benefits (left up to the discretion of the GM). It's balanced out by the Disadvantage - Shy: -5 penalty when talking to NPC's belonging to a faction not at Friendly or higher.

If life was an RPG, I'd have used my soccer skill enough that I get a small bonus to it, called Soccer Instinct. I'm a bit too lazy to use it properly, though.

If life was an RPG, I wouldn't engage in PvP. The rewards are usually 60 days in jail, or maybe some time in the hospital. Critical fails will land the player in a graveyard, and spirit healers aren't available. Mass Resurrection depends on the GM, and might take a while.

If life was an RPG, my base attributes of Strength and Stamina would be pretty low. At the risk of sounding immodest, at least my intelligence or intellect is high. I put an extra point in charisma, but all that's done is allowed me to tell jokes. If I level up, I'll try putting more points into that, and maybe I'll be able to take Profession: Politics. I wouldn't know whether to specialize in Lying or Scandal if I levelled it up, though.

If life was an RPG, a number of my friends' character models would be taller than mine. I don't think that's fair, but there's not a whole lot I can do besides asking a GM about it. Maybe I'll buy the non-combat pet Rock to make up for it.

If life was an RPG, my pastor could cure me of anything, provided I paid the proper amount of gold. Or he rolled well. Maybe I should by him some loaded dice. As it is, the GM occasionally has me roll a Health Check: Intestinal Distress, and I get a surprisingly high amount of fails.

If life was an RPG, work right now would be grinding the daily quest Spec Review. It’s incredibly boring, but it must be done. Abandoning the quest would erase most of the rep from my work, and might even make me Hated with that faction.

If life was an RPG, I would have recently dungeon crawled The Mall. I defeated the Sportcheck boss, and got some shinpads and soccer socks as loot. It cost me dearly, though, so I'm not sure I want to go back. Not only for the price, but because the high amount of NPC's talking meaninglessly (their conversation trees aren't very deep at all) sometimes give my character Status Effect: Omnicidal Rage.

If life was an RPG, school would be full of quest-givers (Solve 20 math problems). Faction: Education is actually pretty beneficial, and they even give you some non-combat loot at the end (Graduation papers). The difficulty spike between zones (Elementary, Junior High, High School) can be quite a challenge for new players, though. I quested through the optional zone University, which held some of the hardest raids I've ever done. Seriously. At the end of every semester, we had instanced raids where every student had to perform their own tasks. You think World of Warcraft raids require preparation. For exams, there's no Public Test Realm. We'd never seen these bosses before. The only way we could prepare was to read strategies for similar bosses in previous years, and to review related quests. Plus, they strip you of most of the things in your inventory. Most of the time, we were only allowed a Pencil of Writing, and Eraser of Disappearance, and a Calculator of Mathematics (On Use: Performs math). The worst part was that a lot of reputation rode on these raids, and we were only allowed three hours. Pressure-packed (Although heroic Sinestra might is probably harder).

If Life was an RPG, my early levels mainly consisted of daily and weekly quests from my parents. Make Your Bed. Clean Your Room. They didn't give any rewards, but punishment for failure was Status Effect: Grounded (only allowed out of the house for school). At least Clean Your Room had the side effect of making things easier to find in my inventory.

If this column was like an RPG, it would have a better ending than a lame joke.