Can anyone see a bruise on my forehead? It's a little sore from all the facepalming (aka...brow smiting) I did Tuesday night between 7:40 and 9:40pm. That was when Benjy and I went to check out M. Night Shyamalan's latest effort, The Last Airbender. If this was an "effort" I would hate to see him mail one in. There is no way to sugar coat it...this was a giant pile of steaming 3D crap that should never be viewed for $15...or any other price for that matter. (I'm glad I finished my 1/4 bag of popcorn during the previews because it would have just tasted bitter otherwise...On a positive note, I actually pitched a shutout during the preview game which should have warned me that something was amiss).
Where to begin with this mess??? I wonder if Benjy kept track of the number of times that I leaned over and said "This is terrible!". I am pretty sure that it is a substantial number but let me outline some of these terrible points for you here:
Terrible point #1 - Dialogue
The dialogue in this movie was absolutely ridiculous. Sometimes the characters would announce to the audience what they were doing in a particular scene...even when we could see exactly what they were doing on screen! Hey Shyamalan...You are making a movie!!! The pictures move and I don't need characters to announce when they are leaving the scene or if they are going after someone...I can see them doing it. I'm surprised that you didn't try to have braille printed on the screen.
Terrible point #2 - Acting
It doesn't really help the cause of a movie with a terrible script when the actors look like they are performing the Saturday afternoon show of the local community theater group. I wonder if you have to pay an actor the same amount of money if you just use cardboard cutouts of them during filming? I have decided that the terrible acting is Shyamalan's fault as well. Somebody should tell him that you can do more than one take if the previous ones suck. Or maybe he has no idea what sucks...or even scarier is that he thinks that the takes were good!!!
Terrible point #3 - 3D
3D movies is the wave of the future. Avatar was a great movie in part because the 3D technology was planned from the outset and used the enhance the movie experience. The Last Airbender had 3D added in post production...not because it would enhance the movie experience but because the studio could charge an extra $5 to unsuspecting movie goers. Most of the 3D scenes look like those old movies that were filmed in front of green screens (Plenty of examples in this 1963 Herbie - The Love Bug clip) . Actually, they probably were filming in front of green screens...I just had no idea that it could still look that bad in 2010. The really frustrating part is that there are only a handful of scenes that have been converted to 3D. Thanks for making me wear those stupid glasses for 2 hours! I want my five dollars back...and for you to stop laughing at me M.Night...
Terrible Point #4 - Random Narration
The movie starts with a scrolling text similar to the start of Star Wars movies. Shyamalan decides that it is important to also have Katara's voice act as a narrator and read this text to the audience like we are a bunch of five year olds. I don't believe that he actually thinks his audience is a bunch of illiterates. He was probably thinking about the PG audience that may not have been able to read the text all that quickly. Or maybe he was thinking that using some fancy font helped to set the scene and establish a mythical world. It doesn't really matter... What was ridiculous is how this narration was used randomly throughout the movie. Instead of setting up each new scene with the narration and maintaining some type of continuity, Shyamalan instead decides to have this narration come in at seemingly random times in the movie. I found it distracting and incoherent. However, the narration did provide one of the highlights of the movie. In the scene where Sokka (Jackson Rathbone) meets Princess Yue (Seychelle Gabriel) from the northern water tribe, the narration explains that they "became very good friends" as they exchange glances with each other. After that line, the audience is supposed to believe that these two are inseparable and madly in love with each other. It is brilliant...Shyamalan put an entire love story into a 2 second blurb!
Terrible Point #5 - Name Pronounciation
I am not a fan of the Nickelodeon cartoon on which this movie was based. I have seen it a couple of times because I an old roommate of mine used to watch it and I happened to be in the room. In the TV show the main character's name is Aang, which is pronounced like "bang" without the "b". In the movie, they have decided to pronounce the name as "ong" like "long" without the "l". You might be saying to yourself..."Evan, this is very petty of you to criticize how names are pronounced. You are just trying to find stuff that is bad with the movie." But stay with me here. I am assuming that Shyamalan sat down and actually watched the TV show. If you are going to make a trilogy of movies, it is the least you can do. So I am confident that he heard how the names are supposed to be pronounced. I believe that this gives us a concrete example of how terrible a director he is. Of all the things he could have taken creative license on (he is after all both the writer and the director) he chooses to change the pronunciation of a name to some pretentious sounding version of the original. That was the best he could come up with! The guy caught lightning in a bottle with "The Sixth Sense" and has progressively been coming up with lamer ideas until his big twist is "Let's say his name differently!". On the other hand, if he didn't watch the TV show ahead of time then he just gave all the fans of the show a fully extended middle finger (in which case he is not a bad director...he is just an asshole).
Terrible Point #6 - Killing a franchise before it starts...
I think this is the most shameful part of what M. Night Shyamalan did to this movie. Paramount Pictures (like every other production company) wants to make movie franchises that are guaranteed to make money and they thought they would have a hit with a Last Airbender Trilogy. The story here is original, interesting and unique. The concept of "bending" and having characters that are able to manipulate fire, earth, wind and water open the door for some potentially epic action sequences (actually some of the action in this movie is really well done...it was perhaps the only bright spot in this abomination). There was already a significant fan base who would buy tickets and drive the hype machine. The best part was that all of the hard parts were taken care of in the TV show. And then they decided to hand things over to Shyamalan...who proceeded to screw everything up beyond belief and alienate so many people that it is unclear if Paramount will be able to justify making any more movies in this series. I still think this story has the potential to be a successful movie franchise...just not with Shyamalan at the helm.
I think we will see some good come out of "The Last Airbender". I am fairly certain that this will be the last movie that they print Shyamalan's name on the poster like he is God's gift to the silver screen. I for one would be repelled by future movies if I knew he were involved in making them. Apparently this has already begun... One can only dream that this may be the final nail in the coffin ensuring that Shyamalan is never allowed to make movies again...
PS - I'm not even going to bother with a random rating...it will always be zero...
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